I used to think the weird band names of the ’90s were only that weird because the simple names like The Doors, or The Cars, or The Police had all been taken.  But they weren’t.  ”The Black Keys” was still going unused.

It really makes Glen Phillips look like a pretentious ass.  Toad the Wet Sprocket?  I don’t know what that is, but it sounds disgusting.  And what the hell is a Stone Temple Pilot, Scott Weiland?  You guys go and make that nonsense up when “The Black Keys” was still available?

There’s a newer band called The Drums.  Over 60 years of pop music and something as simple as “The Drums” didn’t get used until recently?

Yeah, totally overlook all these band names that have something to do with music and just go with “Toad the Wet Sprocket.”  That name makes me think about music and not at all a slimy toad.  Gross.

Imagine how dumb the names are going to be in the future since we’ve already broken the barrier to go with words that don’t even have anything to do with one another.

“Samson and the Occurring Revolt”
“The Saddles on the Paperbacks”
“Last Day For Today” (When Emo comes back. They’re debut album “Stay Until You’re Gone”)
“Gushy the Stink Bug Operator”
“Store Bought Clouds of Visser”
“Sector 9 of the Bake Sale”
“Peace Comes with a Meat and 3″
“Eat More, Save Less”
“Turkin Flurkin Me Yurkin”
“The Chad Kroeger Trio”

Do you see how bad this can get??

C.E.B.

Guys.  They are sooooo good terrible at best.  What do you mean you haven’t heard of them??  Maybe it has something to do with their name.

C.E.B. stands for “countin’ endless bank.”

Guys!  Listen!  Don’t you see?  The reason you haven’t heard of them is because they are too busy countin’ all that bank coming in!  Guys!  It’s endless!  Can you imagine how long it would take to count something that was endless?  It’s endless how long that would take!

Never mind the point that you shouldn’t bother counting something that you know is endless.  The fact that this bank you’re pulling in is endless should give you enough security to not worry about how much it is.  But not these guys.  They’re responsible.  They don’t want to live outside of their means.  So they count their bank.  It’s kept them so busy they didn’t make another record.  Just the first one.  That’s how much bank they’re pulling in, guys.

Either that or they’re serving life sentences for a botched bank heist.

You know that voice over guy who reads the sponsors for Sportscenter?  You know how perfect his voice is for a program called Sportscenter?  The tone of his voice matches so well with highlight reals of amazing plays and brutal sacks.  Well that guy had to say today, “Go see What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”  He said those words.  In that voice.  And he had to sound happy about saying it.

I’m not saying they shouldn’t have been sponsors, though “Battlefield” seems like a much more suitable choice for the Sportscenter demographic.  I’m saying that’s not how a chick flick should be promoted to that audience.  Because they were trying to trick guys into seeing the movie.  The parts of the movie they showed were only the parts with the guys, namely Chris Rock.  And the only time they showed a woman was when Cameron Diaz was in a sports bra.

That movie is mainly going to showcase the women in it.  Trying to make guys think this movie is actually something dudes would like is the wrong way to get guys out to see it.
Instead they should have said,

“Hey.  Listen.  We know you don’t want to see this movie, but it’s the day after Mother’s Day and you’re already on the couch watching Sportscenter at noon.  And you know how much she hates that.  So do something nice for her this weekend and take her to see something she’d actually like to see.  You’re welcome.”

That’s the way you get their attention, Hollywood!  There are only a few fools you’ll trick into seeing that movie with your tactics and they’ll walk out angry.  Just be honest, give them some advice.  They’ll appreciate it and you’d probably get more people into the theater that way.

I should literally do this for a living.

There are songs that are well meaning, but if you read between the lines it’s not quite as sweet as it seems.  Like the song “Lovin’ You” by the very lovely Minnie Riperton.

“Loving you is easy ’cause you’re beautiful?”

The other side of that coin is that it’s hard to love somebody who is less attractive.  So ugly people should be really happy someone loves them on account of all the effort it takes to.  Beautiful song, well meaning, but between the lines is an ice cold diss.  But it is pretty easy to love Minnie Riperton considering she was so beautiful.

Another song with a similar twist is Stephen Stills’ “Love the One You’re With.”  That boppy melody with it’s “do do do’s” makes you think it’s about showing true love to people.  What it’s actually condoning is living a lie.

“If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.”

Did you get in a committed relationship with someone you don’t love despite being in love with somebody else?  Well, just transfer the energy for the one you actually love to the person you’re actually with.
Just phone it in.  Because when the truth is what they need faking it is a great substitute.

Then we get into the flat out creepy songs.  Like “Into the Night” by Benny Mardones.  What seems like a love song is really an argument for pedophilia.  Don’t think so?  Listen to the very first line of that song again,

“She’s just 16 years old.”

Yep.  Creepy.  The use of the word “just” indicates that even he knows she’s far too young for him.

While we’re on creepy songs, let’s talk about “Wait (The Whisper Song)” by the Ying Yang Twins.  The song is basically just two dudes bragging to a girl about the size of their manhood and saying they can’t wait until she sees.  The song is called “the whisper song” because they “rap” the whole song in a whisper.
Why are they whispering?  Unfortunately not out of the embarrassment they should feel for their lyrics.  Actually, they think the whisper adds to the mystic of the song when it just makes them like one of those perverts at the mall who say disgusting things to you.
These guys are jerks and should be ashamed of themselves.  I hate the Ying Yang Twins music.  Way to take us back several decades, guys.  You’re the exact opposite of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Ever heard Jagged Edge’s “Let’s Get Married?”  Those soulful, dulcet tones are perfect for any good R&B song.  The problem with this song isn’t that it’s creepy or sends the wrong message.  The problem is that the message is sent the wrong way.

“Meet me at the altar in your white dress/We ain’t gettin’ no younger we might as well do it/Been feeling you all along I must confess/Let’s get married, I just wanna get married.”

Oh yeah, he went there.  He reminded you how old you are.  Are you swooning yet, ladies?  Maybe if they repeat this chorus 6 times like they do at the end you’ll be into it.  This is the kind of sweet poetry you have to drum into a person’s ear until they cave in.  Hey, you might as well.

Some songs have tried to be romantic by tricking you into thinking you’re being insulted.  There’s the 80′s classic by The Deele called “Two Occasions,” and Michael Bolton’s “Said I Loved You…But I Lied.”

The Deele sing to their ladies:

“I only think of you on two occasions…that’s day and night.”

Bolton does the same:

“I said I loved you…but I lied/Cause this is more than love I feel inside.”

Both are front-handed compliments.  They say something that sounds like an insult, but if you read between the lines you see it’s a compliment.  It’s the opposite of a back-handed compliment.  They smack you across the face then say, “You look so beautiful today.”  It’s a mind game they play with you to express their love.  Making your heart sink so they can lift it back up.

See, they know you ladies like bad boys so they’re playing the role then revealing themselves to be sweethearts in the end.  Sadly, this works.  Both songs were major hits and ladies loved them.  What does that say about the sense of worth women in our society feel.
I hate you girl…for making me feel so good!

But the most romantic way to express love is to grab their attention at the beginning without the use of insults, phoniness, creepiness or general douche baggery.
Jim Croce best exhibited this with his hit song “Time in a Bottle.”  Here are some of his lyrics.

“If I could save time in a bottle/the first thing that I’d like to do…”

Weird start, not sure where he’s coming from yet…

“…is to save every day until eternity passes away just to spend them with you”

Oh, now that’s nice right there.  Put down the guitar, receive your warm embrace.  But he’s not done, he goes even further with it!

“But there never seems to be enough time/to do the things you want to do/once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know/that you’re the one I want to go/through time with”

Man!  That’s how it’s done.  This dude is basically saying, “I’d like to save up all the time in the world so I can spend it with you…but guess what?  That still won’t be enough.”

It would be just his luck that a girl would say he’s too needy and would go for a Ying Yang twin instead.

The alleged stalker was arrested outside of Baldwin’s apartment building this week after she tried to get in.

All of that is scary, but even scarier is the news report I saw about it this morning on the Today Show.  The reporter, standing in front of a NYC building, began her report with, “The alleged stalker was arrested right outside of his apartment building right here.”  Then she indicated the building.

So a tenant of a building had someone arrested for being outside of that building and then these reporters think it’s a good idea to stand outside of that building and tell everybody he’s in there?

Good job, NBC.  Make life even worse for your coworker.

He’s gonna call you.  And we all know he can leave a good voice mail when he’s angry.  I hope he does.  You’d probably report it.

It begs the question, what are you talking about, Ronnie Devoe?

Are you saying she should be cut out of your friend’s life because, as you go on to say, you know she’s a loser.  Let’s not go into WHY you know she’s a loser.  You dog, you!  But if that is what you mean, an “afro” is the best example you could come up with in your metaphor?  I suppose “bench-sitting football player” doesn’t have the same ring to it.

I at least hope this is what you mean by “cut” that “ho.”  Because otherwise there’s something nefarious about your words.  I worry that you might be saying she should be stabbed.  I’ll assume you aren’t going that far in your already misogynist song.  Besides, talk about a bad analogy.  I imagine an afro would be carefully sculpted.  Like a bonsai tree.  So if you’re saying she should be violently attacked it wouldn’t make sense to compare that horrific act to carefully maintaining a hairstyle using precision and focus.

I just don’t understand you, Ronnie Devoe!

Well it’s here.  It’s been here for awhile actually.  Only they’re not called zombies, they’re called “dumb people,” and they are EVERYWHERE!

You’ve seen dumb people out.  They aren’t entirely unlike zombies.  They stagger about, mouths agape, arms aimlessly flailing…just LIKE a zombie.

They ruin everything like zombies do, too.  Once dumb people show up to your favorite place to get away you can’t go there anymore.  You can’t have nice things because they’ll probably drool on them.

Unlike zombies who bite you to turn you into one of them, just spending too much time with a dummy will turn you into them.  You always find yourself doing dumb stuff when with them.  So you must avoid them as if they might bite you; which, in all honesty they might!  There’s no telling with dumb people.

I’m sorry to bring you such bad news, but the zombie era is upon us.  They’re all over!  They’re in our schools, our hospitals, they’re in government and most shockingly…behind the wheel of a car.

There is no cure.  You’ve heard the saying, “You can’t fix stupid.”  Throw a book at them.  Not only will they not duck they won’t read it!

The only thing you can take heart in is that, unlike with Zombies, your brains will be left alone.  Some brains are something dummies want nothing of.

That jerk face Ryan Gosling is 1000 times better looking than me, 1000 times more talented AND can sing?  I knew he had been on Mickey Mouse Club, but I didn’t grow up watching the show so I didn’t know he did any singing.

And no, I didn’t see Blue Valentine, so get off my case.

Must he be so talented and good looking?  I can take the looking better than me part.  For one, it’s not that important.  And to be quite honest I don’t need the attention being that appealing to women brings.  Just seems like a headache.
I just don’t like the fact that the dude is so good looking that even a broke version of him can woo Anne Hathaway into marrying him.  Seriously, Adam Shulman?

But the singing!  And the instrument playing!  Just do a quick You Tube search for Gosling singing and you’ll find something.  Even if it’s from when he was 12 and singing with Justin Timberlake you have to admit, dude’s got some skill.  SKILL I DON’T HAVE.

Damn, you Gosling.  Welcome to my fist list.  Which usually stands for a list of names that I yell while shaking my fist in the air, but in this case I mean I’m going to punch you in the face!

GOSLING!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEgGWHtVIhQ

These crazy people don’t even attribute the actions of the team’s collective fan base to the outcome.  No one else’s superstitions matter.  It all comes down to them.

They also don’t realize when a camera is in their face while they cry about whatever predicament they got themselves or their team into.  Or so it would seem considering any video on You Tube of a person crying uncontrollably about Justin Bieber, setting fire alarms, or in this case wearing a nail polish with sparkles before the big Packers/Giants game:

Packer Fans Cry When Sparkles Get Involved

It is okay to cry…but not about any of that.

Beer and people go so well together so often.  Also, nice job blowing that stop sign 22 seconds into the video because you were too busy recording your sister.

Geez, Megan – telling people to do the sparkles, blowing stop signs, and inevitably blowing a .17 on a breathalyzer one day!  You’re the worst, Megan!  The worst!!

Johnny Depp and that pretty lady I was never really aware of are living separate lives according to People Magazine.  Their evidence…they “have not appeared side-by-side on a red carpet for more than a year.”

Great Oden’s beard, the horror!

In Hollywood that’s what stands for a rocky marriage.  You know something that isn’t terrible?  Red carpet events and TV Specials.  I can’t imagine anyone not watching to watch each and every red carpet special so it can’t be possible that someone wouldn’t want to go to one.

If someone didn’t want to go to a red carpet event that would certainly be grounds to divorce them.  Seriously, what a mockery they make of companionship.  Where is the commitment to the sanctity of it all??

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.