That’s a lot of money.  That’s not screw around money.  That’s not piss off money.  That’s I-can-kill-everyone-and-start-over money.
I can’t even wrap my head around that amount.  Think of all the things you could do if you had a trillion dollars.

>I’d have a party with Bill Gates and Oprah, show them my bank account, then point and laugh at them.
>I’d make an Iron Man suit.
>I’d remake the Star Wars prequels and insure they are as great as they should’ve been.  I will definitely play a young Lando Calrissian in it, too.  I think I just thought of my next Halloween costume.  And I’ll drink Colt 45 the whole time.  Not on Halloween, I mean in my Star Wars.
>I’d get Tyler Perry to produce my wedding.  Can you imagine how huge of a weekend I’d have if it were a Tyler Perry wedding?  He could play all the parts.
>I would pay Michael J Fox to show up at my birthday party in the DeLorean from Back to the Future.  Then I’d leave with him in the DeLorean and make him say the “Flux Capacitor…fluxing” line.
>I’d buy love just to prove the Beatles wrong.
>I’d buy a shaved ice machine.  I know, modest.

First, they were showing practically nude girls in their programing while I tried to innocently watch mindless television while working out at the gym.

I gave it up, but a month or so ago went back to them because they changed their schedule.  They’d show Man Vs. Food for an hour, then Samantha Brown the next hour, and for a third hour Anthony Bourdain.

It was great.  No matter when I went to the gym during a 3 hour block I could see something I wanted to actually watch.

Well, NO MORE.  For some reason they changed their schedule.  They only have Samantha Brown and that’s not until 1, which is around the time I try to leave the gym.

Man.  Screw you, Travel Channel.  Not only can I not enjoy beautiful locales with the lovely Samantha Brown, I can’t live vicariously through her as she travels to beautiful locales.

Sad, sad life I lead…looking at TV while I get all toned and whatnot.

My thing with that is, did he not rehearse the song several times before the broadcast?  Did the meaning of the song really not resonate until the live show?

I find that hard to believe.  He had to have rehearsed that performance at least 3 times.  I can’t imagine they didn’t.  Maybe he just wanted to get the footwork down and when it came to the singing he said, “We’ll do it live.  I want to stay fresh.”

But not even during the sound check did he stop and say, “Wait a second, I’M the man in the mirror.  I need to make that change.  Shamon.”

It’s been a year since Michael Jackson’s death and we’ll still never truly know how he came up with “shamon.”  How is that even supposed to be spelled?

I digress.  I don’t buy the weeping at the end of Brown’s performance.  You can call me a hater all you want.  And you’d be right, I hate Chris Brown.  But mainly because I was just in a wedding this weekend and I heard “Forever” waaaaay too much.

I will give him credit for not performing “Beat It,” “Dangerous,” or “Speed Demon.”  Not that “Speed Demon” would have been inappropriate.  That song just sucks.

Everyone laughed at this dude, too.  Guess what?  AN EARTHQUAKE HIT CALIFORNIA EARLIER!!

Granted, he was 3 months off cause he was warning about one in September, but what if his prophecies are just a bit fuzzy.  Like Chuck with the intersect?

I’m just saying, let the casting for a movie version of this begin because we may not have much longer!!

If you’re not familiar with what a “bucket list” is it is a list of things you want to do before you die…or “kick the bucket.”

So here are a the new additions to my list:

1. Eat a Five Buck Box from Taco Bell
2. Eat one of those Double Down sandwiches from KFC
3. Live forever!

Granted, just eating these things will kill me so I better put these at the very bottom of my list.  Maybe that guy from Man Vs. Food should have an episode where we tries to eat all the most disgusting Fast Food chain entrees in one day.

I shudder at just the thought.

Ok, I get it.  You can stretch your webbing over several feet.  Impressive.  But seriously, why?  Do you like to see people walk face first into that crap and then freak out?  Is that spider humor?  Jerks.  You’re no Mark Twain!

If a spider web gets in my mouth I will throw up right on the spot.  It’s revolting to me.  I will throw up right there.  Not even so much because I couldn’t make it to a trash can, but just to make a point of what not to do to Jason.  Don’t let spider webs get in my mouth.  Don’t let me walk mouth first into some spider webs.

Spider-man is the last super hero I want saving me for this very reason.  I don’t even want to imagine all the webbing.  Ugh.

If Spider-man swung in and saved me I would say, “Put me down or I’m gonna be sick!”  ”Is it motion sickness?”  ”NO, it’s you!  And Spider-Man 3, it was awful.  BLAH!”

Just send Iron Man next time.  At least his movies haven’t starting sucking yet.

I’ve come to realize that when people in America get stuff for free they become huge douche bags.

Have you seen the comments for free songs offered on iTunes?  People go on and on about how awful the song might be…to them.  A lot of times I like the song, but that doesn’t keep people from saying, “Good job, iTunes picking another crap song.”

Excuse me, jerkface, but you do realize the song is FREE right?  Like iTunes owes it to you to please you when they’re GIVING YOU SOMETHING FOR FREE.

What entitled babies.

They act like they have to keep the song or something.  You can delete it if you hate it, ya know?  You don’t need to keep some song you hate on your iPod just because it was free.  Just delete it and move on.  Stop whining.

One of the most repeated arguments I heard about the health care passage was, “Government can’t run anything.  Now our doctors’ offices will be like the DMV.”  Which isn’t even true.  The government won’t be running your doctor’s office.  Glad these people get a voice, a vote, and the chance to drive on the highway.  Natural selection isn’t real, these morons are still around killing all the smart people with their cars.

My point is, we’re getting so spoiled that even if we get something that might just be okay for free we complain.  Hey guys, take a trip to some of the third world countries where they don’t have any of the luxuries that are so second-nature to us that we demand them.

Now if you don’t mind, I have to head out.  I have to take my McDonald’s meal back because this burger is disgusting!  How dare they serve this crap for a dollar?!?!

Yeah, you can weed out the creeps if you’re looking to see if someone was arrested, but what if you’re interviewing a creep who hasn’t been arrested yet?

A background check also doesn’t tell you how stupid someone is.

Check this story out: http://www.wyff4.com/video/23702154/index.html

So this guy was creepy enough to blatantly solicit sex at a library using Craigslist and dumb enough to actually try to go through with it.

A background check isn’t going to tell you that.  However, spending about 2 seconds with the guy should.  Seriously, managers at Babies-R-Us, you couldn’t pick up on how stupid and creepy this guy was just when he walked in the store?

Shouldn’t people who work at child-oriented stores like Babies-R-Us have a radar for pedophiles, creepers and perverts?  They should’ve just felt his presence as soon as he walked in the store, waaay before he asked for an application.

It really shouldn’t be that hard to peg a pedophile.  You can spot them a mile away.  And when you do, gather all the kids who are around and say, “Hey, kids, you see that guy over there with the mustache, Members Only jacket, and the 6-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade?  Stay away from him.  He doesn’t have ice cream or candy in his van.  How do I know he has a van?  Look at him.  He either has a van or a time machine and he’s from 1976.  Either way, what’s he doing here??”

Just trying to keep kids safe, that’s all.

How could they sully the good name of Hooters with such behavior?  Hooters used to stand for something.  It used to be a place jerks could go and eat over-priced food without having to worry about coming up with new ways to objectify their waitress to the point she’d run off to a bathroom stall to cry alone while trying to remind herself that the only reason she took this job in the first place was to pay for college…because her outfit was doing that for them.

There was no need for this girl’s manager to get in on the act.  Don’t make the outfit obsolete.

The manager apparently told this girl, who was only 132 pounds, to lose weight because it would improve her looks.  Why are they more concerned with her looks being improved than they are about the taste of the food being improved?  The taste of the food is not related to the hotness of the waitress bringing the food anyway.

This is how I imagine the manager’s logic processed:

“We’ve really got to make sure that every costumer gets the Hooters experience.  I’ll tell Cassandra she needs to lose weight.  Because if there’s anything people come to Hooters for it’s hot girls.  Not at all because they’re hungry and want to eat our food.  Speaking of which, it’s about time I drag the meat on the ground in the parking lot with my car.  Mmmm.”

Burn in hell, Hooters.  I guess I don’t need to tell you to do that considering the only food in hell is a Hooters buffet.

All the same, burn in hell.

“According to scientists at the University of Valencia in Spain that spending ‘Just five minutes with an attractive female raise the level of cortisol,…’ which is a stress hormone that has been linked to heart disease.”

That explains why whenever I see some of my female friends it feels like I had a Chili Cheese a Plenty at The Beacon!  If you know me personally you know that every female I know is quite attractive.  I’m not bragging because I have nothing to brag about.  It’s just how it worked out.  I know gorgeous women.

And it is evidently taking it’s toll on my heart.  Spending time with my wonderful and beautiful female friends would be like eating Double Downs for lunch everyday.  So I have a decision to make…I can’t spend time with them anymore.

Sorry ladies, but I have to guard my heart.

I’ll miss you and your lovely perfume, but you’re killing me.  I’ve seen so many of you this week…

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.