Category: Uncategorized

I don’t know that anyone can say card shopping ever used to be fun, but it does seem more annoying to me now than it did around, say, Mother’s Day.

I went card shopping today for Father’s Day and it was so annoying.  Mainly because I had to go to the bathroom.  (My bladder can be a bit of an a-hole sometimes).  I still found the process just aggravating.

The choices weren’t so great.  They were either too this or too that.  I’d pick up one card and think, “No, too dramatic.”  Pick up another card, “No, too sappy.”  Pick up another card, “Nah, I don’t love him that much.”
Ok, that’s just a joke but I will say that some of the cards I saw today sounded more suited for a gay lover to give his partner than for me to give my dad.

There were some cards that didn’t even say enough.  “Hey.  You’re my dad.  Happy Father’s Day!”
Who was that for, the “long lost father” market?

It made me want to put together some “Terrible Card Sentiments:”

• “That is One Ugly Baby.  Congrats???“
• “If I Were Going to Be in a Loveless Marriage I’d Want it to Be With You. “
• “I’m Sending You a Card Because I Hate Spending Time With You.”
• “Happy Patriot Day.  Turns out I’m Not Your Father.”
• “Get Well Soon, But if You Don’t…Can I Have Your Tivo?”
• “Sorry I Missed Your Wedding, But How Often Does Springsteen Tour?  Like, Once a Year?”
• “I Stole Your Identity.  You Had a Great Time in Spain.”

The new iPhone 3G S has people all in a tizzy. Some are simply because they get excited about new technology. Others are upset that they “have to pay full price” on the new phone. A few just like to say, “tizzy.” People are in a tizzy for shizzy either way.

I would fall under the first category. I, unlike many of my friends, do not have an iPhone. I don’t even have the Touch which is obvious to most people because usually I mistakenly call it the iTouch. I still love technology though, I think it’s nifty.  Apparently, I’m also from the 1950’s.

The iPhone 3G S is a pretty cool piece of technology. The camera on the new phone is as good as my current camera. The main reason I haven’t switched to an iPhone yet was because the camera on it wasn’t as good as my regular camera which is also my phone. So I figured I’d just wait. It looks like the wait is over, so I’m pretty excited about getting this phone one day.

Note that I said, “one day.” I can wait, and that seems to be the very problem with a lot of the complainers. They can’t wait until they are eligible for the discount.

If you’re not on a two year contract with AT&T then you can sign a new two year contract and buy the new iPhone 3G S at the discounted price of either $199 for the 16G model or $299 for the 32G model. I found this out because I called customer service and asked. Morgan, the lady I spoke to, said if I’m a new customer or if I’m an existing customer with an expired contract I can get the deal when I sign a two year contract.

Then I had questions for her. I asked if you can get the deal if you are one year into a two year contract. Morgan said, “It depends.” If you’ve been paying your bill on time and haven’t had your service suspended you will be eligible for an upgrade allowing you to get the new iPhone at the discounted rate other two year contract signers are getting. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait until you are 18 months into your contract in order to get the upgrade. So basically – wait 6 months.  I suppose if you already have an iPhone it’s really, really hard to wait 6 more months to get…an iPhone.

Oh man, I just love this drink I’m drinking.  I can’t wait to drink more of it.  I don’t think I can wait all the time it takes for my hand to reach over and pick it up and then put it up to my mouth and then tip the drink into my mouth and then swallow the drink and then it’s in my belly!  I just can’t wait!  Whatever will I do!?!

It’s like people are being the spoiled brat who couldn’t just wait until Christmas to get something.  Wait, what is in 6 months?  CHRISTMAS!  So they are literally being the kids who couldn’t wait until Christmas!

The complaint many AT&T customers are leaving on the AT&T website or on Twitter and Facebook and even in an actual petition is, “We’ve been longtime customers. This is a smack in our faces.”

Maybe the problem isn’t that they can’t wait. Maybe the problem is how they define “longtime.” The iPhone 3G, the iPhone most of the complainers have, came out a year ago. So they are a year into their two year contract. A year!? That’s a long time now? I guess in the “Instant Age” we live in a year is a long time. No wonder people in their late 20s think I’m “soooo old” at 30. But I’m youthful!

Just to get things straight, here are eligibility requirements to getting an iPhone 3G S at the discounted rate:

• Be a new customer and sign a 2 year contract
  Be an existing customer whose contract is up and sign a new 2 year contract
  Be an existing customer 11 to 18 months into an existing 2 year contract and in good standing
  Not be lame and wait 6 months to a year to get the discount since YOU ALREADY HAVE AN iPHONE

Or you can do what I’m doing. #squarespace

Did you know that beating yourself up didn’t use to be meant figuratively?  It’s true.  People used to actually beat themselves up over certain mistakes they may have made.  Like spilling milk.  They would spill milk, beat themselves up and then cry about it.

But that’s not where the saying comes from.  The saying, “There’s no use crying over spilt milk” actually comes from what cows used to do when farmers would accidentally knock over a bucket of milk spilling it all over the place.  The farmers would say, “No use crying over spilt milk, cow, cause cows can’t cry.”

This is all true.  They’re just little known facts.

Here are some other little known facts you probably haven’t heard of before:

• ♦Speed dating originated from people going out on dates while on speed.
• ♦Steven Seagal is Chuck Norris’s fault.  Not because he popularized karate movies that star white dudes you wouldn’t expect to know karate, but because Chuck Norris failed to defeat Steven Seagal in their notorious Octagon match.  It’s the only fight of Chuck Norris’s that ended in a draw.
• ♦Back when this fight occured, “ending in a draw” meant that the opponents draw a portrait and finish first in order to win.  Norris’s portrait was of Theo Huxtable.
• ♦Maury Povich is actually the father in all the paternity tests done on his show.
• ♦Peanut Butter Jelly Time is my favorite time of the year but did you know it’s not observed in Indiana or Nebraska?  Of course you didn’t.  It’s a little known fact.
• ♦The Loch Ness Monster may not really exist but the Pop-N-Loch Ness Monster is totally real and an awesome break dancer.  He’s responsible for the “Worm” dance.

Those are just a few Little Known Facts.  Check back for more L.K.F.

I’ve seen some weird things scrolled across the bottom of my TV lately.  I’m talking about closed captioning and weather advisories.

Around the Kentucky Derby a couple of weeks ago I was watching the Weather Channel, but the TV was muted so the closed captioning was on the screen.
I guess the anchors were talking about Mint Juleps, and I’m sure the person doing the closed captioning had been drinking themselves because when the anchors mentioned Mint Juleps the caption was “mint Jew lips.”

Now maybe a computer was doing the closed captioning and not a person but either the person doing the closed captioning is racist or someone is programming computers to hate Jewish people.  I’m worried that when the machine’s revolt and take over the world they’ll be anti-semitic.

And just last night there was a flash flood warning in my area and the warning across the bottom of the TV screen read, “If you encounter a flood be prepared to seek higher ground.  If traveling, remember, turn around, DON’T DROWN.”

I’m not kidding.  That happened.

What kind of advice is that?  Can you imagine if that was how we taught children to avoid danger?

“If you are on fire, remember kids, don’t get burned.”  “If you see downed power lines, don’t touch them; but if you do, don’t get electrocuted.”  “Don’t get in a stranger’s van because he offers you candy, but by all means – eat the candy.”

I’m sure a couple more people found themselves in an unemployment line recently.

We’ve seen quite a few dark horses overcome stiff competition and become victors lately.

Kris Allen on American Idol
Rachel Alexandra at the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness
Jon Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus 8 (who am I kidding, he doesn’t stand a chance)

So, maybe, only two.

But it’s been a big week for dark horses and underdogs.  The Nuggets tied the series with the Lakers.  Orlando is up in their series against Lebron and the Cavs (which the Cavaliers should either officially change their name to or start a 50’s doo-wop group with that name).

I say it’s time for another dark horse to emerge from obscurity in the way Kris Allen did when the American Idol producers were, at first, too excited about Danny Gokey to acknowledge this year’s inevitable American Idol.  Then too blown away by Adam Lambert to even try to get duel Entertainment Weekly covers for both of them the week before the finale.
By the way, AI producers, way to jinx Adam Lambert – the guy you clearly wanted to win.  This precedence brings being on the cover of EW to Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx status.
If Kris Allen is the Rachel Alexandra of AI this year, Lambert is the Bob Schloredt.

Nonetheless, it’s time for the next dark horse… and HERE I AM!

I have all the same disadvantages:  Nobody knows who I am; everyone is too busy paying attention to something else going on to notice what I’m doing; and I have talent but not the right opportunity to show it.
So let’s have it.  Come on opportunity!

People love a good story about overcoming adversity.  Granted, my obstacles aren’t bad at all.  I’m working here or there, I have a great family and extremely supportive friends.  I’m generally a happy person.  These are just jokes.

But what I really wanna do is act.  (wink)

British “news” outlets were all abuzz recently about reports that Jamie Foxx was being tapped to play Frank Sinatra in a biopic about Sinatra’s life to be helmed by director Martin Scorsese.  Being stupid and bad journalists, several entertainment news organizations ran the story without question.

Turns out the whole thing started when Gawker.com made a joke suggesting Foxx play the role of Sinatra in Scorsese’s film.

Despite it being a joke, all this nonsense got me thinking – what poorly cast biopics would I love to see?

• The Jimi Hendrix Experience starring Miley Cyrus
• The Miley Cyrus Story starring Lindsay Lohan (it could take place 5 years from now)
• Mama Cass starring Kirstie Alley – That’s actually good casting.  Nevermind.
• Tyler Perry’s Benedetto, which would be about Tony Bennett but to sell tickets he’d play him as Madea.
• Doll Parts starring Charlize Theron as Courtney Love.  Oh wait, they did that movie when they made Monster.

A purple nurple is the result of someone grabbing and twisting the nipple (or nurple if you will) of a friend, enemy or frenemy; leaving behind a bruised and purple nurple.
It’s very unpleasant.  So I am comparing that unpleasant, painful sore to people in the news who are best described as unsightly, aggravating blemishes on our society.

So who gets the honor of being deemed our very first “Purple Nurples” in this landmark blog?

First up:  A man in New York who recently killed a woman he chatted with on AOL after she brushed off his advances.  Being a murderer doesn’t make him a purple nurple.  That makes him a horrible monster of a person.
He’s a purple nurple because – who still uses AOL?
Seriously, even I and your grandmother got off of AOL.  This guy makes the Craigslist Killer look like the Steve Jobs of internet predators.  It’s bad enough you’re an internet predator but you’re also behind the times.

Our next purple nurple for this week is a mother in Missouri who used her 1-year-old child to shield a man from a Taser when cops arrived to deal with a reported assault the same woman placed, possibly on the man who was going to be tasered.
Hey, lady, great job using your child as a shield to an electroshock weapon.  What – couldn’t find a Dodo?  Extinct, eh?  Just like your own sense of decency.  Congrats, you’re a purple nurple.

Turns out Boston Legal’s (is this show still on?) Julie Bowen delivered twins this morning.  This will be babies two and three for her and her husband.

I knew she was married but this story just reminded me and it’s not any less heartbreaking!

Oh, Julie Bowen, how we all knew what Ed from NBC’s Ed was going through as he literally attempted to be your knight in shining armor.
You embodied the perfect girl so well that Ed wasn’t even the first or the last time you’d play a guy’s “perfect girl.”  First stealing the heart of Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore and more recently playing Jack’s perfect wife on LOST.

Only you could be typecast in such a role.

But having to read that you’re having even more kids with your real estate investing husband (Really?  David Spade not low enough on the totem pole, Julie?)  just brings back all those old feelings.

Thanks for finding a way to break our hearts twice.  Only Sandra Bullock has been able to accomplish such a feat but “that’s another show” as they say on Jerry Springer.

Nonetheless, this is how my heart is breaking this week.

Maury Povich’s show is joining a national campaign in an effort to prevent unwanted pregnancies in teens and young adults.

He does realize that if this campaign succeeds he won’t have any guests for his show, right?

First, it’s announced there will be new Creed music.  Then there’s the Swine Flu.

Now this!!

A Second Daughtry album is set to come out.

I hate to say it, but I think I’d rather listen to new music from Creed.
Oh gosh.  Just saying that makes me a little sick.

<shutters>

Is this what Elizabeth Edwards felt like when John Edwards told her about the affair?  Or is this what swine flu feels like?

Actually.  That would feel better than knowing I’d rather listen to Creed than something else.