How My Heart is Breaking this Week
Rarely do you get good news when you turn on the TV to watch the news or click over to a news website. But when you do get good news it’s a joyous occasion. That happened over the weekend for me.
But as the next news cycle begins the news organizations go back to their old “doom and gloom” coverage.
Example: http://www.people.com/people/package/article/0,,20395222_20486622,00.html
What? Pippa had a date for the Royal Wedding?? I JUST found out about her last week!
I didn’t care about the Royal Wedding. I’m not British or romantic enough to care, I guess. But once I saw that shining face of fun and adorableness I was hooked!
She even has an adorable name! Pippa! Aww, so cute. I’d definitely go to a wedding with her. And come to think of it, I love wedding cake. It’s my favorite thing about weddings. I can’t wait until I get married. I’ve dreamed about the cake I’d have since I was a little boy.
Oh, yellow and almond cakes with ice cream cake frosting and butter cream frosting draped with fresh fruit – GET IN MY BELLY!
Man, I bet that Royal Wedding cake was delicious! And what’s that I spy on the menu? Brisket with Horseradish? Delectable!
This is too disappointing. This whole ordeal has maybe even ruined weddings for me. I was all about some Pippa, ya’ll. Pippa!
But now I find she’s brought a date? Some chump of a cricket player. What kind of sport is that? Call me when I’m done with my game of Madden. Loser.
I’m hurt guys. I mean, I just assumed she was going to the wedding without a date. It’s never fun for the date when you’re in the wedding.
What was Pippa even thinking? How inconsiderate. Maybe she’s not the fun, sweet, darling of a woman I thought.
Oh, who am I kidding? You had me at ‘ello, Pippa. You had me at ‘ello.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
So’s Your Face
I was just accused of being homophobic for laughing about how catty a man who happened to be gay was on an episode HGTV’s ”Bang for Your Buck.”
For one, that’s not exactly homophobic. He was being a baby.
Secondly, I’m obviously not homophobic - I’m watching HGTV’s “Bang for Your Buck.”
I Gotta Gotta Gotta Got My Girl Swag On
Remember that holocaust to the senses that Rebecca Black’s “Friday” was? Well there’s more where that came from! 12 year old girls across the country (okay, across Beverly Hills) with rich parents can cut a single thanks to the terrorist activity of Ark Music Factory.
And here’s my new favorite artist’s page:
http://arkmusicfactory.com/profile/MadisonBray
Please listen to “Girl Swag On.”
It should be stated that the girls shouldn’t be to blame. Yeah, they want this attention and “fame.” But kids are like that. The problem is that there are parents willing to put them through this and a company writing such awful, awful music.
Move over Ke$ha, Patrice Wilson is the new public enemy no. 1 of music.
That’s right, when it comes between Ke$ha and this fool’s music I’m gonna side with KE$HA! This jerk made me side with KE$HA!!
I do have to say, they make Insane Clown Posse sound like early Insane Clown Posse.
I’m a Daisy if You Do
In my act I made a joke once or twice about how I understand “actors sometimes do movies cause they need money, but how much money does Val Kilmer need exactly? He’s done 3 movies with 50 Cent.”
Here’s the thing, at the time I was only aware of one movie they were in together and was exaggerating for humor. So imagine my surprise when I find out they actually have made 3 movies together! Two were, not surprisingly, straight-to-video releases.
It’s like they heard my joke and decided to make it true. Or maybe things I say in jokes come true in some weird “Liar, Liar,” non-explicable sort of way!
Hmmm. Anne Hathaway and Rashida Jones are deeply in love with me and I’m gonna win 300 million dollars…I’m just kidding.
Now it’s bound to happen! Yay!
The reason I care about this is, for one thing, Val Kilmer was the first actor I said was my favorite. Real Genius is still my all-time favorite movie. Yeah, Christopher Nolan, I said it! I put Dark Knight in the same category that I put Real Genius in!
The other thing is that Val Kilmer went to the prestigious art school Julliard and at the time was the youngest student to be admitted into it’s drama department until a mighty mouse named Seth Numrich beat his placement scores. I told you I loved Real Genius.
Anyway, Julliard used to be prestigious, but considering one of their most famed graduates has now starred alongside 50 Cent in at least 3 films I have to think their image is a bit tarnished.
Virginia College is looking better and better every day.
I love Val Kilmer. I always will. I will watch these bound to be horrible movies. He might be the new B-movie Nicolas Cage, but he’s MY Nicolas Cage. I just can’t understand why he hasn’t done Psych yet.
On a related note, how messed up is it that Val Kilmer was in one of the best Pacino-DeNiro movies (Heat) and that 50 Cent (Val’s new “Pacino,” if you will) is in the WORST Pacino-DeNiro movie, Righteous Kill? Also, how messed up is it that 50 Cent was in a movie with DeNiro and Pacino??
Even more messed up…you made it through this entire blog despite not knowing who Val Kilmer even is. I know you’re a dear friend of mine and I love you.
I’m Hosting the Oscars Next Year!!!
With all the talk about the squabble between James Franco (Oscar Co-host) and Bruce Vilanch (long-time Oscar writer) I thought I’d mention why I hated this year’s telecast of the Oscars…in short, it blew.
I’m not blaming the hosts like everyone else. Haven’t we been around long enough to know that the hosts don’t produce these shows usually? Yeah, Niel Patrick Harris did when he hosted the Emmy’s, but if you read anything about this year’s Oscars you’d know Hathaway and Franco didn’t produce the show.
Are the people blaming the hosts the same people that think Conan and other talk show hosts are actually recording their shows at 11 or 11:30? I bet they’re the same people who think stand up comedians come up with their jokes right on the spot…even when they’ve heard the comic do the joke before.
They thought Bruce Willis really died at the end of Sixth Sense. Obviously, he died at the beginning when he was shot. They just revealed he was dead the whole time at the end of the movie. Maroons.
"Everybody say, 'Heeeeyyyy.'"
Anyway, I’m not blaming the hosts. The problem is everyone knows Hathaway (who is lovely and glamorous) and Franco (who is James Dean above-it-all cool) are good SNL hosts, but the producers forgot that the people involved with producing an episode of SNL bother to write a funny show.
But not these producers. They wanted to bore us to tears. While watching this my mind actually fastforwarded to years down the road when I’m married, all of my friends have kids and we’re just bored, domesticated and the only exciting thing going on for us is watching the Oscars.
That’s what this telecast did to me that night. I still love you, Anne Hathaway, but so help me if those producers get nominated for an Emmy for this.
You could tell they were trying to stay away from Ricky Gervais-like jokes insulting everyone, but instead insulted our own sense of what we consider entertainment.
Emmy producers, you succeeded at one thing that night. Making me wish I was doing anything other than looking at something with Anne Hathaway.
I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream
I drove by the only Baskin-Robbins recently and it looked closed.
So I investigated. No sign of the location on the BR website. Google said it was permanently closed. I heard it had closed. But that wasn’t enough…I had to find out for myself.
I had to call their number.
Hey, Girlfriend
A girl friend told me the other day that girls are auditory in how they process whether a guy is interested in them romantically or not.
Which explains why so many girls in the past mistakenly thought I liked them when I would just say, “Hey!! How are you? It’s good to see you.”
Yeah, you could think I like you given how I speak to girls, but you really should think I’m gay.
Just look at the stuff I say to girls on Facebook; “Your hair looks great!” ”You’re wearing that dress.” ”I want them shoes, gurl.”
But you really shouldn’t make assumptions.
How My Heart is Breaking This Week
I’m shocked.
Olivia Wilde Separates from Husband.
No. My heart is not breaking because I’m upset for them. Though, yeah; nice people – sad news, whatever. My thing is this…he is a prince! That means he literally treated her like a princess. She was a princess!
If this guy can’t hold onto her with that game what chance does anyone else have at making her happy?? Do you know how many ponies she probably had?
I don’t know how they met, but if it’s anything like Coming to America it was glorious. Do you think he had someone sing to her “she’s your queen to be” on their wedding day? I’m seriously doing that for my future bride. Cause she would be my queen. To be.
But as awesome as that would be it apparently won’t be enough.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
Comfortably Dumb
So I was just recently told about this:
While watching this I had one of those rare experiences where a wave of thoughts came to mind at once.
- This is the worst thing to ever happen.
- Usually when someone says something is the worst they mean it figuratively. This is literally the worst band ever.
- I can’t think of anything I’ve seen that is this bad. And yes, I’m including Hudson Hawk, Eric Lutes, Stiles from Teen Wolf 2, Tommy Wiseau’s face, and the Jonas Bros. doing Gravity,
3:27 in is my favorite moment. He makes this “Ugh, that note was bad” face. I’m trying to figure out why he didn’t make that face the entire time he was singing. How does he only notice that one note?? Does he have the opposite of perfect pitch? Perfect tone deaf.
Then I saw this:
I have the feeling they thought this was a pro-cocaine song.
Who sold them these instruments? There should be a waiting period for buying instruments. Sellers will be required to find out how truly awful someone is before they can get an instrument. We can’t let people do this to society.
Did You Hear About Pluto?
Thanks, astronomers. You haven’t screwed up this much since you downgraded Pluto.
Poor planet named after a cartoon dog.
If you haven’t heard, astronomers have decided to go by the original Babylonian zodiac and it’s thrown off what your “sign” is. So now I’m not a Capricorn anymore. Now I’m a stinkin’ Sagittarius. Which sounds like a dinosaur with man-boobs.
So I went from being; practical, prudent, patient, humorous and careful to being; honest, straightforward, intellectual, philosophical, and freedom-loving (which is bullcrap, I love authority. If I were a state my motto would be “Tread on me all you want!” Just ask my ex-girlfriend Angie). I’m also supposed to be optimistic. My life is ruined!
Well this just stinks. I went from being a funny person to being someone who can enjoy funny people. Screw that. I’d rather make people laugh than go along with a good ribbing. The next person who teases me is gonna get snapped on like I was Dave Chappelle. Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. HA-HA, HA-HA, HAA!
They’re doing this to accommodate the subtle shifts in the Earth’s axis which changes the “constellation house” the sun is in during certain times of the year. I mean really!? Who cares? I swear, that sun is gonna be the death of us one day.
Not sounding too optimistic or intellectual now am I, astronomers? Or should I say, “JERKS?”
Say it Ain’t So, Val
I just read that Val Kilmer owes the US Government some money in back taxes.
I’m fighting the urge to say, “To the batcave!” Because one, that doesn’t make any sense and secondly…well it still just doesn’t make sense.
Here’s what I think Val Kilmer should do, go to jail.
Seriously! Wesley Snipes is doing it. Then the greatest comeback movie of all-time could be made. Chris Tucker could be in it, too.
But what could you call it? I know! ”To the Batcave!”
That still doesn’t make sense.
How My Heart is Breaking This Week
It looks like a lot of hearts are breaking these days.
It started a couple months ago with Blake Lively:
http://justjared.buzznet.com/2010/10/27/blake-lively-penn-badgley-split/
Despite this being a story about her splitting up with a guy it really is just another thing that breaks my heart. This story is a couple months old. So you know what that means? She’s had plenty of time to rebound with someone else!
Every guy around her was calculating how long it would take for her to be ready to date again so they can swoop in at just the right time.
And someone has!
http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b215393_source_blake_lively_ryan_gosling.html
GOSLING!!! This is the last time I let you break my heart, sir.
And there have been several other break ups recently. You’ve seen ‘em in the news. Zac and Vanessa, Tony and Eva, Randy Quaid and sanity.
But the break up breaking my heart the most is Scarlett Johansson’s and Ryan Reynolds’. And I know what you’re thinking, “But Jason, that means Scarlett is single. You have a chance!”
You think I have a chance? Ryan Reynolds couldn’t keep her and you think I have a chance?? There is no hope…with dope. Or for me and Scarlett.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
I’m Okay with That
There is still talk about making another Ghostbusters, but one where they turn over their proton packs to a new crew.
So it begs the question; what celebrities would you least hate to be the next Ghostbusters? I know how you hipsters are, you don’t like the idea of a new movie and you especially hate the idea of new Ghostbusters. You want the old ones and no one else. Cause you’re a snob.
But come on, we’re not talking about casting Justin Bieber in a remake of Goonies. They could legitimately make a new, good Ghostbusters movie.
I’m totally down with Seth Rogen being in it. And I say it’s a must that Donald Glover be in it. I know you’re all gonna say the new Egon-type should be Michael Cera. Not that the new crew should be carbon copies of the old crew, but I would like to see Jesse Eisenberg in that role.
Maybe we should make a Facebook page for this. Not one with quite the frenzy of pleading that Betty White host SNL. More like, “One Million Ghostbusters Fans Saying, ‘I’m Okay with Seth Rogen Being a Ghostbuster.’”
What? That’s Where I Celebrate Things
Pretty boy and Sexiest Man Alive Ryan Reynolds’ face has tormented me for years.
But it will torment me slightly less from now on.
Behold a slightly “bulbous” nose.
This doesn’t mean that at one point in time I was better looking than him. It just means he’s slightly less of a person.
Okay, that’s not true, but at least he wasn’t always ridiculously better looking than me. He was just naturally far better looking than I’ll ever be.
Yay! Sounds like something worth celebrating! Who wants to go to CiCi’s with me!?
(sidenote: You can’t even go to CiCi’s Pizza’s webpage without having them shout at you. www.cicispizza.com)
Me, I Want a Huuula Hoop
Usually when you get older you get better at things.
Expressing yourself. Taking care of yourself. Sabotaging your romantic relationships.
When I was a kid I could hula hoop. Every kid can. Recently I tried to hula hoop but couldn’t. At all! I don’t get it. It’s not like I’m out of shape. Did I get too old? Do I not have the sexy anymore? No. Nonsense! Either way, it doesn’t matter. I can’t do it. I’ve tried and tried.
Well, there goes my dream of being the lead singer of a Shakira cover band. The hips don’t lie, I can’t pull it off.
This Happened
So this movie was made.
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
When I used to see ads for Martin Lawrence’s movie “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” I would always say, “That movie could be made.”
I was wrong. This movie could be made.
Seriously, did they watch an episode of 30 Rock, see a fake poster for a movie Tracy Jordan made and overlook the sarcasm? ”Yeaaahhh, we need to do a movie like that!”
No. No you don’t.
It’s not that I don’t respect Martin Lawrence. And I think Brandon T. Jackson is great. But why? You guys are so talented and you’re better than this. Reject the notion that these are the only kind of big movies Hollywood will let you make.
Then again…I’m out of work.
Hey guys…can I play a cousin in the next one?
Good Job, America!
Well you really did it this week, America! This country is over as we know it. I mean, how stupid could you be? I honestly don’t know how we can move forward as a nation after what happened this week.
Yeah, I’m talking to you, America, you’ve ruined us. When America crumples due to your lack of good judgment it will be your fault. How could you be so careless in your choices?
Seriously, do you hate America?
Ke$ha Debuts at No. 1 on U.S. Singles Chart
You sat down at your computer. You went to iTunes and you clicked to buy a Ke$ha song. She officially is not going to have a sophomore slump. She’s gonna think she belongs in the zeitgeist. If she even know what that word means.
I hope you’re proud of yourselves.
Gonna Go Back in Time
Some people think there is a time traveler seen in a Charlie Chapin movie from 1928.
There are several reasons why people are stupid. This is one of them.
The sole reason they think this is a time traveler is because they appear to be talking with their hand up to their head as if on a cell phone.
Even if someone can figure out how to time travel, no cell phone company will figure out how to get you a signal in 1928. You Verizon users love to talk about how good your service is, but this is going too far, guys.
I also have a problem with the idea that we’ll be smart enough in the future to figure out time travel but dumb enough to go back in time just to show up in a Charlie Chaplin movie.
Yeah, future civilization, don’t bother stopping Martin Luther King or Lincoln from being assassinated. Enjoy your day as an extra in a Charlie Chaplin movie.
Jerks.
Angry Ol’ Bird
What’s up you dirty whore of a person.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just on edge, ya see.
So there’s this game. It’s called Angry Birds, ya see. And I keep playing this game but I can’t get it myself. I need a friend, ya see. You get the picture. I have friends that have the good stuff. Yeaaaahhhh.
My addiction to this game is seriously that bad. And I don’t have the game. It’s a cell phone video game…that I can’t get on my phone. I don’t have an iPhone or a Droid. You can even play it on an iPad. I’m seriously jonesin’ to play this game so bad that I’m considering going to the Apple store just so I can play it on the iPads. Which I’m sure they won’t approve of.
I gotta get my story straight now. I’ll tell them “Look, ya see, I’m considering asking for an iPad for Christmas so I want to test it out, ya see. Now SCRAM!”
That way I can “test it out” for awhile undisturbed and without being hassled to buy anything. I’m a genius, ya see!
Could I be working on something instead of going to the mall to play a video game? Yes. It’s that addicting, I tell ya’s! I have a problem.
I wonder what the programmers of Angry Birds played when they were supposed to be working. Do you think anyone said, “Hey, let’s get this game finished so we can have a game to waste time with!”
This is the sort of stuff I think about. Ya see.
I Think Cartoon Mr. T Said it Best
When I get particularly antsy for work I look at Craigslist. It’s always a huge disappointment until I come across a post like this!
This guy needs pictures of you strangers. Pictures of you in your underwear. But please, no nudes, cause this is a classy organization.
And also, make sure the picture aren’t from a year ago…when you looked very different. Cause we all looked very different a year ago.
Not because he’s judgmental, but because he doesn’t like surprises or “oqward” situations…or spell checking.
Actually, he probably does like spell checking. He just just thought that’s how you spell the word “awkward” because he’s so stupid.
Uncover Letter
Why can’t we convey why we really want a job in cover letters we write? Cut out all the crap and just get straight to the point.
“Hello, I’m Jason Farr. I’m a local actor, comedian, and writer. Buzz words, more buzz words, I’m great, blah, blah blah. Listen. I’m contacting you because I want to work with your company. Your company is great and blah blah years of excellence blah blah I want a challenge blah. That’s not really why I’m seeking work with you.
You see, there’s this girl. I’m interested in her. She’s pretty great, but I can’t take her out to dinner if I’m broke. So that’s the real reason I want a job with you. Cause I want happiness. I want professional happiness, but I won’t be laying in bed at night nuzzling my job one day. I’ll be nuzzling my wife and our beautiful children Will and Jada. I’m not saying she’s the one, but how can I know without trying? How can I try without going on a date? So I need a job to pay for this date.
Hey, I could go anywhere just to get some job so I can have money to take this girl out on awesome dates. And let me tell you, they would be awesome. I’m clearly pretty clever. But I chose you because I like you guys.
I’m not seeking just some job with you, though. I’d work hard. I need to keep a job. For the steady income. Cause ya see, there’s this girl…”
THAT should get me work.
Who wouldn’t appreciate that honesty? Who wants some unoriginal shlub who structured a cover letter the way some blog told him to? Where’s the passion? Being straight up about why you want the work shows heart.
I bet it’s how most of John Cusack’s characters would apply for a job.
I’m doing this.
If they don’t respond to my cover letter maybe I’ll stand in front of their office playing “In Your Eyes” on a boom box.
Who’s a Purple Nurple?
Someone is a purple nurple, but I actually don’t know who to be more disgusted with. Michael Douglas’ ex-wife or his ex-wife’s lawyer.
Michael Douglas, the actor from such hit films as “Wall Street,” “Fatal Attraction,” and “Basic Instinct” reprises his role from “Wall Street” in the new film “Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps” which sounds like the video game version of “Wall Street.”
He is being sued by his former wife, whom he divorced 10 years ago after awhile of not being together anyway. She’s asking for 50% of the amount he made for his work on the new film.
I know what you’re thinking, “But they weren’t married when he made this film. How can she lay claim to this? Especially since she’s made over $6 million in DVD sales since their divorce for movies he made prior to the divorce and he doesn’t own the rights to the character he played in both films.”
Interesting that you know so much about the situation but still have to ask questions, but to answer your question – I don’t know.
But that’s not even the main reason why I’m calling anyone a purple nurple. What makes this so grotesque is that he just announced last week that he has THROAT CANCER!
And her lawyer had the gall to reference a famous line from “Wall Street” to make HIM look like the greedy one. ”Greed is about someone…who won’t pay his spouse.”
Are you kidding me??
That would be like Michael Douglas’ lawyer saying, “Your honor, there is one basic instinct here. This woman has a fatal attraction to money. Why not just boil his rabbit? Seriously, talk about romancing the stone…s she’s gonna be buying with all that money. Really. I’m falling down over here. Is this a game, or what? Is he gonna accidentally shoot his brother played by Sean Penn? What a perfect murder that would be. He is Michael Douglas…and he IS the president of the United States. Wonder Boys!”
Admittedly, I got a little carried away there.
Lady who used to be married to Michael Douglas and your lawyer…you’re a purple nurple.
I Wish He Were More Like Marcel Marceau
For the last 6 years my belief when it came to politics has been that no matter who is elected things can’t get so bad that we’d be living the life portrayed in Mad Max or Soylent Green.
Yeah, things might get tough for a particular group, but for the most part we’d be fine. It’s just 2 years or 4 years, anyway. They’ll get voted out of office or terms limits will cut off their time ruining our states or our country. Then someone else will come and keep us from becoming Uzbekistan. (note: I have no clue how things are in Uzbekistan. I just like saying Uzbekistan.)
Well, that argument has finally met its match.
Basil Marceaux.
You might have seen segments about him on The Colbert Report. If you haven’t, let me fill you in.
THE GUY IS BAT CRAP CRAZY.
I would link to some sites to illustrate my point, but if you just throw a rock on the internet you’d hit something that shows just how nuts this guy is.
I will include this video, though, because the best way to listen to Basil Marceaux is with subtitles.
Geez, and people say President George W. Bush is a bad public speaker. This guy makes President Bush look like Frederick Douglass. I have to say, in Crazy Land I can actually follow Basil’s line of thinking.
If there is a way for a state to be run so poorly that it literally sinks into the Earth and disappears, Basil Marceaux would be the man to do it. I honestly don’t know if Tennessee would exist if he governed it. I think it would just disappear or be sold to Uzbekistan. See, it’s fun!
This is just so rich. I can’t wait to track the TN Primaries later today!
What’s That on Your Poker Face?
While at the gym earlier a lady on an elliptical in front of me is watching CNN. That “Showbiz” show is on but all they’re showing is that picture circulating media outlets of Jessica Simpson’s twitpic of her and her new boyfriend kissing adorably and Lindsay Lohan looking like how I imagine Hollywood feels.
This is not news! It’s not “show” and it’s not “biz,” either. And it’s CNN, so they can’t use the argument that showing sleaze and non-story stories gets them ratings. They don’t have any ratings! Or integrity!
Here’s an idea! Don’t do what every other entertainment news program is doing. Instead, actually talk about the business. I’m not saying they have to go as inside and nerdy as the pilot episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. (I loved that show) I’m just saying that they should show something that actually reflects the name of the program.
Talk about entertainment and talk about the business aspect of the entertainment world. Don’t run a story about a picture Jessica Simpson tweeted.
That’s not a story. And on top of that, Jessica Simpson beat you to it. Anyone who cared about that already saw it when they were on Twitter.
The news used to be about stories you wouldn’t have already heard about because you couldn’t have. Or they’d give you more details on a story you probably already heard about. Not about stuff everyone’s already talked about.
I’m sorry, but it’s not news to tell us that Lady GaGa does cocaine occasionally. We already figured that…because we’ve seen her.
The only news you could bring us on that story is what her connotation of “occasionally” is because given her act it’s possible she thinks it means, “A lot. Like, a LOT, a lot.”
I’ll never forgive you, Travel Channel, for putting something other than Samantha Brown on when I’m working out.