In Regards To Casey, Megan, and Sparkles
People have their crazy sports traditions and superstitions. So crazy that they’ll think THEY are the reason their team lost a crucial game. A belief that is terribly self-centered.
To them the whole universe does or does not work based on their actions. The stars won’t be aligned if they simply wear the wrong underwear.
These crazy people don’t even attribute the actions of the team’s collective fan base to the outcome. No one else’s superstitions matter. It all comes down to them.
They also don’t realize when a camera is in their face while they cry about whatever predicament they got themselves or their team into. Or so it would seem considering any video on You Tube of a person crying uncontrollably about Justin Bieber, setting fire alarms, or in this case wearing a nail polish with sparkles before the big Packers/Giants game:
Packer Fans Cry When Sparkles Get Involved
It is okay to cry…but not about any of that.
Beer and people go so well together so often. Also, nice job blowing that stop sign 22 seconds into the video because you were too busy recording your sister.
Geez, Megan – telling people to do the sparkles, blowing stop signs, and inevitably blowing a .17 on a breathalyzer one day! You’re the worst, Megan! The worst!!
How My Heart is Breaking This Week
Oh no!!
Johnny Depp and that pretty lady I was never really aware of are living separate lives according to People Magazine. Their evidence…they “have not appeared side-by-side on a red carpet for more than a year.”
Great Oden’s beard, the horror!
In Hollywood that’s what stands for a rocky marriage. You know something that isn’t terrible? Red carpet events and TV Specials. I can’t imagine anyone not watching to watch each and every red carpet special so it can’t be possible that someone wouldn’t want to go to one.
If someone didn’t want to go to a red carpet event that would certainly be grounds to divorce them. Seriously, what a mockery they make of companionship. Where is the commitment to the sanctity of it all??
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
How My Heart Is Breaking This Week
It’s raining where I live and that doggone rain got that Brian McKnight song “One Last Cry” stuck in my head somehow.
At least I assumed it was the rain. I have a strict Milli Vanilli policy in my house. I always blame it on the rain. I blame all good things on the boogie…not sunshine, not good times, not moonlight – the boogie!
So that sad, pedestrian old song about having one last cry before moving on was stuck in my head all because of the rain. Or so I thought.
Then I saw THIS: Anne Hathaway Engaged!!
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This is an outrage and that last line is the only way I can show my frustration!! Really, Anne? You couldn’t wait it out a little longer? Give it some more time before meeting me? Just had to go and get engaged! Now who am I supposed to focus my energy on? The girl I’m seeing? (I’m fine with that)
LISTEN! The thing that’s really got me down (other than the internal bleeding that this engagement has caused) is that the whole time Anne Hathaway is on the screen in the next Batman movie as Catwoman I won’t be able to do anything but think, “Welp, I’ll never marry her now that she’s engaged…and because I’ll probably never meet her.”
You’re ruining Nolan’s last Batman movie, Anne! I hope you’re happy!! (I’m sorry for yelling. Please come back.)
I’m more angry than sad…at least for now.
Tonight I’m getting a tub of ice cream and watching some Love Actually. Cause Anne Hathaway is getting married to some poor man’s Ryan Gosling.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
I Ain’t ‘Fraid of No Food
Netflix has the show Man v. Food in their “Feel-Good TV” category on their site.
I don’t exactly call watching a guy eat himself to death “feel-good TV.” Nothing about watching that feels good. Just watching that show makes me feel like I’ve had too much to eat. You know, that stuffed-stomach feeling you get because you had to have one more bite of mac-n-cheese.
And I’d do it again…cause I looove mac-n-cheese. (hey, turk!) (hey, tina)
Now, Wings, that’s some feel-good TV.
Teresa’s Got a Big Ol’ Butt
So Kim Kardashian served Thanksgiving dinner to homeless people in LA this week.
Though serving in your community is a great thing to do, and when you’re rich and famous for not having discernible talent you probably should spend most of your time giving back I can’t help but wonder what must have gone through the minds of the homeless people.
“Gee, this girl is awfully pretty. Who is she? Say, why is she leaving now after getting her picture tak-MAN she’s got a big butt!”
Before you read into that the wrong way, whenever I reference a big butt it’s always a good thing.
Speaking of Kim Kardashian’s big butt, earlier today I read some headlines that Kim’s ex-husband (though it’s hard to consider him an ex when they were only married for 72 days) Kris Humphries said Kim had a “fat ass.”
The press is all over this story and they’re painting the comment out to make him a jerk. I say to the press, “YOU’RE the jerk, jerkface!!”
Because of posterior-ists in the press they are assuming it’s a bad thing to have a big butt. But ask long time big butt activist Sugarbear Eliot and he’ll tell you, “When ya get that notion/put your backfield in motion, HEY.” Not the most articulate of dudes, but a champion for butts nonetheless. Whenever you say, “What an ass,” be reminded of Sugarbear Eliot.
Anyway, Humphries’ supposed comment just wasn’t a controversial statement to me. When I read the headline, “Kris Humphries says Kim has a ‘fat ass,’” I thought, “Well I assume that’s why he married her, right?”
Hey, his dad is a black dude who likes white women.
Chomp
So there was a spill in Pittsburgh that disabled around 100 vehicles this week.
That looks delicious. At least it looks more edible than a McRib.
Be Careful What You Queue
So I came across this on my Netflix.
Should I be worried about the profession I chose to go in? Do you notice the bottom row? Because I’m interested in comedy I must be interested in addiction and cocaine and meth.
Comedy is the world’s most dangerous drug, I suppose. I’m hooked.
It concerns me a bit for Netflix. Is this what things have become? Times have been tough and I’m afraid they’ve turned to a life of cheap thrills and quick fixes.
Are you okay, Netflix? Do you need an escape? I’m just worried, that’s all. I’ve heard you were involved with WalMart. Listen, I know they talk a big game, but they will leave you high and dry. Just be careful, okay?
And for the love, stay away from that Quibids.com. They are shady.
How My Heart is Unbreaking This Week
One of the only “unbreaks” in existence!
Zoe Saldana broke up with her fiance and long-time love of 11 years this week.
I mean, I’m sorry for them. This has to be tough. But I really needed a win. I’m counting this as a win because in my head (and my heart!) I imagined a single Zoe Saldana randomly bumping into me on the street and saying, “Oh, well hello, stranger.” But in a really cute, flirty way. Not at all in that creepy way in which you read it.
So, for once, I can say my heart is NOT breaking this week. It should be noted that my heart is never really breaking. These are just jokes. I just think these ladies are lovely. Zoe Saldana being a free woman (I’ll never meet) is a light at the end of the tunnel.
And that is how my heart is unbreaking this week.
Operation Operation Dumbo Drop
I have a great idea.
How about, as a gift to the troops serving in the Middle East and to the people they are protecting, we deliver giant crates filled with Operation Dumbo Drop DVDs.
There’s no way Ray Liotta and Danny Glover can’t help mend things over there. No. Way.
The X-Factor
Now that the premiere episodes of the most hyped show of the season, The X-Factor, have aired we can talk about it. Not how unnecessary it is, just “it.”
Seriously, don’t we have enough talent shows? Among The Voice, American Idol, America’s Got Talent we should have found the next Michael Jackson 4 times over. Instead we haven’t even found the next Bobby Brown…but I’m sure we’ve found the next drug-addled pop star.
The show is fine when compared to every other singing competition shows. It maybe has too much pomp and circumstance, but what do you expect when Simon Cowell is involved? At least my childhood crush and my current crush can be seen onscreen at the same time.
Oh, Nicole Sherzinger and LA Reid…you complete me.
There is one thing I noticed that is different about this show than American Idol – the sadness of the auditions. Granted, when some young, tone deaf buffoon auditions it’s really no different. And they try so hard…to look like a pop star. Then they get so mad when they’re told they aren’t. That happens on both shows. But because there is no age limit on X-Factor that sadness is compounded when some older buffoon auditions.
I’m talking about the newly divorced mother who was told her whole life and by that no good ex-husband that she couldn’t sing. But she believed in herself. She just knew she could do it. She’d show them! Now’s her chance to show them all just how wrong they were. X-Factor is here! Step aside twinkies, let a real woman through. I am gonna own this stage…with mediocrity.
It made me appreciate the age limit on American Idol. It forces people who can’t sing, but are deluded enough to think they are the next American Idol, to face the music they can’t match the key of at a young age.
They don’t face it immediately. They walk out of that audition all affronted. ”How dare they not pick me!” But when they watch it when it airs…and they will…they will see for themselves that they stink. But that’s good, because they see it at 22. They get over it then and there.
But these people on X-Factor. They went that extra 20 years of delusion. For 2 entire decades, through the birth and raising of their children, they kept telling themselves, “I could make it if it weren’t for these kids.” For years they thought they were singing beautifully to their children. ”My kids listen to me when I sing. At least they did before they started talking and could ask me to stop.”
And then finally their chance came. And it’s just sadder to see. When you see some kid who can’t sing have their dreams crash and burn you think, “Eh, they’ll be alright. They have their whole life ahead of them to figure out what their real gift is.” But when you see a 43 year old so embarrassingly try to sing Heart’s “Barracuda” a small part of you dies with their hopes and dreams.
And that part that dies is the one that made you like that song. For the love, can people stop butchering that song?
Art Imitates Life
Why are people strapping bombs to people in real life?
I thought “30 Minutes or Less” was just entirely made up, but this is actually something that not only CAN happen, but DID happen?
Movies are supposed to have outlandish, unbelievable premises. That’s kind of the point of creating something, you have free reign. And I implore you to be creative. The more outlandish and creative the better.
My dad complains about movies all the time. ”You can’t switch faces with someone. That’s stupid.” ”So this spaceship has been sitting there for decades and Will Smith can just get in it and then fly it?” Well, for one, yes. Because Will Smith can do anything. But also, THAT’S your complaint about “Independence Day?” Not that it sucked? I say that kind of crap is exactly what movies are made for. It’s a fantasy world so it should be outlandish. People should act real, but situations and circumstances can be ridiculous.
So when I saw the premise for “30 Minutes or Less” I thought, “Hey, that’s fine. Whatever. It’s a movie. That’s where crap like that should exist.”
As convincing as “Batman Begins” was at making me believe that someone could do what Bruce Wayne did you still can’t do that. It can only happen in a movie.
That’s not entirely true, because “30 Minutes or Less” is based on something that actually happened in 2003! Only that guy was killed.
Well that’s it. We need a Batman. Seriously. If jerks are gonna go all diabolical madman on us with crap that only makes sense in movies then someone needs to step up and be Batman.
And no, I’m not talking about those morons who put on costumes and “fight” crime. They don’t count. They’re idiots. That’s why they get beat up all the time. That and they are stupid.
If you want to be a crime fighting vigilante you need to ask yourself some questions.
- Do you have an actual super power? If yes, by all means, fight crime. If no, continue to question 2.
- Are you a God or Goddess from another realm who was somehow teleported here? Yes? Then by all means, fight crime. If no, continue to question 3.
- Are you one of the world’s richest billionaires who became a ninja and studied various forms of martial arts who can afford gadgets and tanks and a fully-functioning combat suit that can deflect bullets? Yes? Then by all means, fight crime. If not, get over yourself and stop wasting everyone’s time.
How My Heart is Breaking This Week
Entertainment Weekly posted new photos from the new Spider-Man movie on their website today. You’d think that would be cool, right?
Wrong.
Showing her roots
Because they also posted a picture of Andrew Garfield with his on-screen love interest, Emma Stone. Also known as my girlfriend…who is also known as Andrew Garfield’s girlfriend!
So let me get this straight. You’re allowed to be in great movies, be the new Spider-Man AND date my off-screen love interest? I’m not okay with that. And the rules don’t have to say I have to like it or you ONE BIT!
I’d never let you save me Spider-Man. Mainly because I think spiderwebs are gross, but also because of the Emma Stone thing.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
What?! Seriously??
I am a nerd.
And because of that I look up useless information all the time like box-office grosses. As I was looking up Judd Apatow’s film grosses on Box Office Mojo I saw that not only did “Don’t Mess with the Zohan” make $100 million, they also spent $90 to make it.
Now, I love Judd Apatow and would do anything to work with him. But I was a bit surprised that “Zohan” made that much. I don’t recall it being referred to as a hit, but the numbers say otherwise. Either way, it made me wonder something about comedies and which are the biggest hits. So I looked that up.
Box Office Mojo splits comedies up into several categories and doesn’t have an “All-Time” comedy list. Seriuosly? ”Bumbing” is a genre of film now? So I Googled for the results and came up with a couple of articles that omitted a movie I was sure had to be one of the highest grossing comedies of all-time; “Ghostbusters.”
Here are the two lists I saw:
Part of the issue is that there are no lists of just comedies. They’re all some specific type of comedy. Thanks Box Office Mojo for letting us know the top Fat-Suit Comedies of all-time, but not having a list of just simply “comedy.”
The argument some would make is that Ghostbusters isn’t a comedy, it’s a “Family, Adventure, Mystery” film. I say, “Hogwash!” That movie is a straight up comedy. Box Office Mojo (rightly) calls the movie a “Horror Comedy.” It’s no less of a comedy than “Beverly Hills Cop,” and just as much of one as “Blazing Saddles” or “Animal House.”
And you cant’ tell me that “Home Alone” is funnier than “Ghostbusters” and be right! ”Ghostbusters” is a comedy. That’s one of the funniest movies of all-time.
Home Alone 2 is even on those lists. They’re wrong. They’re wrong and I’m gonna fix it by posting a list of my own. So I give you…..
The Top Ten Highest Grossing Comedies of All-Time Adjusted for Inflation (all figures are in millions):
1. The Sting – $700,662,900
2. The Graduate – $672,591,200
3. Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace – $666,730,800
4. Shrek 2 - $558,460,300
5. Ghostbusters – $536,264,849
6. Home Alone – $532,390,800
7. Beverly Hills Cop – $527,799,100
8. American Graffiti - $516,514,300
9. Blazing Saddles - $496,968,300
10. National Lampoon’s Animal House - $470,737,500
This list is comprised of movies that are intended to be comedies. Including a movie like “American Graffiti” may make you scratch your head, but it is intended to be and billed as a comedy. So it’s fair to put it on here.
While putting this together someone argued about my inclusion of “Star Wars: Episode I.” While it may not be billed as a comedy I can’t imagine that it was not intended to be a comedy. It’s hilarious even down to the name. What the heck was the “Phantom Menace?” But if you’re a stickler about this then I’ll add an 11th comedy to fill out the “Top Ten.”
11. Tootsie - $447,265,000
Just for the nerd of it I’ll also include a list of highest grossing films that are of another genre, but are kind of close to cross genre comedies:
1. Grease - $604,605,000
2. My Fair Lady - $471,600,000
3. Back to the Future - $464,138,100
4. Rocky Horror Picture Show - $432,845,700
You could probably make a solid argument that “Shrek 2″ and “Back to the Future” are flat out comedies. But it is vague whether or not the filmmakers were intending to make a flat out comedy or a cross-genre comedy or just a movie. They aren’t billed as comedies, per se.
Speaking of straight up comedies, the nerd in me is wondering what the highest grossing straight up comedies are. The type of list I’d imagine the fantastic comedy skewed site www.splitsider.com would put together.
The question is, what is a “straight up comedy?” Should we merely define a comedy as being a funny movie? If that’s the case, “The Room” is the best comedy of all-time and “Independence Day” is the highest grossing. Cause it is truly hilarious how good we all thought “Independence Day” was when it came out.
I think it would be fair to say that a movie is a “straight up comedy” if it’s intention is to be, first and foremost, a comedy. The argument then would be case-by-case. Is “Ghostbusters” a comedy first and foremost? I’m not sure what Dan Akyroyd was going for when he wrote the script. He honestly could have been intending to make a science fiction movie first, adventure second, comedy third. Or what about “Beverly Hills Cop?” The action is pretty high in that. It’s really funny, they got a comedian to star in it, but the make up of that movie might still be best described as equal parts action and comedy.
So should the fairest “straight up comedy” list be made up of movies that are solely comedies? That still brings up arguments because I’d say “Blazing Saddles” is simply a comedy. Just because it’s set in the old west doesn’t make it a Western, for me. That movie is flat out a comedy because that’s what Mel Brooks intended it to be. But not everyone would agree with that.
This is getting tiring. I’ll only include movies that are billed simply as comedies so no cross-genres. No Comedy Dramas, no Horror Comedies, no Romantic Comedies, no Fantasy Comedies, no Western Comedies – just movies simply billed as “comedy.” (but I will say “Blazing Saddles” is just as much a “comedy” as “Animal House”). Anyway, here is that (somewhat stupid) list of….
Highest Grossing Straight Up Comedies of All-Time:
1. National Lampoon’s Animal House - $470,737,500
2. Tootsie - $447,265,000
3. It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World - $423,460,800
4. M*A*S*H – $405,928,939
5. Meet the Fockers – $353,460,985
6. Three Men and a Baby – $337,278,349
7. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me – $318,794,306
8. 9-5 - $301,807,929
9. Stir Crazy – $295,991,821
10. The Jerk – $293,473,767
The most recent movies on this list are Austin Powers (a 12 year old movie!) and Meet the Fockers. Where are “Wedding Crashers,” “The Hangover” or “The Hangover II” you ask? 11th, 17th and 18th places mixed in with some movies you’ve probably never heard of. Hint: The Love Bug is the original version of Herbie: Fully Loaded!
The Hangover – $290,633,983
What’s Up, Doc? – $282,220,235
Porky’s - $282,030,923
The Love Bug - $279,345,507
Austin Powers in Goldmember – $278,043,118
Welcome Stranger – $261,305,700
Wedding Crashers – $256,591,503
The Hangover II - $246,528,000
This list actually shows a dire situation for modern comedies. Even our biggest hits are only as big as forgettable movies like “Welcome Stranger” or “What’s Up, Doc?” Maybe it’s not fair to call them forgettable, but there has to be some reason I’ve never heard anyone talk about them ever.
It especially worries me because I wonder how women will be treated in Hollywood with the success of “Bridesmaids.”For years you’d hear people say, “women aren’t funny,” or “women can’t open movies.” And with the recent success of the Kristen Wiig-led, all-female cast many thought those arguments were dead.
But why weren’t those silly arguments killed in 1980 when “9-5″ was such a big hit? An even bigger hit than “The Hangover.” Results apparently don’t stop stupid people, I guess. Nonetheless, we will thankfully see the name “Kristen Wiig” above title on more movie posters.
And that’s a good thing.
But can we all just agree that “Ghostbusters” is a straight up comedy?
(sources: BoxOfficeMojo.com and some random sites I found through a Google search to find the super old movies from the 1940′s. And I realize these lists have overlooked a couple of movies billed as “comedies” but I refuse to put “Wild Hogs” on any list.)
Jason Farr Can’t Stop
Welp, I watched Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop last night and it was great.
I wish that could be on the cover for the DVD when it comes out. ”Welp…” – JasonFarrIsAwesome.com
Anyway, I can’t stop posting my title ideas for episodes of Conan. Actually, that’s not true. I forgot to post one yesterday. I can sorta stop. Maybe I can stutter stop cause I’m about to post another one today. I might come up with some more and do one a day next week.
Ah forget it, no one is paying attention. I’ll do the last two I have today. I’ll list all the ones I’ve Tweeted below because this is the laziest blog post ever. Let me just post something here that I’ve already posted elsewhere. Now this site is like The Huffington Post.
For those of you who don’t know, I’m a jackass. Also, I created a “contest” to name an episode of Conan because their episodes always have clever titles. I created a hashtag on Twitter #NameAConan and also #ContestsThatDontExist (because I’M so clever) and would post one of the 10 or so title ideas with the previous hashtags.
My hope was to win a car. Or a job. Or a cease and desist order. That wasn’t my hope. Why would someone hire me for this? If anything, this has hurt my chances of ever getting a full-time job again. This and our government being run into the ground.
Nonetheless, here is my list of title ideas for an episode of Conan:
Day 1: ”Adventures of the Ginger Head Man”
Day 2: ”What’s the hubbub, Jub Jub?”
Day 3: ”Secret Agent Man-Child”
Day 4: ”Something Hipster This Way Comes”
Day 5: ”Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Scones Will Never Hurt Me”
Day 6: ”The String Dance Massacre”
Day 7: ”Blood Diamonds are Fornever”
Day 8: ”The Ginger Bandit Skypes Again” (the more I see this one the more I hate it)
Day 9: ”The Devil’s Walk of Shame”
Day 10: “Papa Was a Rolling Stone Editor”
Day 11: “Moo Goo Gai Pandemic” (my personal favorite)
(One of their episodes was titled ”‘Quoth the Hipster, Whatevermore’” six days after my “hipster” one. Theirs was better but I like to think I was on the right track.)
Name This Blog
The title to last night’s episode of Conan was “Is Anyone Paying Attention to These Friggin’ Episode Titles?”
Why, yes, Coco. I am. The silly episode titles are one of m favorite things about the show. I enjoy them so much that I even created a contest and a Twitter hashtag game; ”Name an episode of Conan!” which I’m about to launch in a few minutes.
I took it upon myself to create this obviously necessary contest because they hadn’t yet. It’s high time we had this! I haven’t quite figured out what the prize should be, but I’ve definitely decided to be selfish with it. I figure I’m gonna win this thing since I’ll probably be the only one playing. I’m a crafty devil.
A few prizes have come to mind. I’m just trying to decide between a new Ford Fusion, a job with the show or $25,000. So what if these are ridiculous. I created this fake contest and I do what I want!
I’ve come up with several possible titles and about 9 that I like. So, each day during the week I’ll post a title I came up with and I’ll include the hashtags #NameAConan and #conteststhatdontexist. Maybe I’ll @ the show, too. But I’m sure it will go largely unnoticed. They’re probably still sifting through “Grow the beard back” tweets.
As a little treat to you guys who visit my site I’ll include some of my rejected titles below.
Two Tickets to the Pun Show
The Ballad of Chip Chop
Conansus: The Forbin Project
The Sting of Gordon Sumner
My Diplomatic Immunity Has Just Been Revoked
Call of the Bergeron
Things to Do in Denver in Your Head
To see how my nerdiness unfolds follow me: @JasonDFarr
Stop It, Christians!
The worst thing to happen to my senses since listening to an exorcism: Nu Thang
If Jesus were in a grave He would be spinning in it.
This is NOT the “good works” talked about in Ephesians that we were created to do.
Seriously, why do videos like this keep happening? First it was “Jesus is My Friend,” then that terrible break dancing for Jesus video, then it was the stupid Christian-side-hug. Now this! Paul was doing more for Christians when he was killing them.
I am resolved to believe they’re trying to ruin Hip Hop. So many people have spoken out against Rap and Hip Hop calling them bad for the community. I think these instances are their attempts to neuter Hip Hop and make it lame.
Just look at how that kid is dancing around the 1:32 mark. What was that billy goat bullcrap he called dancing? Videos like this give Ricky Gervais more reason to believe that God doesn’t exist, or that if God does He doesn’t love us all. It really should prove the existence of the devil, though. Because what happens in this video is OF THE DEVIL.
The eye is the lamp of the body and seeing these things can’t be healthy for said body. You punks are causing me to be in darkness!
I have to keep telling myself that I can do anything through Him who gives me strength…can I unsee this, please?
How My Heart is Breaking this Week
Rarely do you get good news when you turn on the TV to watch the news or click over to a news website. But when you do get good news it’s a joyous occasion. That happened over the weekend for me.
But as the next news cycle begins the news organizations go back to their old “doom and gloom” coverage.
Example: http://www.people.com/people/package/article/0,,20395222_20486622,00.html
What? Pippa had a date for the Royal Wedding?? I JUST found out about her last week!
I didn’t care about the Royal Wedding. I’m not British or romantic enough to care, I guess. But once I saw that shining face of fun and adorableness I was hooked!
She even has an adorable name! Pippa! Aww, so cute. I’d definitely go to a wedding with her. And come to think of it, I love wedding cake. It’s my favorite thing about weddings. I can’t wait until I get married. I’ve dreamed about the cake I’d have since I was a little boy.
Oh, yellow and almond cakes with ice cream cake frosting and butter cream frosting draped with fresh fruit – GET IN MY BELLY!
Man, I bet that Royal Wedding cake was delicious! And what’s that I spy on the menu? Brisket with Horseradish? Delectable!
This is too disappointing. This whole ordeal has maybe even ruined weddings for me. I was all about some Pippa, ya’ll. Pippa!
But now I find she’s brought a date? Some chump of a cricket player. What kind of sport is that? Call me when I’m done with my game of Madden. Loser.
I’m hurt guys. I mean, I just assumed she was going to the wedding without a date. It’s never fun for the date when you’re in the wedding.
What was Pippa even thinking? How inconsiderate. Maybe she’s not the fun, sweet, darling of a woman I thought.
Oh, who am I kidding? You had me at ‘ello, Pippa. You had me at ‘ello.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
So’s Your Face
I was just accused of being homophobic for laughing about how catty a man who happened to be gay was on an episode HGTV’s ”Bang for Your Buck.”
For one, that’s not exactly homophobic. He was being a baby.
Secondly, I’m obviously not homophobic - I’m watching HGTV’s “Bang for Your Buck.”
I Gotta Gotta Gotta Got My Girl Swag On
Remember that holocaust to the senses that Rebecca Black’s “Friday” was? Well there’s more where that came from! 12 year old girls across the country (okay, across Beverly Hills) with rich parents can cut a single thanks to the terrorist activity of Ark Music Factory.
And here’s my new favorite artist’s page:
http://arkmusicfactory.com/profile/MadisonBray
Please listen to “Girl Swag On.”
It should be stated that the girls shouldn’t be to blame. Yeah, they want this attention and “fame.” But kids are like that. The problem is that there are parents willing to put them through this and a company writing such awful, awful music.
Move over Ke$ha, Patrice Wilson is the new public enemy no. 1 of music.
That’s right, when it comes between Ke$ha and this fool’s music I’m gonna side with KE$HA! This jerk made me side with KE$HA!!
I do have to say, they make Insane Clown Posse sound like early Insane Clown Posse.
I’m a Daisy if You Do
In my act I made a joke once or twice about how I understand “actors sometimes do movies cause they need money, but how much money does Val Kilmer need exactly? He’s done 3 movies with 50 Cent.”
Here’s the thing, at the time I was only aware of one movie they were in together and was exaggerating for humor. So imagine my surprise when I find out they actually have made 3 movies together! Two were, not surprisingly, straight-to-video releases.
It’s like they heard my joke and decided to make it true. Or maybe things I say in jokes come true in some weird “Liar, Liar,” non-explicable sort of way!
Hmmm. Anne Hathaway and Rashida Jones are deeply in love with me and I’m gonna win 300 million dollars…I’m just kidding.
Now it’s bound to happen! Yay!
The reason I care about this is, for one thing, Val Kilmer was the first actor I said was my favorite. Real Genius is still my all-time favorite movie. Yeah, Christopher Nolan, I said it! I put Dark Knight in the same category that I put Real Genius in!
The other thing is that Val Kilmer went to the prestigious art school Julliard and at the time was the youngest student to be admitted into it’s drama department until a mighty mouse named Seth Numrich beat his placement scores. I told you I loved Real Genius.
Anyway, Julliard used to be prestigious, but considering one of their most famed graduates has now starred alongside 50 Cent in at least 3 films I have to think their image is a bit tarnished.
Virginia College is looking better and better every day.
I love Val Kilmer. I always will. I will watch these bound to be horrible movies. He might be the new B-movie Nicolas Cage, but he’s MY Nicolas Cage. I just can’t understand why he hasn’t done Psych yet.
On a related note, how messed up is it that Val Kilmer was in one of the best Pacino-DeNiro movies (Heat) and that 50 Cent (Val’s new “Pacino,” if you will) is in the WORST Pacino-DeNiro movie, Righteous Kill? Also, how messed up is it that 50 Cent was in a movie with DeNiro and Pacino??
Even more messed up…you made it through this entire blog despite not knowing who Val Kilmer even is. I know you’re a dear friend of mine and I love you.
I’m Hosting the Oscars Next Year!!!
With all the talk about the squabble between James Franco (Oscar Co-host) and Bruce Vilanch (long-time Oscar writer) I thought I’d mention why I hated this year’s telecast of the Oscars…in short, it blew.
I’m not blaming the hosts like everyone else. Haven’t we been around long enough to know that the hosts don’t produce these shows usually? Yeah, Niel Patrick Harris did when he hosted the Emmy’s, but if you read anything about this year’s Oscars you’d know Hathaway and Franco didn’t produce the show.
Are the people blaming the hosts the same people that think Conan and other talk show hosts are actually recording their shows at 11 or 11:30? I bet they’re the same people who think stand up comedians come up with their jokes right on the spot…even when they’ve heard the comic do the joke before.
They thought Bruce Willis really died at the end of Sixth Sense. Obviously, he died at the beginning when he was shot. They just revealed he was dead the whole time at the end of the movie. Maroons.
"Everybody say, 'Heeeeyyyy.'"
Anyway, I’m not blaming the hosts. The problem is everyone knows Hathaway (who is lovely and glamorous) and Franco (who is James Dean above-it-all cool) are good SNL hosts, but the producers forgot that the people involved with producing an episode of SNL bother to write a funny show.
But not these producers. They wanted to bore us to tears. While watching this my mind actually fastforwarded to years down the road when I’m married, all of my friends have kids and we’re just bored, domesticated and the only exciting thing going on for us is watching the Oscars.
That’s what this telecast did to me that night. I still love you, Anne Hathaway, but so help me if those producers get nominated for an Emmy for this.
You could tell they were trying to stay away from Ricky Gervais-like jokes insulting everyone, but instead insulted our own sense of what we consider entertainment.
Emmy producers, you succeeded at one thing that night. Making me wish I was doing anything other than looking at something with Anne Hathaway.
I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream
I drove by the only Baskin-Robbins recently and it looked closed.
So I investigated. No sign of the location on the BR website. Google said it was permanently closed. I heard it had closed. But that wasn’t enough…I had to find out for myself.
I had to call their number.
Hey, Girlfriend
A girl friend told me the other day that girls are auditory in how they process whether a guy is interested in them romantically or not.
Which explains why so many girls in the past mistakenly thought I liked them when I would just say, “Hey!! How are you? It’s good to see you.”
Yeah, you could think I like you given how I speak to girls, but you really should think I’m gay.
Just look at the stuff I say to girls on Facebook; “Your hair looks great!” ”You’re wearing that dress.” ”I want them shoes, gurl.”
But you really shouldn’t make assumptions.
How My Heart is Breaking This Week
I’m shocked.
Olivia Wilde Separates from Husband.
No. My heart is not breaking because I’m upset for them. Though, yeah; nice people – sad news, whatever. My thing is this…he is a prince! That means he literally treated her like a princess. She was a princess!
If this guy can’t hold onto her with that game what chance does anyone else have at making her happy?? Do you know how many ponies she probably had?
I don’t know how they met, but if it’s anything like Coming to America it was glorious. Do you think he had someone sing to her “she’s your queen to be” on their wedding day? I’m seriously doing that for my future bride. Cause she would be my queen. To be.
But as awesome as that would be it apparently won’t be enough.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.