Author: Jason

I am now convinced that it’s better to be single than it is to be in a relationship on Valentine’s day.

Think about it, if you’re single you may not have a romantic special someone, but that also means you don’t have anyone to let down by not doing enough to please them.

In truth, you have several special someones – friends. And the trend today is for single people to spend Valentine’s with their friends. They make a day of it!

Some friends of mine and I went to Waffle House. And it was great! No, seriously. This Waffle House was decked out for celebrating. They had table cloths, cloth napkins, a special menu. I was in a suit. It was so much fun.

And it’s become a tradition among these friends. Some of them are in relationships and they still opted to spend it with friends at Waffle House.

Do you know what this means? The power has shifted. Couples want to do what singles are doing on Valentine’s day now! They’re the ones who are jealous! They’re looking at us singles and saying, “I wish I was doing what they’re doing.” I saw one group of girls I know out and one of them has a boyfriend, but she still spent it with her girls!

So no more “Singles Awareness Day.” It’s all about being single on Valentine’s (or at least that’s what I’ll tell myself until a woman will agree to marry me).

We should claim that day as ours. What do couples have on love to claim it as their own? Nothin’! We can express the joy of love with celebration, too! And we’ll be better at it cause we’re never breaking up and if we do we’re always getting back together! (That would be a terrible Taylor Swift song – so it would fit right in with the rest of her music).

We’re going to have to start checking on our coupled up friends on Valentine’s Day to see if they’re alright and not wallowing in self-pity all day. “Oh, what’s that sweety? He didn’t send you flowers to your work? Yeah. And that made you sad because all the other girls at work got flowers but you didn’t and it makes you feel all alone? Ohhh, sweety, it’s okay. There, there.”

That’s not gonna happen among friends on Valentine’s Day. The worst that can happen is that we don’t get to buy discounted chocolate the day after Valentine’s. (SUCKERS! Both you for buying it full-priced AND the candy!)

See, a friend is who you need on Valentine’s Day. They’ll never let you down, because they don’t have to live up to a ridiculous standard made up by companies who want to commercialize the day to make money.

Friends are forever. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to make one of them your spouse, but if not you still have a Valentine’s buddy to spend it with.

No expectations. Nothing to live up to. Time of your life.

Which is also the new Waffle House slogan.

I don’t believe in ghosts.

But all those stories you hear people tell about ghost encounters are real.

So maybe the incidents were just done by people with the super power of invisibility.

THINK about it.

There’s some app on Facebook that if you read an article on their website it automatically posts that you read the article in Facebook feeds.

The problem is you look like a creep if you look at an article with a sketchy headline.

A real update I saw in my feed, “Fox News Reporter – Uncrossed Legs WOW”

If you click on that, you might not be sketchy, but now you’re publicly thought to be sketchy.  And I find this to be hilarious cause I’m not clicking on that mess.

I know what articles to avoid and you can, too!  Just be sure to stay away from headlines like these:

• “Cat Nip Slip” – Maybe you thought it was a feline related product you can get for your cat, but it’s actually something very unsuitable for work.
• “I think Chris Brown is Actually a Good Person.” – I get it. You just wanted to know what their bogus argument was. But at the end of the day he’s still a horrible, horrible person and now you look like a fan.
• “Woman Arrested for Violating Nudity Ban (Pictures)” – This one is kinda obvious, but you’re gonna click on it anyway.
• “Ways to Convince Your Friends You’re Not Desperate” – They’re all going to see this and know you’re desperate. PS, they already know so just click on it, anyway. They won’t be surprised. Live free!
• “Behind the Scenes of a Go Daddy Commercial” – You don’t need to know how they shoot these commercials. It’s exactly what you’d expect. They bring in Danica Patrick and make her sign something confusing that makes her forget she has standards and can actually say “No” to things. Then a guy with shifty eyes and a member’s only jacket turns a camera on and shouts out perverted things.  Then they shoot the commercial.

I was recently flipping through a magazine in the lobby of a doctor’s office when I came across this ad:
 

What in the world is that symbol and why??

Seriously? A sperm? What does that have to do with defying gravity or healthy footwear?

Granted, I’m sure they weren’t intending for their “swoosh” which for them I guess is a “skwoosh” or a “skweesh” or maybe “ewsh,” but they still got through several meetings before it ended up on any shoes.

How did that happen? How did not one person in that board meeting not look at the mock-ups of their shoe and say, “Uhh, Bob, that emblem looks an awful lot like a sperm. Maybe go with something else?”

How did that not happen?!? Did everyone who works there hate the owner of the company and they wanted him to look like a fool when he traveled around trying to entice investors?

“Hehehe, dude…did you see their emblem?” – non-investor #1
“No – OH MY GOSH IT’S A…” – non-investor #2
“Shh, shh, shh! Don’t tell him!” – non-investor #1

I just went to their website and saw that they changed the symbol. Bob finally figured it out, I guess. But I saw that there was a “clearance” section: On Clearance

They’ve been discontinued. Swoosh! Just like that, they’re gone.

I recently saw this ad for Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Death Mobile in a Taco or whatever it’s called:

Seriously? Give in? That’s they’re marketing strategy?

When someone says, “Give in” to something they’re referring to that temptation to go through with that bad idea you know you shouldn’t do but you want to for some dumb reason.

Taco Bell is equating this notion with eating their food.

Why not just say, “Hey folks, this will kill you, but you’re gonna die anyway so you might as well eat it, right?”

I don’t even think they fully understand the right way to use temptation. Staying out too late with friends despite having to get up early, “Hey, I can take a nap in the afternoon!” That’s when you should say, “give in.”
When it comes to eating food for sustenance it shouldn’t be something you have to “give in” to get you to eat it. This isn’t Bizarre Foods. We’re not all as crazy as Andrew Zimmern.

Here are things you give in to:

1. Buying two pints of ice cream because they’re half off
2. Watching Definitely, Maybe (it’s surprisingly enjoyable ya’ll)
3. Eating the rest of the package of Oreo cookies
4. Singing along to “Call Me Maybe”
5. Dancing along to “Call Me Maybe”
6. Crying at the end of Rudy and not caring who sees it
7. Watching the rest of House Hunters International to see which house they choose (the 3rd one!)
8. Following Kanye West on Twitter
9. Whipping your hair back and forth
10. The Dark Side

All valid reasons for giving in. Eating a Doritos Locos Taco? NO. But mainly because it just doesn’t meet your expectations. I had one. It’s really not that good. They really should get a Cool Ranch flavor. Now that would be good!

Many of you non-music nerds may not realize that the musician Prince (aka The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, aka The Artist, aka Christopher, aka Jamie Starr, aka Alexander Nevermind, aka Joey Coco, aka That Symbol Thing Prince Made Up) has had many proteges in his time.

Stars like:
Apollonia
Sheena Easton
Sheila E
Vanity
Carmen Electra

But what you DON’T know is that he had plenty of other stage names in the hat of random words that he evidently used to come up with names for his new proteges.

Names like:
Peestick Wilson
Jabber Philonius
Blueberry Peach 1-37 (they couldn’t decide whether to pronounce this 1 minus 37 or 1 through 37)
Demeterus Rye
Cosmotalia (this one was for a dude)
Zirconia and Ceramic

There you have it, reader. You don’t come up with terrible stage names without having to go through other terrible stage names. Now if you would excuse me, I have to go feel the funk.