No Amount of Alcohol Can Take the Blame For This

It looks like Ron Howard’s new movie “Angels and Demons,” a prequel to the extremely controversial “The Da Vinci Code,” is already causing a stir of its own.  Almost guaranteeing that the movie will be a hit.  Isn’t that how it always works?

Catholic leaders claim the movie spreads lies about the church so now he is defending the movie.  But what he really needs to defend is his part in this:

Three things about this will never be understood.

  1. Why did anyone involved with this video think to ask Ron Howard to be in it?
  2. Why did Ron Howard say yes to being in it?
  3. Why is Jake Gyllenhaal driving?  Cause he’s the one member of this crew without an Oscar?  Is the economy really that bad that he needs to take a job as Jamie Foxx’s driver no matter how ridiculous the entourage?

You See Where This is Going

The surviving members of legendary jam band Grateful Dead are getting together for a tour.  And because of band member Phil Tesh’s involvement with President Obama’s presidential campaign the president is being credited for putting them back on the road.
Just what he needs, more of a connection with liberal hippies.  I think he’s gonna accomplish a lot but let’s not give him credit on this one.


A robbery was thwarted at a Quik Thrift store in Georgia when a man, known only as “Caveman,” hit the robber with a ladder and chased him out of the store.
Wow.  Stopping crimes.  So easy a caveman can do it.


A driving instructor in Massachusetts will lose his drivers license for a year for being drunk while giving someone a driving lesson.
Now anyone who has ever driven behind Lindsay Lohan actually knows where she learned to drive.


A man in Delaware was arrested for breaking into a house and stealing $82 worth of chicken wings and Hot Pockets.
His sentence: Eating $82 worth of chicken wings and Hot Pockets.
The real question is, whose house did he break into?  Reginald Perry’s?  Kirstie Alley’s?  Seriously, who has $82 worth of chicken wings and Hot Pockets?


And finally, a Los Angeles man on a flight to Honolulu was arrested for urinating on a woman while she was watching the in-flight movie.
Though traumatized by the event, the woman says it was more pleasant than the in-flight movie – The Love Guru.

The Distant Future/The Year 2000

An NYU student conducted an art experiment involving a tiny robot to see how people would react.  You can read about it here:

This experiment proves that people will help you…if you are adorable.  Let’s face it, we see people who need help on the street all the time, but do we help them?  NO.
Did you notice that they weren’t adorable?  Yeeaaahhh, you’re right, they weren‘t adorable.  They smelled bad and were crabby too.

I’m not surprised college kids helped the little fella out.  After all, they’re used to technology and love it.  They embrace it.  But send that robot to a nursing home and you’ll see a different if not deranged reaction.

It’s common knowledge that the elderly think robots are out to get them, right?

Hopelessly Bromantic

I recently decided to take a look at my recent cell phone activity.  I’m considering changing networks and wanted to know who I speak to the most to aid me in determining what network to go with.  Can’t beat those mobile-to-mobile benefits.

Turns out that the two people I talk to the most, who are both on the same network but not the same as mine, are my girlfriend and my best friend, Clay.

Initially, this was good news.  I can just go with that network.  But after looking a little closer at the amount of minutes spent on the two of them side-by-side I see that I talk to my best friend on the phone a lot more than I talk to my girlfriend.

In some ways there’s a 2-1 difference!

For instance, during the month of March I spent 330 minutes of my time on my bf (which, at least for now, will stand for “best friend”).  Not even half of that was spent on my girlfriend, only 151 minutes.
The longest phone call was for 28 minutes and it was with Clay (not like Clay Aiken).  The longest phone call I had with my girlfriend was 14 minutes.  Half that of the longest call I had with my “friend!”

For the month of February I spent only 100 minutes more on my cell with my bff than with my girlfriend.

It’s not always so lopsided in Clay’s favor though.  When it comes to amount of calls Clay only outpaces her by a few.  46-43 for February.  That’s still not great though!  Despite having so many phone calls with my girlfriend we spend very little time on each call.  We must hate talking to each other.  Or she’s screening my phone calls.  Maybe I can just assume it’s because she’d rather see me than talk to me.  Nah.  She hates the sound of my voice.

So I guess I’m dating my friend?  Judging by how much time we spend on the phone we must be!  Wait, he hasn’t returned my calls the last few days.  Nor has he responded to text messages or emails.

Oh no.  He’s breaking up with me!

Fathers Be Good to Your Daughters

I just came across this video…

That kid is adorable.  Her “John Mayer Face” is perfect.  It’s a better impression than Justin Timberlake’s or mine!  I really hope she gets into playing guitar and never ceases.  She’d be a guitar god.

The only downer is, 16 years from now – after years of following in his footsteps – John Mayer will invite her backstage and steal all her innocence.

Oh, he’s waiting.  He’s waiting.

Fathers be good to your daughters…and keep them away from John Mayer.

Actually, I love John Mayer and his music.  These are just jokes.

How I Met Your Food – er – My Food

If you’re anything like me you’re awesome.

That really sounds like something Barney Stinson should say on How I Met Your Mother. I’m gonna try to float it to their writers.

But if you really are anything like me then you can be easily swayed by pictures of food. What I mean is, if I see someone eating a club sandwich on an episode of The West Wing then I will want a club sandwich. And there was so much talk, and more importantly so many pictures of, hot wings around the Super Bowl that I craved them for weeks.

Now I’m craving a delicious chicken pot pie because I just saw an article about good chicken recipes. Food is at every turn. I can’t escape it. This cruel, gluttonous world is the very reason I had to ban the Food Network. It’s pretty bad when I watch Everyday Italian and I’m more mesmerized by the food than Giada De Laurentis.

You know, now I sound more like Marshall than Barney.

Oh, I Got Jokes reported this week that director Michael Mayer is adapting a musical for the Green Day album American Idiot then asked what albums others would like to see made into a musical.  I’d like to see the Pussycat Dolls convert any of their albums into musicals.
What?  I said I’d like to see it, not hear it.


Madonna has come under fire recently for her attempts at adopting a second child from Malawi.  Critics are saying she’s being a “bully” and is using her “money and status to manipulate.”
I say I’m tired of hearing about Guy Ritchie and Madonna’s marriage.


A man in Michigan allegedly had his pants set on fire and a teen is to blame for the incident.  At his arraignment the teen defended himself by saying, “Clearly he’s lying.”
If only Johnnie Cochran were still alive to defend this kid.  “If his pants are on fire, he must be a liar.”


Police in Salt Lake City say that a customer fired shots into a McDonald’s Drive Thru window after being told by a worker that they weren’t serving lunch yet.
Wow.  Rosie O’Donnell must really love her McRib.
Ya know, this is just more proof that eating at McDonald’s can kill.  But for serious, those McGriddle’s are to die for.

They’re Fake and Not So Spectacular

The AP is reporting that last September a woman in Huntington Beach, CA opened a line of credit in someone else’s name with a fake ID all to get breast implants and liposuction.  Then she skipped town.

She turned herself in to police on Tuesday and posted bail.  Then hopped right back on the Rock of Love Bus.

How My Heart is Breaking This Week

Oh, Winnie Cooper from TV’s The Wonder Years.  You were the perfect cast.  You had to exemplify every girl an adolescent boy ever swooned over and you did it with such ease.  We all thought we had a chance with you.

And last week we all felt what Kevin felt that time he saw you kissing another guy at the summer resort when…you got married.  I mean the real you, not Winnie.  I mean Danica McKellar.  You grew up to be a math wiz and your beauty equaled that of your brains.

We all saw how The Wonder Years ended but secretly hoped we, unlike Kevin, would end up with the girl.  But it would never be.  You’re married now, but I still can’t help but look back on old times…with wonder.

And that is How My Heart is Breaking This Week.