Missed America

The new Miss America is Indian-American. And people are having a conniption fit over it.

For one, many people on Twitter think that being Indian means you’re Arab. Which is illogical. Those are two different…just…it’s illogical. Secondly, they think “Arab” is synonymous with “terrorist.” Which is also stupid. And terrible.

What they are complaining about is that she is “Not American,” despite having lived here her whole life. So if you’re a different kind of brown, don’t expect racists to want you to do anything with “America” in the title. You’re just not the right kind of brown for them.

Therefore, to make all of them happy (some of them seem dangerously crazy), we should have a rule saying only people whose ancestors were born in this land should be allowed to be Miss America.

So only Native American Indians can be Miss America from here on out! No more black people can be Miss America. Your ancestors were brought over here. And no more white people can be – maybe shoot for Miss Britain or Miss Canada or wherever white people are from. And more more…hmm, I don’t think there have been any other races represented in Miss America. Sorry Asians. You never got to do and never will you!

That pretty much should cover it.

Or. If you want to be a healthy, mature adult you can stop treating people poorly. Which includes not making women parade around in bikinis and judging them based on your stringent standards that most people can’t live up to.

Please Retweet

This guy stole a joke of mine. Word-for-word. (And as you can see in the time stamp, mine came first)

Lost Can You Find HimTHIEF

I’ve heard comedians talk about this a lot lately and now that I’ve had a joke stolen from me I can say that they are definitely talking about it way too much.

I write a twitter joke Monday through Saturday (Sunday’s my day of rest). I don’t care if some random dude steals one of them. I’ve got another one coming tomorrow. And then another the day after that. What do I care if this guy who isn’t gonna make a dime off of it steals it? I don’t. It’s actually funny.

Though, I still say Patton Oswalt should go berserker on him. Hey, hey’s the king of standing up against IP theft. He’ll have my back right? (No. He actually probably didn’t get my tweet asking for him to release the Kraken. Then that guy stole that tweet. Just kidding.)

Nonetheless, it happened. And I honestly just laughed it off at first cause I didn’t care.

But then I saw that he has more followers than I do. And he’s even one of my followers! What the wha!?

You can steal from me if you don’t have as many followers, but if you have 80 more then you best check yo’self! Also, I’m buying ALL the Twinkies so this guy can’t have any!

The Snews

Everyone, be it your friends on Facebook or news organizations, are still talking about Miley Cyrus’ “performance” on the VMAs Sunday night.

On and on they go with this topic. But there are far more important topics going on right now. You wouldn’t know it because they’re all too busy being appalled at Miley and her tongue.

Why are they wasting so much time on this silly, frivolous, insignificant story when there are so many serious issues going on in the world? There are so many questions that need to be answered!

Like, for instance, “What Did Taylor Swift Say about Harry Styles?” “Why is Ben Affleck Batman?” and most importantly, “Just what in the hell is twerking?”

Your mom keeps asking. You don’t know the answer. What IS it?

Whenever I see some Miley clip that references her twerking I just see the same limp version of booty dancing. So what is twerking?

I am still too taken aback by the fact that it sounds like “tweaking” so it makes me think drugs are involved. I went to You Tube to find out what twerking is. It basically is just booty dancing. The dance is older than the moniker, “twerking,” it seems.

Why change the name? I guess because, “booty dancing” just doesn’t sound classy enough.

But the difference between the terms “booty dancing” and “twerking” as well as the differences between how the dances are technically done are pretty slim. Both are pretty much accomplishing the same thing. There’s just not much difference. So little difference it’s hard to see the line between them.

Blurred lines.

This is the Reason “Amazeballs” is a Word

My friend Rob knows me too well. He emailed me a link to a music video because he knew, probably immediately, that I would love it because we are the real life JD and Turk. Sean and Gus, if you will.

Behold – The East Coast Family!

It’s amazing, no? The first bit is your typical East Coast Family, stuff. We’ve seen ABC before. Nothing shocking there.

<:54 in>But once the poor man’s Ralph Tresvant showed up I was pretty bought in.

<1:01 in> I’m definitely all-in, guys. Hayden exists.  Who knew Andy Richter could sing and was once a part of Michael Bivins posse?!?

That’s only the second best part for me, though.

<1:12 in> Who came next is probably my favorite thing to happen ever. Sorry, Bill Murray, but seeing you in Ghostbusters is no longer the greatest thing to happen to me. Whytgize, guys. Whytgize. They are amazing. AMAZING. They all look like they could be Alan Thicke’s son, even more than Robin Thicke does.

Little known fact, Conan O’Brien auditioned for the group and didn’t get in BECAUSE HE WASN’T WHITE ENOUGH!

I could have watched that video 10 times in the amount of time I watched and re-watched just Hayden and Whytgize. I just had to keep watching it to confirm that it was real and I was not dream. (THIS IS THE UN-EMBELLISHED TRUTH) I was mesmerized.
I’m pretty sure they are singing, “I can’t feel what’s going on.” If they aren’t then they should haven been. Dudes had no clue what was going on.
What do you think got them the gig? “So you guys can sing. How about I put you in a position you are not at all comfortable with? Singing R&B over a New Jack Swing beat? It’s a deal! You’ll never be heard from again!!”
Somewhere in America these guys (I mean, gize) meet up once year and harmonize together to remember their shared dream of becoming famous singers and to forget the fact that they’re now all high school geometry teachers.

<1:58> Just so you know, MC “Brains,” you are not the “3rd in line,” as you say. You showed up 2 minutes into a 4 minute video and after half the label appeared. You show up 100 people deep. You show up after Khalil and nobody knows who that even is. That name just flashes on the screen without really identifying anyone. But yeah, you’re the 3rd in line. It’s okay. You don’t have to be quick on the uptake, it’s not like your nickname is brains or – wait a minute!

<2:08> Little known fact, Tamrock had to do several takes of this because she kept getting hit in the head with that swinging light. Why was swinging lights in the background such a thing in 90’s music videos?

Music Executive: “We’ve got to make this video look hip and happening! Like something’s going on!”
Music Video Director: “We’ll just swing a light bulb.”
Music Exec: “PERFECT!”

Who cares about the remainder of the video? Nothing else exciting happens –

<2:17> HOLY CRAP does that “Big Ant” guy have A RAT TAIL? Why does a dude with a high top fade have a rat tail!?

<2:22> WHAT THE WHA – IS THAT YVETTE NICOLE BROWN? Great Zeus’ beard it is!! She shouldn’t be around the likes of MC Brains.

Anyway. Just a regular 90’s video now. Just an entire label’s catalog of artists sitting around a table with ONE cigar on it. <2:49> Why is there just one cigar on that table!? There are kids present, put that mess out!

<2:51> Oh, wait, a guy who can play piano. That’s nice. Bivins must have said, “Hey, yo, we can’t just have rappers and R&B singers on this label. We need a musician. How about that kid over there noodling on the piano? What’s his name? Richard? Nah, he’s Rico now. Just sign him. Welp, it’s 6 o’clock on my Swatch watch. I have to get going. Oh, nothing, just a date. But, I can’t be late. Hey! The girl is gonna do me.”

<3:12> No, Lady V, I literally don’t know what’s up with you. Because I’ve never heard of you before in my life. Care to elaborate?

<3:23> Wait a second…why is this 8 year old sitting in for Michael Bivins (other than for being the same height)? Even Bivins didn’t want to waste his time with this over-indulgent music video? It’s his own glory project and he’s not bothering to show up? Was it 6 o’clock or something?
Guys, I can’t stress enough how important it is that Michael Bivins not be late!

And another thing, how is he not late AT 6 o’clock? In “Do Me” he says, “It’s 6 o’clock” then goes on to say he can’t be late. If he won’t be late even if he leaves at 6 that must mean his plans weren’t set for 6, but for shortly after 6. Why does Michael Bivins keep setting appointments for just after 6?!

<3:30> Ohhhh nooo. Poor Boyz II Men. They had to be involved with this. They’re already carrying the company on their shoulder, now you’re making them show up for this? Creatively the strongest part of the song by far (though one could make a strong argument for 1010). But still sad.

Well, that was enlightening. I don’t know how I missed this video in the 90’s because I thought I was familiar with the East Coast Family.

I’m glad my friend sent it to me because now I know what I will make my groomsmen wear at my wedding. Black high tops with white socks, black shorts and black shirts and hats that say, “East Coast Family” on them in those big bubbly 90’s font letters. That place in the mall did their best business ever the day Biv 10 Records called that order in.

But seriously, guys – Whytgize.

Alright, well I guess I’ll go re-watch the video from the 1:02 to 1:22 time period again before I go to my dental appointment.

How My Heart is Breaking This Week

This one took me a couple of weeks. It was too hard for me to talk about.

Victoria’s Secret model Behati Prinsloo is engaged…to Adam Levine.


Why, Adam? Why?

Wait. Did you think I was meaning the Victoria Secret model? I mean, she’s fine and all. But not even she is as beautiful as Adam Levine. I wanted him to teach me his secrets. How is he so talented? How is he so cool? How is he so in shape? How does he grow a beard so fast? Dang, son!

So I’m broken up about it. Married guys can’t have new guy friends who take all their time. I thought maybe we could bro out. He could teach me how to sing. I’d ask him all the questions I want to ask every SNL host. He could teach me how to play “Sunday Morning.” It would have been perfect!

But alas, it was never meant to be. We were not meant to be brosephs. And that is how my heart is broken this week.

Stupid People, Am I Right?

So, American singer of Latin decent, Marc Anthony, sang “God Bless America” at the MLB All-Star game the other night.

Morons were up in arms. They thought it was inappropriate, un-American, and ridiculous for a Hispanic man (they all called him Mexican) to sing such a song.

Never mind the fact that even if he was Mexican it would actually be a nice thing for him to sing “God Bless America” because it would mean someone from another country was showing us honor and respect; it’s abundantly racist (or at least xenophobic) to be up in arms about it.

Like this moron named Chance Jones.


His profile pic makes him look pretty dopey. “Oh shucks, this girl is taking a picture with me. Guh. I just don’t know what to do with muh-self.”

This is probably the closest he’s even been to any woman he’s not related to.

Though, there is a good chance this is a cousin. Which would explain why she agreed to the picture. She has to make nice.

It may also explain how uncomfortable she is with his hand placement. Her other hand nearby as if to keep his at bay.

Aside from sadness, I see fear in her eyes.

So why am I giving him such a hard time? Cause he said this specifically:




Clearly, he’s a bright one. So bright that he either didn’t bother to find out anything about Marc Anthony before commenting, like that Anthony is of Puerto Rican decent and was born and raised in NYC; or he doesn’t know the proper use of his racial slurs. At the end of the day, bona fide moron.

When the internet firestorm happened his response was, “First amendment…” and “Freedom of speech.”

You know, he does have a First Amendment right of freedom of speech. He has that as an American. Which I assume he is, otherwise, why say anything? Oh, right, he’s stupid.

If you’re going to bring up being American, you might want to actually know about America.

New York City. That’s in America. Marc Anthony’s parents are from Puerto Rico. That’s a U.S. territory. So even if he was from Puerto Rico it wouldn’t be random, in bad taste, or un-American for him to sing “God Bless America.”

You know what’s un-American? Not knowing anything about America. Idiot.

Listen, he’s not the only one to complain about this. But he is the one who got the raci-ist.

He’s also the only one to keep his Twitter up. Everyone else deleted theirs in shame. Shame, much like brains, is something Chance Jones doesn’t have any of.

Brainpower Improving

According to a new study brainpower in people in their 90’s is improving. Great news for people who want to hear more details about that one story grandpa tells them every Thanksgiving.

It’s also good news for people in their 90’s because they will remember exactly which nurse it is who’s stealing from them.

So be happy people getting up there in age! You’ll be able to witness the decline of your nation with better clarity thanks to having more distinct memories of the good ol’ days you miss so dearly.


Let’s Catfish the MTV show “Catfish.”

We can fake a Catfish story so I can be adorable on TV and spin it into work for myself JUST LIKE NEV DID!

Here’s what we’ll do! We as a group will be part of a fake account. We’ll all add them so it looks like they have 2,000 friends. So it will look real and not obviously fake. How do people get duped when someone has 20 friends and most are of dude’s saying, “Thanks for the add, you’re so hawt?” Seems obvious, right?

Anyway, we’ll make a GOOD fake. That way when I strike a “relationship” with them (double meaning in those quotes. one to say I know it’s not real and another to say are online relationships ever real?) it won’t make me look stupid.

Have you seen this show? Everyone looks stupid. Listen, everyone’s been Catfished. Even adorable Nev. I’ve been Catfished, George Clooney has been catfished. Everyone! Even you. Ever forwarded an email or posted a status about some terrible thing they say is happening just to find out Snopes.com debunked it? CATFISHED.
But the people on this show are gullible as crap. One girl proposed to a guy she hadn’t even met. Are you kidding me??

Anyway, I’m gonna look like it makes sense to have fallen for it. They’ll have to be living out of the country, for one, and they Skype with me. That way, I’m seeing a face that matches the pictures. Which means we’ll have to cast some model, but that won’t be a big problem.

This can work, guys!

Wait. Why are we doing this again? I for some reason am having a hard time figuring out why anyone would fake being someone to others.

Oh, right, I remember…just cause I thought it’d be funny to catfish a tv show called Catfish which is about people catfishing people. Too meta, maybe.

One Month of No

Aren’t we all getting bogged down with all the stuff we “have to do?” I know I am. It’s all too much. You have a wedding to go to, a friend’s show, a friend’s shower, a friend’s birthday, a friend’s theme party (which take all the fun out of parties and exchanges it with buying clothes you’ll wear once just so you can avoid hearing for one night, “Why didn’t you dress up, loser?”) Enough! No more.

Let’s just have one month where we don’t have to do anything. Let’s take a month where we don’t invite anybody to your shows, your weddings (good luck, Summer months), your pet turtle’s Great Gatsby themed birthday party. It’s fun, but it’s worn us out. Let’s have just a chill month.

The best part of my month is the beginning when I take my dry erase calendar, erase everything and write in the new month. It’s the best part because it’s (mostly) blank. But within a couple days it will be filled up entirely.

I won’t to get to the 15th of the month and not see one thing listed.

Let’s just hang out on the couch and watch Real Genius or Ghostbusters. Do something that simply feels like a relaxing night out. So don’t start to stress about what to need to bring. Bring yourself so we can be, you know, friends who are just chillin’.

We’ll see the Joneses next month. Right now it’s you, me, and a tub of ice cream. It’s summer, guys. Let’s not make it “One Crazy Summer” about a ragtag of misfits who have to stress out over saving their whatever it was they were trying to save or do. Let’s not even watch that movie cause it’ll just stress me out. We’re gonna hang and bask in the glow of relaxation.

Join me.

The Only Game I got is X-Box

I have the “best” idea to woo women I’m interested in.

Be abundantly honest and talk like you are on a middle school level!

Brilliant! I know!

“I have a huuuge crush on you. You like how many U’s I used? It was for emphasis.”
“You’re really pretty and it makes me feel soft inside my stomach! Can I take you bowling?”
“I’m gonna ‘like’ a deep Facebook pic of yours just to send the message that I was looking at all of your Facebook pics last night.”
“You’re like Krispy Kreme donuts…too sweet!”
“I’d treat you like a Coldplay song.”
“Remember that time I said I’d treat you like a Coldplay song? I was talking about ‘Sparks.’ I meant it.”

I’m never gonna do this, but sometimes I just want to. Because it’s more honest and to the point than the nonsense I do say. Nonsense like, “Hey, I think you’re really sweet. I would like to go to dinner with me sometime, may I?”
Yeah, it seems nice and normal, but it never works. Girls aren’t used to a guy being nice and normal so they have no clue how to respond to it.

How do girls respond to it?

I don’t know. They haven’t returned my phone calls.

So I’m taking a different approach. The one where I try to verbalize how they’re cute little dimples make me feel when I blush and get all bashful.

I won’t ever try this. I’m going back to just asking simple questions.

Check yes or no.