This is the Reason “Amazeballs” is a Word

My friend Rob knows me too well. He emailed me a link to a music video because he knew, probably immediately, that I would love it because we are the real life JD and Turk. Sean and Gus, if you will.

Behold – The East Coast Family!

It’s amazing, no? The first bit is your typical East Coast Family, stuff. We’ve seen ABC before. Nothing shocking there.

<:54 in>But once the poor man’s Ralph Tresvant showed up I was pretty bought in.

<1:01 in> I’m definitely all-in, guys. Hayden exists.  Who knew Andy Richter could sing and was once a part of Michael Bivins posse?!?

That’s only the second best part for me, though.

<1:12 in> Who came next is probably my favorite thing to happen ever. Sorry, Bill Murray, but seeing you in Ghostbusters is no longer the greatest thing to happen to me. Whytgize, guys. Whytgize. They are amazing. AMAZING. They all look like they could be Alan Thicke’s son, even more than Robin Thicke does.

Little known fact, Conan O’Brien auditioned for the group and didn’t get in BECAUSE HE WASN’T WHITE ENOUGH!

I could have watched that video 10 times in the amount of time I watched and re-watched just Hayden and Whytgize. I just had to keep watching it to confirm that it was real and I was not dream. (THIS IS THE UN-EMBELLISHED TRUTH) I was mesmerized.
I’m pretty sure they are singing, “I can’t feel what’s going on.” If they aren’t then they should haven been. Dudes had no clue what was going on.
What do you think got them the gig? “So you guys can sing. How about I put you in a position you are not at all comfortable with? Singing R&B over a New Jack Swing beat? It’s a deal! You’ll never be heard from again!!”
Somewhere in America these guys (I mean, gize) meet up once year and harmonize together to remember their shared dream of becoming famous singers and to forget the fact that they’re now all high school geometry teachers.

<1:58> Just so you know, MC “Brains,” you are not the “3rd in line,” as you say. You showed up 2 minutes into a 4 minute video and after half the label appeared. You show up 100 people deep. You show up after Khalil and nobody knows who that even is. That name just flashes on the screen without really identifying anyone. But yeah, you’re the 3rd in line. It’s okay. You don’t have to be quick on the uptake, it’s not like your nickname is brains or – wait a minute!

<2:08> Little known fact, Tamrock had to do several takes of this because she kept getting hit in the head with that swinging light. Why was swinging lights in the background such a thing in 90’s music videos?

Music Executive: “We’ve got to make this video look hip and happening! Like something’s going on!”
Music Video Director: “We’ll just swing a light bulb.”
Music Exec: “PERFECT!”

Who cares about the remainder of the video? Nothing else exciting happens –

<2:17> HOLY CRAP does that “Big Ant” guy have A RAT TAIL? Why does a dude with a high top fade have a rat tail!?

<2:22> WHAT THE WHA – IS THAT YVETTE NICOLE BROWN? Great Zeus’ beard it is!! She shouldn’t be around the likes of MC Brains.

Anyway. Just a regular 90’s video now. Just an entire label’s catalog of artists sitting around a table with ONE cigar on it. <2:49> Why is there just one cigar on that table!? There are kids present, put that mess out!

<2:51> Oh, wait, a guy who can play piano. That’s nice. Bivins must have said, “Hey, yo, we can’t just have rappers and R&B singers on this label. We need a musician. How about that kid over there noodling on the piano? What’s his name? Richard? Nah, he’s Rico now. Just sign him. Welp, it’s 6 o’clock on my Swatch watch. I have to get going. Oh, nothing, just a date. But, I can’t be late. Hey! The girl is gonna do me.”

<3:12> No, Lady V, I literally don’t know what’s up with you. Because I’ve never heard of you before in my life. Care to elaborate?

<3:23> Wait a second…why is this 8 year old sitting in for Michael Bivins (other than for being the same height)? Even Bivins didn’t want to waste his time with this over-indulgent music video? It’s his own glory project and he’s not bothering to show up? Was it 6 o’clock or something?
Guys, I can’t stress enough how important it is that Michael Bivins not be late!

And another thing, how is he not late AT 6 o’clock? In “Do Me” he says, “It’s 6 o’clock” then goes on to say he can’t be late. If he won’t be late even if he leaves at 6 that must mean his plans weren’t set for 6, but for shortly after 6. Why does Michael Bivins keep setting appointments for just after 6?!

<3:30> Ohhhh nooo. Poor Boyz II Men. They had to be involved with this. They’re already carrying the company on their shoulder, now you’re making them show up for this? Creatively the strongest part of the song by far (though one could make a strong argument for 1010). But still sad.

Well, that was enlightening. I don’t know how I missed this video in the 90’s because I thought I was familiar with the East Coast Family.

I’m glad my friend sent it to me because now I know what I will make my groomsmen wear at my wedding. Black high tops with white socks, black shorts and black shirts and hats that say, “East Coast Family” on them in those big bubbly 90’s font letters. That place in the mall did their best business ever the day Biv 10 Records called that order in.

But seriously, guys – Whytgize.

Alright, well I guess I’ll go re-watch the video from the 1:02 to 1:22 time period again before I go to my dental appointment.