How My Heart is Breaking This Week

This one took me a couple of weeks. It was too hard for me to talk about.

Victoria’s Secret model Behati Prinsloo is engaged…to Adam Levine.

Why, Adam? Why?

Wait. Did you think I was meaning the Victoria Secret model? I mean, she’s fine and all. But not even she is as beautiful as Adam Levine. I wanted him to teach me his secrets. How is he so talented? How is he so cool? How is he so in shape? How does he grow a beard so fast? Dang, son!

So I’m broken up about it. Married guys can’t have new guy friends who take all their time. I thought maybe we could bro out. He could teach me how to sing. I’d ask him all the questions I want to ask every SNL host. He could teach me how to play “Sunday Morning.” It would have been perfect!

But alas, it was never meant to be. We were not meant to be brosephs. And that is how my heart is broken this week.

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