Month: July 2013

So, American singer of Latin decent, Marc Anthony, sang “God Bless America” at the MLB All-Star game the other night.

Morons were up in arms. They thought it was inappropriate, un-American, and ridiculous for a Hispanic man (they all called him Mexican) to sing such a song.

Never mind the fact that even if he was Mexican it would actually be a nice thing for him to sing “God Bless America” because it would mean someone from another country was showing us honor and respect; it’s abundantly racist (or at least xenophobic) to be up in arms about it.

Like this moron named Chance Jones.

His profile pic makes him look pretty dopey. “Oh shucks, this girl is taking a picture with me. Guh. I just don’t know what to do with muh-self.”

This is probably the closest he’s even been to any woman he’s not related to.

Though, there is a good chance this is a cousin. Which would explain why she agreed to the picture. She has to make nice.

It may also explain how uncomfortable she is with his hand placement. Her other hand nearby as if to keep his at bay.

Aside from sadness, I see fear in her eyes.

So why am I giving him such a hard time? Cause he said this specifically:

 

 

Clearly, he’s a bright one. So bright that he either didn’t bother to find out anything about Marc Anthony before commenting, like that Anthony is of Puerto Rican decent and was born and raised in NYC; or he doesn’t know the proper use of his racial slurs. At the end of the day, bona fide moron.

When the internet firestorm happened his response was, “First amendment…” and “Freedom of speech.”

You know, he does have a First Amendment right of freedom of speech. He has that as an American. Which I assume he is, otherwise, why say anything? Oh, right, he’s stupid.

If you’re going to bring up being American, you might want to actually know about America.

New York City. That’s in America. Marc Anthony’s parents are from Puerto Rico. That’s a U.S. territory. So even if he was from Puerto Rico it wouldn’t be random, in bad taste, or un-American for him to sing “God Bless America.”

You know what’s un-American? Not knowing anything about America. Idiot.

Listen, he’s not the only one to complain about this. But he is the one who got the raci-ist.

He’s also the only one to keep his Twitter up. Everyone else deleted theirs in shame. Shame, much like brains, is something Chance Jones doesn’t have any of.

Aren’t we all getting bogged down with all the stuff we “have to do?” I know I am. It’s all too much. You have a wedding to go to, a friend’s show, a friend’s shower, a friend’s birthday, a friend’s theme party (which take all the fun out of parties and exchanges it with buying clothes you’ll wear once just so you can avoid hearing for one night, “Why didn’t you dress up, loser?”) Enough! No more.

Let’s just have one month where we don’t have to do anything. Let’s take a month where we don’t invite anybody to your shows, your weddings (good luck, Summer months), your pet turtle’s Great Gatsby themed birthday party. It’s fun, but it’s worn us out. Let’s have just a chill month.

The best part of my month is the beginning when I take my dry erase calendar, erase everything and write in the new month. It’s the best part because it’s (mostly) blank. But within a couple days it will be filled up entirely.

I won’t to get to the 15th of the month and not see one thing listed.

Let’s just hang out on the couch and watch Real Genius or Ghostbusters. Do something that simply feels like a relaxing night out. So don’t start to stress about what to need to bring. Bring yourself so we can be, you know, friends who are just chillin’.

We’ll see the Joneses next month. Right now it’s you, me, and a tub of ice cream. It’s summer, guys. Let’s not make it “One Crazy Summer” about a ragtag of misfits who have to stress out over saving their whatever it was they were trying to save or do. Let’s not even watch that movie cause it’ll just stress me out. We’re gonna hang and bask in the glow of relaxation.

Join me.

I have the “best” idea to woo women I’m interested in.

Be abundantly honest and talk like you are on a middle school level!

Brilliant! I know!

“I have a huuuge crush on you. You like how many U’s I used? It was for emphasis.”
“You’re really pretty and it makes me feel soft inside my stomach! Can I take you bowling?”
“I’m gonna ‘like’ a deep Facebook pic of yours just to send the message that I was looking at all of your Facebook pics last night.”
“You’re like Krispy Kreme donuts…too sweet!”
“I’d treat you like a Coldplay song.”
“Remember that time I said I’d treat you like a Coldplay song? I was talking about ‘Sparks.’ I meant it.”

I’m never gonna do this, but sometimes I just want to. Because it’s more honest and to the point than the nonsense I do say. Nonsense like, “Hey, I think you’re really sweet. I would like to go to dinner with me sometime, may I?”
Yeah, it seems nice and normal, but it never works. Girls aren’t used to a guy being nice and normal so they have no clue how to respond to it.

How do girls respond to it?

I don’t know. They haven’t returned my phone calls.

So I’m taking a different approach. The one where I try to verbalize how they’re cute little dimples make me feel when I blush and get all bashful.

I won’t ever try this. I’m going back to just asking simple questions.

Check yes or no.