Month: May 2013

I think regular, everyday, broke people should put together a telethon to raise money from celebrities.

Seriously, why are movie stars always asking us for money in commercials and telethons?  They’re the ones with all the loot. A whole lot more than we have.

Sure, they donate a lot of money, too, but think about how much money we’ve given them in the form of movie tickets over the years. And they’re gonna ask us for more money just to get to talk to them for 20 seconds?

After all the money Hollywood has bilked from us to see their movies it’s high time they repay us! Especially after that last Transformers movie.

I want to see a telethon for us. The celebrities could call in and talk to “Sarah,” one of the many volunteers of everyday folk, and just tell them about our day.

George Clooney: “Hey, how are you, Sarah? How was your day?”
Sarah: “Well, I had to wake up real early at 4am to get the kids ready for school before I went to physical therapy to learn to use my knee again after this horrible car wreck I was in about 4 months ago.”
Clooney: “Oh. Um. How many kids do you have, how old are they?”
Sarah: “Three boys! 14, 16 and 19. They’re my heart and soul.”
Clooney: “That’s sweet. Where does the oldest go to school?”
Sarah: “Oh, well we had to take my oldest, Tevin, out of school to work with my husband because my medical bills were too high to afford along with tuition. The other two work all afternoon to help pay the bills.”
Clooney: “Oh.”
Sarah: “Yeah. We don’t sleep well.”
Clooney: “Why is that?”
Sarah: “Because we all share a bed. All 5 of us. And the boys are restless after a long day of work in the factory. It’s a twin sized bed.”
Clooney: “How do 5 people share a twin sized bed?”
Sarah: “We sleep horizontally with our legs hanging off. Only our torsos are on the bed. I often times can’t get to sleep without Keith’s, that’s my youngest, I can’t get to sleep without his elbow digging into my spine. It reminds me of my car wreck.”
Clooney: “…”
Sarah: “What did you do today?”
Clooney: “I, uhh…I uhh…I rolled outta bed around 10, 10:30…11…it was 11:45 when I got up this morning.”
Sarah: “Ooohhh, that sounds nice. What kind of bed do you have?”
Clooney: “It’s one of those beds that float in the air.”
Sarah: “Floats?”
Clooney: “Yeah. You know, one of those beds astronauts made.”
Sarah: “I’ve not heard of that.”
Clooney: “Oh right, it’s not gonna be on the market for another 30 years.”
Sarah: “What size is it?”
Clooney: “Um, king. It’s a king-sized bed.”
Sarah: “Did I mention my whole family has black lung?”
Clooney: “I’m writing you a check for $100,ooo!”
Sarah: “Oh my, thank you so much!!”
Clooney: “Actually, add $10. Sorry about Batman and Robin.”

Finally, Batman and Robin can do some good. And all for charity!

I think that most tweets show that the majority of the world is pretty stupid.

It’s sad, the misspelled words and poor grammar. There are worse tweets, though.

Like the tweets that sound suicidal but aren’t meant to be. You’ve seen em, “This is the worst day ever. It’s over for me now.”
What the writer means is, “This was a tough day at work, but at least I’m at the end of it.” But because it was sent at 6pm people thought you were offing yourself.

Or take the time I tweeted something that I meant to be a compliment to Yvette Nicole Brown of “Community.” To save characters I tried to be brief, but due to lack of clarity I accidentally insulted her. She interpreted as an insult and very politely responded and stood up for herself. The tweet was easy to misunderstand and when I realized that I cleared things up. She said she wasn’t upset, but I can’t help but think Pierce is loosely based on me. I think I’m just paranoid.

Brevity is not your friend. Too few words, like “i’m dead…,” for instance, can alarm people. The writer probably meant dead tired, but someone could read that and think you were sending your last goodbye. You were laying somewhere weak and dying so you couldn’t even capitalize the “i.” The ellipses makes it seem like it’s a death breath. That last rattle of life. Context matters, kids.

I bring this up to say, “Be careful how you tweet.” Not only is that less that 140 characters, it’s also sound advice. Now that’s brevity, baby!

People always want to ask, “If you had a super power, what would it be and why?”  I always say, “The power to get you to ask better questions on a first date.”

Of course I never say that.  I never have first dates.  I like to start around date 10.

It does seem like a popular answer to that question is the ability to fly.  That is the worst answer possible.  Flight is useless without being paired with other super powers.

Think about it.

What good is flight if you don’t have super strength?  You know you want to fly so after your dinner date you can show off like Superman flying Lois Lane around.  But you can’t hold someone in your arms very long.  You aren’t strong enough.  You will drop her…from several hundred feet up in the sky!
The date will be going so well…until you kill her.  The only thing separating you and serial killers is strength.  Things are great until you kill people.

What good will flight do you if you don’t have super speed?  If you are super fast you can help fight crime and even terrorism.  The only way you can save everyone and yourself is if you fly a bomb out of a crowded building really fast.  You throw it into the sky and fly away super fast.  Everyone’s saved.  Yay!
Without super speed…everyone dies.  And you didn’t even take them out to dinner first.  Now you’re not even a charming serial killer.

Flight is also pointless if you aren’t invincible.  Do you know the flight patterns of planes?  I didn’t think so.  So when you go flying up in the air you’ll probably hit a plane.
You’ll be caught up in the scenery, the wind will be in your hair and WHAMO!  You hit a plane!  Without invincibility you’ll die from the impact or the fall you’ll suffer after being knocked unconscious.  Even if you see the plane at the last second you can’t fly fast enough to dodge it, you didn’t want super speed, just flight. And if you were invincible you’d be able to take the blow to the head, but you didn’t ask for that either.
And that plane might go down too if you hit it.  Now you’ve got a plane full of people you’re killing…unless you’ve got super speed, super strength and invincibility.  Then you can dive, catch it, lay it down safely.  But nope, you’ve killed even more people, you murderer!
Again people die on an empty stomach thanks to you because they’re not serving peanuts on flights these days.  Times are tough.  Everyone is scrimping…even your imagination because the only super power you want is flight.  You are the worst serial killer ever.

It’s a lame answer.  I have a better answer.  The super power I’d like to have is the ability to talk to insects so I can tell them to get out of my face and away from my food when I’m in the park on a date.  I don’t need them spreading West Nile to me or my date.  We’re trying to have a nice time and enjoy some chicken salad on a croissant with various fruits and sliced cheeses on weight-bearing crackers.

Nobody dies, everyone gets fed.