Year: 2012

I was recently flipping through a magazine in the lobby of a doctor’s office when I came across this ad:
 

 

What in the world is that symbol and why??

Seriously? A sperm? What does that have to do with defying gravity or healthy footwear?

Granted, I’m sure they weren’t intending for their “swoosh” which for them I guess is a “skwoosh” or a “skweesh” or maybe “ewsh,” but they still got through several meetings before it ended up on any shoes.

How did that happen? How did not one person in that board meeting not look at the mock-ups of their shoe and say, “Uhh, Bob, that emblem looks an awful lot like a sperm. Maybe go with something else?”

How did that not happen?!? Did everyone who works there hate the owner of the company and they wanted him to look like a fool when he traveled around trying to entice investors?

“Hehehe, dude…did you see their emblem?” – non-investor #1
“No – OH MY GOSH IT’S A…” – non-investor #2
“Shh, shh, shh! Don’t tell him!” – non-investor #1

I just went to their website and saw that they changed the symbol. Bob finally figured it out, I guess. But I saw that there was a “clearance” section: On Clearance

They’ve been discontinued. Swoosh! Just like that, they’re gone.

 

I recently saw this ad for Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Death Mobile in a Taco or whatever it’s called:

 

Seriously? Give in? That’s they’re marketing strategy?

When someone says, “Give in” to something they’re referring to that temptation to go through with that bad idea you know you shouldn’t do but you want to for some dumb reason.

Taco Bell is equating this notion with eating their food.

Why not just say, “Hey folks, this will kill you, but you’re gonna die anyway so you might as well eat it, right?”

I don’t even think they fully understand the right way to use temptation. Staying out too late with friends despite having to get up early, “Hey, I can take a nap in the afternoon!” That’s when you should say, “give in.”
When it comes to eating food for sustenance it shouldn’t be something you have to “give in” to get you to eat it. This isn’t Bizarre Foods. We’re not all as crazy as Andrew Zimmern.

Here are things you give in to:

1. Buying two pints of ice cream because they’re half off
2. Watching Definitely, Maybe (it’s surprisingly enjoyable ya’ll)
3. Eating the rest of the package of Oreo cookies
4. Singing along to “Call Me Maybe”
5. Dancing along to “Call Me Maybe”
6. Crying at the end of Rudy and not caring who sees it
7. Watching the rest of House Hunters International to see which house they choose (the 3rd one!)
8. Following Kanye West on Twitter
9. Whipping your hair back and forth
10. The Dark Side

All valid reasons for giving in. Eating a Doritos Locos Taco? NO. But mainly because it just doesn’t meet your expectations. I had one. It’s really not that good. They really should get a Cool Ranch flavor. Now that would be good!

Many of you non-music nerds may not realize that the musician Prince (aka The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, aka The Artist, aka Christopher, aka Jamie Starr, aka Alexander Nevermind, aka Joey Coco, aka That Symbol Thing Prince Made Up) has had many proteges in his time.

Stars like:
Apollonia
Sheena Easton
Sheila E
Vanity
Carmen Electra

But what you DON’T know is that he had plenty of other stage names in the hat of random words that he evidently used to come up with names for his new proteges.

Names like:
Peestick Wilson
Jabber Philonius
Blueberry Peach 1-37 (they couldn’t decide whether to pronounce this 1 minus 37 or 1 through 37)
Demeterus Rye
Cosmotalia (this one was for a dude)
Zirconia and Ceramic

There you have it, reader. You don’t come up with terrible stage names without having to go through other terrible stage names. Now if you would excuse me, I have to go feel the funk.

First Jennifer Aniston gets engaged now THIS?

Carly Rae Jepsen has a “new man?”

And he’s apparently soooo great.  He’s got “just the right” level of confidence.  He’s not too cocky and over the top.  Well, I’M that guy.  I have way too little self confidence to be over-the-top cocky.  Talk about sexy.

She also says she likes spontaneous dates.  What could be more spontaneous than going on a date with a guy you don’t know?  Ever been on a blind date?  No?  See, exciting already!

Allegedly this singer-songwriter you’re dating is “really talented?”  So he’s probably a better guitar player than I am.  So what?  I’ve been learning to play guitar for the last 14 years…so…call me maybe? (had to do it)

Man, 26 year old Carly Rae Jepsen (I include this detail so I don’t look like a perv. Most people think you’re 16), you are adorable.  And taken.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

Jennifer Aniston Engaged to be married??

No. No. No. NO!

The time between Pitt and now was my time to meet her and sweep her off her feet with my charm and my nothing else. But no. My lifetime crush is engaged, probably for the last time.

And by “lifetime” I just mean since I saw her on The Edge. I went to see Leprechaun in the theater for her. Yeah. That’s real. Did you see Leprechaun in the theater, Justin Theroux? NO? Figures.

But you got her.

Fine beardy. Make her happy for the rest of her life.

And that’s how my heart is breaking this week.

The new Wendy’s girl is cute. Crazy. I mean, talking to salads like they’re people, getting in the backseat of someone’s car before they get in the car…crazy. But you’re super cute, new Wendy’s girl. You Lily Aldrin cute.

But what in the world is this??

So now our sandwiches are procreating? GROSS! It looks delicious, but I feel like this is wrong. Forget stem cells and vegan lifestyles – the concept of our food having a “son” or “daughter” and promoting it as that is bizarre and far more polarizing.

Visit Facebook as they suggest and get your statuses ready and your arguments together! We must take this abomination down and fight for what is right! On August 8th, take to your nearest Five Guys and order the kind of burger God intended you to eat. This fast food cannibalism must end – WE RISE AT DAWN!!

It’s time for my weekly argument about John Mayer, everybody!  It goes a little something like this…

Me – John Mayer’s new album is really good.
Them (cause it’s always THEM) – Ugh.
Me – Seriously, he’s got some good songs.
Them – Body is a Wonderland.
Me – That song has a solid guitar part.
Them –  But his face when he plays.
Me – Anybody’s face when they play?
Them –  Daughters!
Me – WALT GRACE!
Them – JOHN MAYER! (said with anger)
Me – JOHN MAYER! (said with respect)
Them – …I’m just a Jennifer Aniston fan, okay?
Me – Me, too.  Me , too.  I can never date her because I love his music so much.
Them – That’s the reason you can never date her?
Me – Low blow, man.  Low blow.
Them – Talk about a Heartbreak Warfare.
Me – Don’t.  Just don’t.

There’s a new product for your pet dogs called Thundershirt.  This canine swaddle is for your dogs when they get scared by the thunder or sad when you’re away from home.

And I want to know why this hasn’t been made for humans!

No, I’m not afraid of the vacuum cleaner, but I get lonely.  And I need a hug from time to time.  The constant feeling that I’m getting a hug would be soothing.  I love hugs.

Imagine the commercial for this.

A recently dumped woman is sitting on the couch eating ice cream, listening to Adele and crying into a box of tissues while “Sleepless in Seattle” plays on the TV.  It’s muted, she just likes to see Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan find love.
Then PRESTO!  In a flash she is swaddled up in her thundershirt.  No more tears, it’s okay.  They should have a feature that speaks to you when you press a button.  “He wasn’t right for you,” it says.  “You’re better off.”  “It’s his loss.”  She gently falls asleep looking comforted and sure of herself.

This actually does exist for men.  It’s called beer. (please drink responsibly)

I get it, guy who doesn’t know how to use the timer on a camera.  You’ve been working out.  You caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and you’re looking good.  You want people to see this. Cause that’s not weird.

And, ya know, it’s not that weird.  You have been conditioned to think it’s normal.  For years now we’ve seen celebrities by even the likes of Adrien Brody grace the cover of Men’s Health shirtless because they’ve been working out.  “And here’s how he did it!”  Right?  I get it.  When they’ve been working out and look good they get the cover of a magazine to show everyone.  You have a Facebook.  It’s the only place to show everyone your progress.

Sure, you’re not a celebrity, but Us Weekly tells us that “They’re Just like Us!”  So you can take pictures of your body and show everyone, too!

The only thing is, they were asked to.  And paid to.  And it helps their career because it keeps them in the public eye.

Ya know what, on second thought, they’re not just like us.  No one asked you to pose shirtless.  It doesn’t help your career.  You’re not getting paid.  You just want to show off.

Yeah, you’re just pretentious.