Did You Hear About Pluto?

Thanks, astronomers.  You haven’t screwed up this much since you downgraded Pluto.

Poor planet named after a cartoon dog.

If you haven’t heard, astronomers have decided to go by the original Babylonian zodiac and it’s thrown off what your “sign” is.  So now I’m not a Capricorn anymore.  Now I’m a stinkin’ Sagittarius.  Which sounds like a dinosaur with man-boobs.

So I went from being; practical, prudent, patient, humorous and careful to being; honest, straightforward, intellectual, philosophical, and freedom-loving (which is bullcrap, I love authority.  If I were a state my motto would be “Tread on me all you want!”  Just ask my ex-girlfriend Angie).  I’m also supposed to be optimistic.  My life is ruined!

Well this just stinks.  I went from being a funny person to being someone who can enjoy funny people.  Screw that.  I’d rather make people laugh than go along with a good ribbing.  The next person who teases me is gonna get snapped on like I was Dave Chappelle.  Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. HA-HA, HA-HA, HAA!

They’re doing this to accommodate the subtle shifts in the Earth’s axis which changes the “constellation house” the sun is in during certain times of the year.  I mean really!?  Who cares?  I swear, that sun is gonna be the death of us one day.

Not sounding too optimistic or intellectual now am I, astronomers?  Or should I say, “JERKS?”