Pretty boy and Sexiest Man Alive Ryan Reynolds’ face has tormented me for years.
But it will torment me slightly less from now on.
This doesn’t mean that at one point in time I was better looking than him. It just means he’s slightly less of a person.
Okay, that’s not true, but at least he wasn’t always ridiculously better looking than me. He was just naturally far better looking than I’ll ever be.
Yay! Sounds like something worth celebrating! Who wants to go to CiCi’s with me!?
(sidenote: You can’t even go to CiCi’s Pizza’s webpage without having them shout at you. www.cicispizza.com)
Usually when you get older you get better at things.
Expressing yourself. Taking care of yourself. Sabotaging your romantic relationships.
When I was a kid I could hula hoop. Every kid can. Recently I tried to hula hoop but couldn’t. At all! I don’t get it. It’s not like I’m out of shape. Did I get too old? Do I not have the sexy anymore? No. Nonsense! Either way, it doesn’t matter. I can’t do it. I’ve tried and tried.
Well, there goes my dream of being the lead singer of a Shakira cover band. The hips don’t lie, I can’t pull it off.
So this movie was made.
When I used to see ads for Martin Lawrence’s movie “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” I would always say, “That movie could be made.”
I was wrong. This movie could be made.
Seriously, did they watch an episode of 30 Rock, see a fake poster for a movie Tracy Jordan made and overlook the sarcasm? “Yeaaahhh, we need to do a movie like that!”
No. No you don’t.
It’s not that I don’t respect Martin Lawrence. And I think Brandon T. Jackson is great. But why? You guys are so talented and you’re better than this. Reject the notion that these are the only kind of big movies Hollywood will let you make.
Then again…I’m out of work.
Hey guys…can I play a cousin in the next one?
Well you really did it this week, America! This country is over as we know it. I mean, how stupid could you be? I honestly don’t know how we can move forward as a nation after what happened this week.
Yeah, I’m talking to you, America, you’ve ruined us. When America crumples due to your lack of good judgment it will be your fault. How could you be so careless in your choices?
Seriously, do you hate America?
You sat down at your computer. You went to iTunes and you clicked to buy a Ke$ha song. She officially is not going to have a sophomore slump. She’s gonna think she belongs in the zeitgeist. If she even know what that word means.
I hope you’re proud of yourselves.