Because I’m a Genius*

You know those movie review websites that are designed for mothers so they can “protect” their kids?  They’re not even geared towards parents – just mothers, cause they’re the only ones who care about the safety of their kids.

Have you seen dads when they have to take their little kids to the grocery store?  They let those kids do anything.
“Hey buddy, try to only like the floor for 5 seconds.  It’s safer that way.”  “Hey buddy, what did I say about running in the street?  Only do it when cars are coming, not when SUVs are coming.”  “Alright buddy, you get to drive.  I know you’re five but I’m blowing a 5.0 over here.  I.  Am.  D.  Runk!”

Anyway, there are sites where mothers can look up movie reviews to see what objectionable content may or may not be in the movies their kids are begging to see.  I assume they do this to avoid the awkward conversations about sex that they don’t want to have.

Well that works both ways, world!  I don’t want that awkward conversation with my parents any more than they want to have that with me.
I say there should be a service for children who are 18 and older.  A site that warns you about scenes that will be totally awkward to watch with your parents in the room.

You know it’s happened to you!
You were just sitting there watching what you thought was a drama; History of Violence.  Yeah, it may have some violence in it but they can take it.  This movie is intellectual, right?
Well what the hell do cheerleader outfits and 69ing have to do with history or violence?!?  NOTHING.  But you got that crap anyway.  With your parents in the room!!

I don’t care how cool your parents are, there is a movie you will NOT want to watch with your parents.  My mom can watch episodes of South Park and laugh, but there was nothing funny about watching Superbad with her when Jonah Hill goes on a 5 minute tirade about vaginas.  Or drawing d’s.  I don’t need that to happen again.  And neither do you.

But the worst for me was when my family was watching a Chris Rock special and he starts talking about the HBO special about prison life that exposed to the world tossing someone’s salad.  The most you’ll ever want to kill yourself is when you have to hear your mother explain to your father what tossing a salad is.

Mommy, I don’t want to know why you know what that is and I don’t want my dad to know either.

So I’m starting a website.

This seriously could work.  I need a good name for it.  Awkward Turtle Reviews?  You Don’t Have To Kill Yourself Reviews?  Cheerleader 69 Reviews?

I dunno what it will be called yet, but it will be extensive and it will save your life.