Month: March 2010

This is my 101st blog.

Congratulations, readers!

Listen.  You know what I don’t understand?  Why girls go for jerks.  Have you seen this show Tool Academy?  Girlfriends of douche bags contact this show to teach the boyfriends how not to be such tools.

The problem is, they could’ve just dumped the guy.  Do the girls not see that being a douche bag is in their nature?  It’s who they are.  Nobody uses that much hair gel and Axe if they aren’t.  And you’re clearly annoyed by it…so why stay with him?

On top of that, they go on national television!  Revealing to the country that they are dating these giant tools.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there should be a test people can administer to prospective dates so they could find out if they’re douche bags.  Or clothes specifically designed to appeal to douche bags so that when you see them in those clothes you know right away – douche bag.

Oh wait, that does exist.  They’re called Ed Hardy t-shirts.

And there are tests for this too.  Observe.

If you get any question right without just taking a stab in the dark…you are a douche bag.  Best line of defense if you think douche bags are present – stab in the dark.  Cyclical.

You know what Gosselin is saying in that picture up there?  “I scored a perfect score!  Now leave me and my Ed Hardy t-shirts alone!  And who used up all my Axe hair gel!?!?  Me?  Oh, that was me?  Nevermind!”

It’s official.  Some people are really, really stupid.

I am single.

Yet these people are married:

Jesse James
Tiger Woods
Joe Lunardi (the guy who created Bracketology, or “wasting everyone’s damned time with my nerdish knowledge of college hoops and still being wrong about the brackets” for ESPN )

I don’t want to say Sandra Bullock is stupid…but she did marry a guy named Jesse James who was once married to a porn star.  If that doesn’t reek “I have serious, serious issues” I don’t know what does.  But when someone cheats it’s always the cheaters fault.  So, Sandra Bullock is not stupid.  He on the other hand…….
Just take this as a lesson, ladies.  Date nice boys who know how to cook, clean up after themselves, treat you with respect and NOT BE RAGING DOUCHE BAGS.

I mean, seriously, Jesse James??  You might be even dumber than Eric Benet!  That dumbass should wear shoes but no one ever said, “What is Halle doing with him?” when they were together.  EVERYONE wondered why you were with Sandra Bullock.  You’re a biker…and reek of douchey-ness.  Even John Mayer has to think you’re a giant douche bag.  But knowing douche bags he probably looks up to you.

And this is what happens when people ruin the scales.  On a scale of one to ten Jesse is a 5 at best.  Every American Sweetheart is a 10.  When you 8, 9 or 10s date a douchey 5, he thinks he can have the world…and he tries to.  So this nonsense happens.

Jesse, how do you do that to Sandra Bullock???  Your wife.  Who took YOUR kid in.  It was a real life “Blind Side.”  What a moron.

Jesse James really is dead man, but not as dead as Sandra’s trust in men thanks to his dumb ass.

And that is how our hearts are breaking  for Sandra Bullock’s heart this week.

Here’s an actual text convo I woke up to this morning…

Stranger: “Hey, =)”
Me:  “Hey.  Who is this?”
Stranger:  “Scott”
Me:  “Who do you think I am?”
Stranger:  “Morgan.”
Me:  “Sorry.  You have the wrong number.”
Stranger:  “Who is this?”

This is where he got me.  Did he think I wasn’t sure if I was Morgan or not?  “Hey, now that you ask…it IS Morgan.  My bad.  I’d have forgotten if you hadn’t said anything!  What’s up?”

Let’s just hope he wasn’t driving.  Not because it’s dangerous to text while driving, but because no one is safe on the roads if he is on them.

I want to have what I will call a “Farr Party” that is based solely off of this picture:

I’m fairly certain I can recreate it.  I know a girl who could easily look like my mother and I look enough like my dad to do this.

Oh, yeah.  That’s my mom and dad.

I know.  Awesome lineage.  You want to have children with me now don’t you?  Well you can’t, sir.  You can’t.