Killer Whale, More Like – Uhhhh

A Killer Whale killed its trainer this week.  A lot of supposed experts are saying that Killer Whales don’t normally kill.

Then why the hell did you name them KILLER WHALES???

Is that not the cruelest complex to give something ever?  “What should we name these guys?  They seem harmless…KILLER WHALES IT IS!”

They should’ve seen this coming.  They should’ve!  They should’ve known this horrible name would be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How could you not anticipate a Killer Whale eventually going, “Well if this is what they think of me then I’LL JUST GIVE THEM WHAT THE WANT!” <bite, bite – chew – suffocate – chew, chew>

How crappy must Killer Whales feel right now?  They must be going, “Oh, great!  Now they’re gonna think we ALLLL do that cause of one guy!  One guy!  That’s all it takes to screw it up for the rest of us.  Now we’ll never send a kid off to Sea World.  We’re tainted.  Sorry assed living up to the stereotype assed bitch.  We’ll never see a Killer Whale become the king of the sea.  Effin’ merman.”

You know, because Killer Whales know that’s what we call them…and they can talk.

I Get Annoyed Easily

I never quite understand why people complain about a comedian’s or an actor’s style like this maroon does:

Ben Stiller to Be in Crappy Brett Ratner Movie.

What do you expect Ben Stiller to do?  Start acting like someone he isn’t?  It’s his shtick.  Steve Martin is the only person I can think of that changed their style up and even then it wasn’t all that much.  Not as absurd…but still absurd.

Your voice doesn’t change.  Expecting Ben Stiller to drop his act is like saying to Eric Clapton, “Man, haven’t you done enough with the guitar?  Why not pick up a flute or something, damn.”

And seriously, that movie is going to blow because Ratner is involved.

Over. Rated.

I’ve long thought Paul Haggis was overrated.  But he’s just taken the cake with his video for the new We Are the World.

Not only does he make a video where not one person trips and breaks/almost breaks their neck (oh, that Paul Haggis charm) but he also neglected to get Rashida Jones, who was in attendance, in the video.

Are you kidding me, Haggis??

That’s bush league!  If she is in the room and you have a camera you are morally and ethically obligated to get her on camera.

I sat through Crash without snickering too much.  I watched your crapfest writing in action when I bothered to watch The Last Kiss and I attempted to watch at least five minutes of “The Black Donnellys.”  And THIS is how you repay me?

Sir, you are constantly a disappointment.

Her Name is Nicole…Scherzinger Farr

If Nicole Scherzinger is not my future wife (please God, I know I ask for a lot but forget all those other prayers and let this one happen) whoever IS my wife should know that Nicole (the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls – HER NAME IS NICOLE) will always be competition.

She will be the only competition, though…so that’s okay, right?

But seriously…she’ll always be competition.

Not sure why I’m professing love for her?  Here’s why.

Holmes on Holmes

I want to write a spec script for a TV show called “Holmes on Holmes.”

Here’s the premise I want to go with for the pilot episode:

While on a job to fix up a poorly made basement, Mike Holmes finds a dead body buried under the house.  Clearly the victim of a murder where the murderer more than likely went unpunished.
So he sets out to “make it right” by solving the murder showing his Sherlock Holmes-like brilliance at deduction.

I’d watch that.

Nation of Awesome

Need a gig?  I found this on Craigslist…

Model Wanted

My favorite part of this is that they still want a photo of your face if you submit yourself.  I think it’s a trap.  This dude just has a fetish for girls who are willing to show their butt cleavage.  Weirdo.
I say swarm this guy’s inbox with photos of butt cracks.  If I were Stephen Colbert and you were the Colbert Nation you’d do it.
How about I give you a name?  From now on, if you follow my blog then you are a member of the Awesome Nation!  Hmm, I kinda like Nation of Awesome better.  So come on nation!  Let’s give this guy a crack at being repulsed.

If you’re still looking for work, maybe you would be interested in this gig:

Actor Wanted

Did you pick up on what I picked up on?  “queer 24 year-old Italian American.  Think Shia LaBeouf.”  Who still says “queer” anyway?  What a douche.

Shia, who is straight and Jewish, should apply.  Does anyone have a way to contact him?  Tell him to send a picture of his butt cleavage to this guy.

How does someone casting for a movie get so off base with what type the role is?  Shia LaBeouf is like a queer Italian American?  That’s like posting a casting break down for a tall, buff man who looks like he can throw a punch.  Think Don Knotts.

Read This Out Loud

I am we tall did.

You S.O.B.  How dare you say that?  I hope Sarah Palin is within earshot and reams you out over that.  Jerk.

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So I was watching HGTV earlier…yeah, cause that’s what I do!

And this couple was on looking for a house.  The lady was preggers.  Super preggo.  Had to be in the last trimester.  Or as some say, “trimesto.”
Then, at the end of the episode the dude gets down on one knee and proposes.  She said yes, by the way.  Apparently he went to Jared’s.
I must be a bastard or truly becoming a comic because in that tender moment while everyone on the screen was crying my thought process was,

“Way to go, moron.  Kinda put the cart before the horse on that one.  And what a jerk.  Now she’s either gonna have to plan a wedding while dealing with a newborn or wear a dress while super pregnant.”

Cause every girl dreams of her beautiful wedding day.  The perfect flowers, beautiful weather, and her lovely maternity dress.

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I saw a study earlier that states listening to music you enjoy boosts your mental health.  Which explains why I always want to kill myself when I hear Katy Perry.
And why I don’t want to slit my wrists when I listen to Elliott Smith.  I love “Needle in the Hay.”

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Are you still reading out loud?  Read this out loud.

I’m gay.  No, seriously.

You Might Be a Redneck

“Clever” hashtags on Twitter are the new “You Might Be a Redneck If…”

Recent example #doesntmeanyourblack (sic)

That’s actually how it was written.  The idiot who started the trending topic and the morons who jumped on board don’t know the proper use of “your” and “you’re.”

“Your” is possessive.  “You’re” is a contraction of “You are.”

So what would make the most sense for that sentence, the contraction or the possessive your?  (don’t answer that Robert Byrd)?

I suppose the idea behind this trending topic was to rip non-Blacks for affecting dialect or a way of dress then claiming to be more Black than Wayne Brady.  Which is pretty much untrue regardless of how “Black you act.”
Wayne Brady is old enough to have been shunned for the color of his skin.  Wiggers have only been shunned for being dumb enough to think they can pull of Starter caps and Timberlands.

These guys are idiots.  To say they are “acting Black” insults all Blacks because it implies that Blacks are this stupid.

You don’t have to be a moron like these idiots to be anything other than a moron.  Get it together people.

Bad Idea Jeans

Why can’t Dial make hand-scented soap?  Just hand.

Why do my hands have to smell like I’ve been dipping them in apple cider?  That’s not natural.  I just want my hands to smell like hands.