Month: January 2010

I have heard a few people complain about how so many people have been outraged by Conan O’Brien’s getting pushed out of the Tonight Show but haven’t talked about the real crises in the world.

I haven’t talked about the real problems in the world either…because this is a comedy blog.  I touch on some serious subjects sometimes, but I’m writing this to makes jokes.

Detractors say…”Who cares about Conan?  He’s getting $30-50 million.  There are real problems in the world.  Like, I REALLY want an iPad!!”

Oh how short their attention spans are.

Since I’ve made a joke in this blog, I will consider this as being a job well done.  And I’ll take a tip from my hero Conan who warned people to not be cynical.
There are a lot of serious things going on in the world.  What good is it to be so hateful about things that aren’t that big of a deal when you can put that energy into actually helping others?

So, I urge you to give some money for Haiti Relief.

Do it anywhere; Church, StillerStrong.org, the Red Cross…just give and make sure that it’s a reputable place.  And don’t give up thinking and praying for the people of Haiti.  They’ll need hands and aid for a long time so don’t think just giving once is all you can do.

You know you must be an idiot when the people of South Carolina hate you so much that they don’t want Governor Sanford to resign from office because it would mean YOU would be the governor.

That idiot is Lt. Governor Andre Bauer, our purple nurple.

No.  Not the guy from Homicide.

This guy…

The one who looks like he’s in heaven when in another man’s arms.

He recently referred to the poor as fat, horny stray animals.  Seems like a nice guy.

That’s right…our purple nurple isn’t Governor Sanford.  He might not be the smartest tack in the box and his behavior has been embarrassing, but his behavior brought more pain to his soon-to-be ex-wife than it did to us as a state.  Bauer’s comments are hurtful to all of the poor…which is a heck of a lot of us.

And he’s refusing to apologize.  Which isn’t a surprise.  He’s an idiot.  He’s actually stupid enough to think that starving is going to keep people from breeding?  Has he ever been to any poor place?  Ever?  Ever-ever?

Stupid people are too stupid to know they’re stupid.  So when they say dumb things like this they justify it.

Wow.  Starving people will keep them from breeding.  And why don’t we need public schools to teach sex ed?

Since Conan O’Brien’s stint as the host of the “Tonight Show” is narrowing down I started to think of things I’d like to see him do.

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Host SNL.
We’ve all wanted him to again ever since he did years ago.

Appear on Late Night
Letterman did it for Conan, he should return the favor to Fallon.

Make Ridiculous Videos on YouTube or his own website
I’m thinking ConeBone69.com.

Steal Jeff Zucker’s Desk
Like he used to do when they were in Harvard together.

Mentor me
That one’s serious.  I want Coco to be my mentor.

Play Robert Pattinson’s Dad in the next Twilight movie
He wouldn’t need any make-up!

Appear on Letterman the first night Leno comes back
How would those “Tonight Show” ratings be, Zucker?

Go to ABC and star in his own show entitled “Ugly Yeti”

Sign a deal as Leno’s Tonight Show successor but as Conando
Si, CONANDO!

Snuggle Suits

Or you could, ya know, wear a robe…or clothes.

I’m not gonna do this every Friday anymore.  It’s getting old.  But, it’s fitting this week with the news that Conan O’Brien may not be hosting the Tonight Show for much longer.

Everyone’s heard all the details and rumors.  I’ll spare you having to read more of that.  And I won’t be hilarious like my hero Conan O’Brien has been in addressing this issue.

Why?  Because I’m too disappointed in NBC.  I grew up watching NBC.  Fox was created for my generation and I still only really watched NBC…granted, “only watched NBC” until recently.  Other networks have been doing great shows and NBC…well, they have a few prime time shows I watch.

And I became a hugely devoted Conan O’Brien fan in the 90’s.  I’ve watched him for years and when I heard he was taking over the Tonight Show I was thrilled.  I was okay with Leno, his humor is quite what I’m into.  I’ve always liked Letterman more.  With Conan at the helm of TV’s greatest franchise I thought the show could return to an era not unlike Carson’s reign.

Now they want to take that away and forget about what they’ll do 3-5 years from now.
Their handling of this smells with the stench of 1992.  Yeah, NBC has the right to do what they are saying they want to do.  That doesn’t make it the right thing to do.  It lacks integrity, logic, or basic decency.

And Dick Ebersol, before you say it’s about ratings take into account the facts that A) Jay Leno didn’t start out the late-night king back in ’92, B) Conan had ratings that showed potential until the Jay Leno Show started, and C) The Jay Leno Show didn’t rate that well, either.  How can you say “It’s about ratings so, so give it to this other guy who isn’t performing well?”

I just don’t see how NBC thinks this makes good sense from a ratings point of view.  Leno is the reason there wasn’t a good lead-in for the news and for the Tonight Show.  And if they reinstate him as the host of the Tonight Show it would seriously damage the integrity of the franchise.  Also, with the current public opinion of Leno, I doubt that he’d return to “late-night king” status.

Networks don’t care about how well they treat people, I get that.  “It’s show business,” they say.  Which is just an excuse to treat people like crap while pretending it’s not unethical.
But it’s just bad business practice to tell a guy for 5 years he’s gonna host the Tonight Show then uproot him, his crew, and their families out of New York, sending them to the other side of the country just for you to snatch away what you’d been promising them for 5 years.

If it weren’t for Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels, I’d probably never watch NBC for their lack of taste and good creative judgment.  But considering how Zucker is running things, I’m not sure if NBC will even be around much longer for me or anyone else to watch.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

#teamconan

If I had a pet dog I’d name him Young Jedi.

After 31 years, I’ve finally figured out what my type is.  Which is odd because it was right under my nose my whole life.

People always ask me, “What’s your type?”  I never knew so I just assumed I didn’t really have one.  Except for that brief time in college when I said I just wanted a girl who’d be nice to me and play video games with me.

But in truth my type is based off of a particular template.  The examples I have to perfectly illustrate my type are actually the very reason for this being my type.

Alyssa Milano, The Bangle’s Susannah Hoffs, Punky Brewster after coming back from the hiatus, the first Jennifer in “Back to the Future” and Sloane from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”.

Obviously, this is an 80’s thing.  Now, I know I had a big crush on Lisa Bonet as a kid, but Terrence Trent D’arby messed all that up for me.  Look at the video for “Wishing Well,” that’s a straight up Denise Huxtable outfit.

This James Franco performance on a recent episode of General Hospital shows the world that the only reason actors ever pull off good performances is because they get many takes.  Something soap opera actors don’t have the luxury of.

In the soap opera world, when the crew gets a take where all the mechanics go as planned and the actors say all their lines…they move on.  It doesn’t matter if you didn’t really expressed the emotion the way it probably should be.  You’re moving on.

This clip proves that.

It also proves that Tommy Wiseau should be on a soap opera of his own.  But all the looping they’d have to do would be torture.

Trite phrases are all pretty tiresome.

Like, “All’s fair in love and war.”  Well…no it’s not.  There are rules of engagement in war and in regards to love, just ask Tiger if anyone thinks cheating on your wife is “fair.”  Don’t even try to hand me that “but that doesn’t count,” nonsense.  The phrase isn’t “some things are fair in love…” it’s “ALL’S.”  So I’m gonna assume “all” is all-encompassing.
Bottom line is, stop saying it.  It’s an excuse to be deceptive.  You shouldn’t be deceptive, jerk.

One of my most hated phrases is “I hate to break it to you.”

You don’t hate to break it to me.  As a matter of fact, you’re reveling in breaking it to me.  You look intently into my eyes just so you can see the life slowly drain from them.

“I hate to break it to ya, but…”

Really?  You hate it?  Cause I got the impression you enjoyed saying that.  It didn’t at all come off like you “hated” it.  Did you think saying that softened it?  It didn’t.  Mainly because you followed it up with the worst thing anyone’s ever said to me.

My only point is that it doesn’t make a lot of sense.  Either you’re saying something awful that you’ve clearly been wanting to say for awhile or what you said really doesn’t make much of a difference to me.

One of my history teachers said to my class once, “I hate to break it to you kids, but a pizza is a pie.”  I actually asked out loud, “Why do you hate breaking that to us?”  Did he honestly think our enjoyment of pizza up to this point hinged on believing pizza was absolutely NOT a pie?

Great, now I want pizza.

Let’s just take the ridiculous phrases out of the lexicon.  Ok?  Great.  Well, I’m headin’.  See ya laters, alligators!

It’s a new year.  It’s a new decade!  It’s crazy how time flies.

Wanna know what I’ve already learned from 2010?  That the people turning 21 this year were born in 1989.

Do you remember Bobby Brown?  I don’t mean wife beating, drug addicted Bobby Brown.  I mean “Every Little Step” Bobby Brown.

I sure remember.  Like it was less than 21 years ago.

Damn.  We’re getting old.  When people who will soon be able to legally drink can say, “Who is Tone Loc?” you know you’re getting old.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.