Say it Ain’t So, Val

I just read that Val Kilmer owes the US Government some money in back taxes.

I’m fighting the urge to say, “To the batcave!”  Because one, that doesn’t make any sense and secondly…well it still just doesn’t make sense.

Here’s what I think Val Kilmer should do, go to jail.

Seriously!  Wesley Snipes is doing it.  Then the greatest comeback movie of all-time could be made.  Chris Tucker could be in it, too.

But what could you call it?  I know!  “To the Batcave!”

That still doesn’t make sense.

How My Heart is Breaking This Week

It looks like a lot of hearts are breaking these days.

It started a couple months ago with Blake Lively:

http://justjared.buzznet.com/2010/10/27/blake-lively-penn-badgley-split/

Despite this being a story about her splitting up with a guy it really is just another thing that breaks my heart.  This story is a couple months old.  So you know what that means?  She’s had plenty of time to rebound with someone else!

Every guy around her was calculating how long it would take for her to be ready to date again so they can swoop in at just the right time.

And someone has!

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b215393_source_blake_lively_ryan_gosling.html

GOSLING!!!  This is the last time I let you break my heart, sir.

And there have been several other break ups recently.  You’ve seen ’em in the news.  Zac and Vanessa, Tony and Eva, Randy Quaid and sanity.

But the break up breaking my heart the most is Scarlett Johansson’s and Ryan Reynolds’.  And I know what you’re thinking, “But Jason, that means Scarlett is single.  You have a chance!”

You think I have a chance?  Ryan Reynolds couldn’t keep her and you think I have a chance??  There is no hope…with dope.  Or for me and Scarlett.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

I’m Okay with That

There is still talk about making another Ghostbusters, but one where they turn over their proton packs to a new crew.

So it begs the question; what celebrities would you least hate to be the next Ghostbusters?  I know how you hipsters are, you don’t like the idea of a new movie and you especially hate the idea of new Ghostbusters.  You want the old ones and no one else.  Cause you’re a snob.

But come on, we’re not talking about casting Justin Bieber in a remake of Goonies.  They could legitimately make a new, good Ghostbusters movie.

I’m totally down with Seth Rogen being in it.  And I say it’s a must that Donald Glover be in it.  I know you’re all gonna say the new Egon-type should be Michael Cera.  Not that the new crew should be carbon copies of the old crew, but I would like to see Jesse Eisenberg in that role.

Maybe we should make a Facebook page for this.  Not one with quite the frenzy of pleading that Betty White host SNL.  More like, “One Million Ghostbusters Fans Saying, ‘I’m Okay with Seth Rogen Being a Ghostbuster.'”

What? That’s Where I Celebrate Things

Pretty boy and Sexiest Man Alive Ryan Reynolds’ face has tormented me for years.

But it will torment me slightly less from now on.

Behold a slightly “bulbous” nose.

This doesn’t mean that at one point in time I was better looking than him.  It just means he’s slightly less of a person.

Okay, that’s not true, but at least he wasn’t always ridiculously better looking than me.  He was just naturally far better looking than I’ll ever be.

Yay!  Sounds like something worth celebrating!  Who wants to go to CiCi’s with me!?

(sidenote: You can’t even go to CiCi’s Pizza’s webpage without having them shout at you.  www.cicispizza.com)

Me, I Want a Huuula Hoop

Usually when you get older you get better at things.

Expressing yourself.  Taking care of yourself.  Sabotaging your romantic relationships.

When I was a kid I could hula hoop.  Every kid can.  Recently I tried to hula hoop but couldn’t.  At all!  I don’t get it.  It’s not like I’m out of shape.  Did I get too old?  Do I not have the sexy anymore?  No.  Nonsense!  Either way, it doesn’t matter.  I can’t do it.  I’ve tried and tried.

Well, there goes my dream of being the lead singer of a Shakira cover band.  The hips don’t lie, I can’t pull it off.

This Happened

So this movie was made.

Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

When I used to see ads for Martin Lawrence’s movie “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” I would always say, “That movie could be made.”

I was wrong.  This movie could be made.

Seriously, did they watch an episode of 30 Rock, see a fake poster for a movie Tracy Jordan made and overlook the sarcasm?  “Yeaaahhh, we need to do a movie like that!”

No.  No you don’t.

It’s not that I don’t respect Martin Lawrence.  And I think Brandon T. Jackson is great.  But why?  You guys are so talented and you’re better than this.  Reject the notion that these are the only kind of big movies Hollywood will let you make.

Then again…I’m out of work.

Hey guys…can I play a cousin in the next one?

Good Job, America!

Well you really did it this week, America!  This country is over as we know it.  I mean, how stupid could you be?  I honestly don’t know how we can move forward as a nation after what happened this week.

Yeah, I’m talking to you, America, you’ve ruined us.  When America crumples due to your lack of good judgment it will be your fault.  How could you be so careless in your choices?

Seriously, do you hate America?

Ke$ha Debuts at No. 1 on U.S. Singles Chart

You sat down at your computer.  You went to iTunes and you clicked to buy a Ke$ha song.  She officially is not going to have a sophomore slump.  She’s gonna think she belongs in the zeitgeist.  If she even know what that word means.

I hope you’re proud of yourselves.

Gonna Go Back in Time

Some people think there is a time traveler seen in a Charlie Chapin movie from 1928.

There are several reasons why people are stupid.  This is one of them.

The sole reason they think this is a time traveler is because they appear to be talking with their hand up to their head as if on a cell phone.

Even if someone can figure out how to time travel, no cell phone company will figure out how to get you a signal in 1928.  You Verizon users love to talk about how good your service is, but this is going too far, guys.

I also have a problem with the idea that we’ll be smart enough in the future to figure out time travel but dumb enough to go back in time just to show up in a Charlie Chaplin movie.
Yeah, future civilization, don’t bother stopping Martin Luther King or Lincoln from being assassinated.  Enjoy your day as an extra in a Charlie Chaplin movie.

Jerks.

Angry Ol’ Bird

What’s up you dirty whore of a person.

I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have said that.  I’m just on edge, ya see.

So there’s this game.  It’s called Angry Birds, ya see.  And I keep playing this game but I can’t get it myself.  I need a friend, ya see.  You get the picture.  I have friends that have the good stuff.  Yeaaaahhhh.

My addiction to this game is seriously that bad.  And I don’t have the game.  It’s a cell phone video game…that I can’t get on my phone.  I don’t have an iPhone or a Droid.  You can even play it on an iPad.  I’m seriously jonesin’ to play this game so bad that I’m considering going to the Apple store just so I can play it on the iPads.  Which I’m sure they won’t approve of.

I gotta get my story straight now.  I’ll tell them “Look, ya see, I’m considering asking for an iPad for Christmas so I want to test it out, ya see.  Now SCRAM!”

That way I can “test it out” for awhile undisturbed and without being hassled to buy anything.  I’m a genius, ya see!

Could I be working on something instead of going to the mall to play a video game?  Yes.  It’s that addicting, I tell ya’s!  I have a problem.

I wonder what the programmers of Angry Birds played when they were supposed to be working.  Do you think anyone said, “Hey, let’s get this game finished so we can have a game to waste time with!”

This is the sort of stuff I think about.  Ya see.

I Think Cartoon Mr. T Said it Best

When I get particularly antsy for work I look at Craigslist.  It’s always a huge disappointment until I come across a post like this!

Hot Male/Female Entertainment

This guy needs pictures of you strangers.  Pictures of you in your underwear.  But please, no nudes, cause this is a classy organization.

And also, make sure the picture aren’t from a year ago…when you looked very different.  Cause we all looked very different a year ago.
Not because he’s judgmental, but because he doesn’t like surprises or “oqward” situations…or spell checking.

Actually, he probably does like spell checking.  He just just thought that’s how you spell the word “awkward” because he’s so stupid.