Is Awesome

Archive for December, 2009

#oppositeoffail

I’m turning 31 in just over 2 weeks.

People love to talk crap about my getting older, but HEY…can you sit on the floor, spread your legs and touch your head to your knees???

No?

Well, I can.  When I was 12 I couldn’t do that.  I took karate back then and at the beginning of each class we’d stretch.  When we did the stretch I mentioned above I could always touch my forehead to my left knee, but never could with my right knee.

I couldn’t a year ago, either.  I can now.

I’m turning 31 in just over 2 weeks…and I can now do something I couldn’t do when I was less than half my age.

I’m counting that as a win.


Things I Think Up While Driving

I know a lot of people are very much against shock therapy, but what about aroma shock therapy?

I don’t mean you’ll get physically shocked when you smell something.  I mean you’ll smell something and be shocked.

“Oh!  Mango!  That’s nice.”  “Mmm, pumpkin and nutmeg!  I wouldn’t have thought of that combo.”


How My Heart Is Breaking This Week

Haven’t blue people been taken advantage of enough?

Gargamel and Azrael sabotaged and terrorized the Smurfs for years in the 1980′s and now in James Cameron’s new film “Avatar” we’re seeing blue freakshows taken advantage of for their land and their powers…or something like that.  Does anyone know what that movie is about?

It’s a shame, really.

Not just the part about more blue people getting ravaged, but now I realize that there hasn’t been a big budget “Smurfs” film.

Come on, Hollywood.  You greenlit a movie about “Thor” before making one about The Smurfs?  You make “Thor” when there aren’t any superheroes or random 80′s cartoons left to make movies about.  What’s next?  A movie about MC Skat Kat?

I’m just saying, you gave us two “Transformer” movies and what had to be a horrible “GI Joe” movie.  And then there was talk about a “Voltron” movie!
VOLTRON?!  The poor man’s Transformers were thought of before the beloved Smurfs??

Get it together, Hollywood.  We want a movie about the Smurfs!!

And so help me if you hire Tim Burton to direct it!
Though, Johnny Depp would make a good Brainy Smurf.  (You thought I’d say Papa Smurf, didn’t you?  Well, obviously Christopher Lee would be Papa Smurf and Nicolas Cage would be Gargamel.)

Good job, Hollywood.  You dropped the ball on extending my childhood.

And that is how my heart is smurfing this week.


How My Heart is Breaking This Week

When Tiger Woods got married a lot of Black women complained that he was marrying a White woman.  A lady actually said to me once, “So I guess Tiger just doesn’t like Black girls, huh?”

Black guys aren’t really the best people to complain about that to.

We love White women.  We practically created cougars.

In truth, Black guys just love women, but when even Stevie Wonder sings about Jungle Fever you have to just accept it for what it is.

Plus, the kids of interracial marriages are always so gorgeous.  Am I right?  Halle Berry.  President Obama.  I rest my case.
I like to think that gorgeous mixed kids is God’s way of sticking it to racist people.

I wonder if that’s why that judge in Louisiana wouldn’t marry an interracial couple, because he was mad that their kids would look so much better than his.
Maybe I should start taking it as a compliment that people assume I’m mixed.  Aww…how sweet, guys.

Back to Tiger, now that his mistress count is in the double digits (does that make him under or over par?) and that the media has put skanky faces to the skanky text messages we see that none of them were Black.
No Black girls, Tiger?  Some women are gonna be upset.

“First we’re not good enough to marry, and now we’re not even good enough to cheat with?  If this were a game of ‘Marry, Kill, Bop’ he’d choose killing us?!?!”

It’s bad enough that Tiger cheated, especially soooo much.  It’s even worse that these rendezvous are so embarrassing for his wife.  The worst of it all might be that these women are being paraded out there the way they are.  Even on legitimate programs like the “Today Show.”

Really, NBC?  Why don’t you just interview Joe Francis and tell him he should make a “Girls Gone Wild…with Tiger” video?  I’m sure he can make some connection to the jungle and Tiger’s name.  He’s so clever that douche bag.

Thanks to organizations like the “Today Show,” Tiger’s wife is having to read a headline like “Tiger’s Mistress: I Don’t Owe His Wife an Apology.”
Really?  You don’t owe her an apology?  Well, maybe you should at least give her a heads-up on which skanktastic STDs you have.
Another mistress is shooting down prostitution claims.  No, I think you’re misunderstanding…we’re just calling you a whore.

I may not know Tiger’s wife Elin, but even if she’s a jerk she doesn’t deserve this humiliation.  And with this story dominating the news, it means any woman who as been cheated on is getting a constant reminder of that pain.  I live in South Carolina and word that the Governor’s wife filed for divorce just came out.  This isn’t an easy week for her either.

I may hate just the glimpse of what all these women are going through, but it’s not my heart that’s breaking this week.


What the What?

Katy Perry and Russell Brand
Emmy Rossum and Adam Duritz
John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston
Steven Segal and Kelly LeBrock
Hall and Oates
Billy Bob Thornton and Anybody

People say these celebrity relationships are odd pairings.  Whether you agree or not on the above you have to acknowledge that this is the weirdest of all-time.  Say again, Kanye, OF ALL-TIME!

BILLY CORGAN and JESSICA SIMPSON

Are you kidding me?  I don’t even have a joke.  This just flat out has to be a joke or the strangest thing I’ve ever heard.


Google. More Like…

I’m taking a new approach to life.  It’s something I learned from Google, actually.

I learn so much from you, Google.  Like who that lady was on that show that time; or how to properly use the word “gerfunkle”; and now how to take a hint.

See, I’m all gerfunkled because the Google started a fade in effect for the homepage.  Google then asked for feedback about this fade in feature.

The result was pretty clear.  Nobody gets it and everybody hates it.

Despite that, Google is actually going to stick with this “feature:” http://www.seroundtable.com/archives/021291.html

Seriously, Google?  What is the point of asking for our advice and not taking it?  You’re like the idiot friend everyone had growing up who would always ask you for your advice then promptly ignore it.
“No, you really shouldn’t get a face tattoo.  It’s a horrible idea.”  Then they do it anyway.

Apparently, we all knew Mike Tyson growing up.

Nonetheless, it got me thinking.  How else could this brilliant logic of Google’s be applied?

“Hey, wanna go out sometime?”
“No.”
“See ya at 8!”

I might actually try that sometime.


How My Heart is Breaking This Week

What?

Amy Sedaris is married?

The heartbreak is in the form of a question this week because nobody seems to know if it’s true.

Back in May the very lovely, quirky and talented Amy Sedaris said in another one of her famous appearances on Letterman that she was married to a man named Glenn.
The audience cheered.  They were happy for her.  Then she said Glenn was a disable merchant marine with no enamel on his teeth.  That’s when people got confused.

I didn’t find out about this until I came across her Wikipedia page this week where it was mentioned that she spoke of her nuptials on Letterman.
It was a heart sinking moment.  My friend Katy even wanted me to marry Amy Sedaris so Katy could move in across the street from us.

We had plans, Amy.  Just know that you’re not just breaking my heart this week.  You’re also breaking the heart of the adorable Katy.

We had plans.  We’d all bake together.  You’d make us laugh and then make us pancakes.  Show us the proper way to make cheeseballs.  It was going to be delightful.  But now the dream is gone.  No pancakes.  No cupcakes. No Lemoncellos.

I’m so sorry, Katy.  Saying that might be the hardest part.

And that’s how my heart is breaking this week.