How My Heart is Breaking This Week
“Heartbreaking” might be a bit of an overstatement. Or it at least does not properly descripe how I feel.
Here’s the deal, I apparently live where there are a lot of self-righteous people. And sometimes their self-righteousness really peeves me.
Ah, that’s the word! Peeve. How I’m Peeved This Week. That’ll work.
Some people are a bit self-righteous and love to force their views on everyone else. How else could you explain why certain magazine covers are covered up in the aisles at the grocery store?
They’ve put up these little dividers in front of magazines like In Shape or Glamour in the checkout aisles at my grocery store.
I get it. Lust is wrong. It’s a sin, even. But a magazine can’t lust. I can lust. If I see the magazine and lust, that’s on me. Not the grocery and not the magazine.
Did you guys ever think that there’s not much you can really do to prevent that? Cover up all the magazines, it’s not going to stop someone who has lust issues from lusting. He could look at a girl in a baggy sweatshirt and lust. It’s the dude, not the lady in the sweatshirt.
Here are some examples of what they’ll cover up:
I realize these women aren’t wearing a whole lot, but they even cover up magazine covers like this:
She’s wearing plenty. Just cause she’s adorable doesn’t make it wrong. It’s just too bad that I don’t know her personally. And that’s the real sin.
Bikini or not, though, there is a big difference between the above magazine covers and the lasciviousness of these:
They don’t sale Maxim in the aisle. The point I’m making is Maxim is lame and for douche bags. Maybe that’s not a sin, but it should be.
And on top of that, the poses on the Maxim covers are trying to illicit lustful thoughts. In Shape is just trying to say “Look what working out did for my abs.”
Maybe the people complaining are fat people who feel insecure when they look at the food in their cart then look at Julia Louis Dreyfuss and he fantastic abs. It’s like when I see Ryan Reynolds.
REYNOLDS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just think it’s lame that they cover up those particular magazines. Especially since they don’t care to block tabloids that publish flat out lies and gossip. Which, for those of you taking score, ARE ALSO SINS.
How about we cover up that crap? Oh, because “We shouldn’t tell other people how to live?” Because “We can’t control everything? We’re in America! Yeah!”
So then why are you trying to control what magazines I see when I walk through the grocery store? Who asked me? Well, who asked you? Nobody. But, that didn’t stop you from telling me what I could do.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
How My Heart is Breaking This Week
Ray J is still a person.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
Seriously. Who tries to start a catchphrase like “smashed the homie?” Especially when it is supposed to mean a girl you’re trying to date did it with one of your friends? Who makes that a catchphrase and tries to make it a “movement?”
Ray J. You’re a douche bag.
I Saw Your Face…
Dammit!
I have “Your Beautiful” by James Blunt in my head.
“You’re beautifah-ul. You’re beautifah-ul. You’re beautiful, it’s true.”
Now it’s in YOUR head, too. The pleasure was all mine.
By the by, I wonder if James Blunt is thinking this new vampire craze will give a boost to his career since he’s OBVIOUSLY A VAMPIRE.
How I Met My Heart Which is Breaking This Week
Ok, so maybe it’s not MY heart that is breaking this time but instead Josh “Ted Mosby” Radnor’s and Lindsay Price’s.
In case you didn’t know, they were dating and they just broke up.
Generally, I don’t care who a celebrity dates unless it’s my future wife Jennifer Aniston or possible wife Nicole Scherzinger.
But it’s different with this relationship because I’m a “How I Met Your Mother” lover. If you get into that show you want Ted to find the mother and you want it to be perfectly romantic.
So when the guy who plays him and a lovely gal (which Lindsay Price seems to be) break up you think, “Awww, Ted. You’ll find her! She has a yellow umbrella…ella, ella.”
So I’ll drink a Scotch and soda to you, buddy. You’ll find the one, just get back out there. And for Pete’s sake – SUIT UP!
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
Maybe He Should’ve Bought Into Smartwater Instead
50 Cent said in a recent interview that Jay-Z is soft. Basically that’s what he’s saying. That Jay-Z isn’t hood anymore because he’s so rich. “The money changed him,” 50 said.
And here is a picture of 50 Cent’s mansion:
You’re reading this correctly. This mansion is in Connecticut.
Farmington, CT to be exact. The whitest sounding town in the US. When you live in a place like that Heathcliff Huxtable has more street cred than you.
So yeah, Jay-Z is the one who isn’t hard…because he still lives in New York and not in Connecticut.
This is probably the most ridiculous beef I’ve heard. One rich rapper saying another rich (but less rich) rapper lost his rep just because he’s rich. Well, isn’t that the rapper calling the rapper black?
That would be like Dina Lohan saying to Kathy Hilton that Paris Hilton is out of control. Who is Dina Lohan to say that? No really, who is Dina Lohan? Kathy Hilton wouldn’t know.
Congrats on keeping your hood rep up, 50. It led to you being compared to Dina Lohan.
Who Are the Ad Wizards Who Came Up With This One
I’m going to make a drink called Douche Juice. It will be specifically tailored to douche bags.
This isn’t because I want to encourage their behavior, though I know it will, this is going to be done so people can know without any doubt that someone is a douche.
Seriously, ladies, if a guy at a bar buys you a drink and says, “It’s vodka and Douche Juice, I hate the name but it tastes sooo good,” then you’d know he was a douche. No question about it. No denying…DOUCHE. You can walk away confident that he wouldn’t have been good for you.
I’m just looking out for you ladies.
I’m almost certain Ed Hardy t-shirts are following the same logic.
How My Heart is Breaking This Week
The Travel Channel wants to make me look like a pervert.
When I work out at the gym I like to get on an elliptical machine and turn on the TV. I have been burned one too many times by the Travel Channel, though.
You’d assume they’d have some beautiful locales that you can just look at. Evidently, the beautiful locale they decided to feature this morning was Whore Island.
I’m standing there looking at what I think is a beautiful, “pristine” beach when a topless woman emerges from the ocean. Yeah, they pixelated the image. But still, that was random. Oh well, must just have been that person.
NOPE.
It was the whole damn beach!
You tried to be sly about it, Travel Channel. You cut away and show a nice view of the ocean and the beach and the trees and – BOOM – you go back to topless women and linger there. So I changed the channel. I had to. It made me look like a perv. Standing there seemingly oogling topless women.
Something similar happened the other day too. I was flipping through the channels, looking for something to watch when I see what I assumed was some kind of pirate parade. I stop but quickly realize that the cameramen were more interested in burying their cameras into the chests of heavily bosomed barmaids.
Nope. Couldn’t keep it there. Pervy.
So thanks guys. Now all the people in the row behind me think I’m a perv. Great job. And don’t tell me they weren’t paying attention. Because they were! I’ve been on the second row of elliptical machines before and they don’t have TVs so all I do is watch what the people in the front row are watching.
Yesterday it was Regis and Kelly. Like, 6 people in a line – all watching Regis and Kelly. Wholesome.
Boobs galore? Not so much.
Makes me look like a weirdo. So I had to watch Emeril cook something on Food Network. It was certainly tasty looking but certainly bad for me.
It’s always counter-productive to watch Food Network when you work out because you’ll watch them cook something buttery and delicious then you go and eat it cause you had to stare at it for an hour.
Great, I burned just enough calories to eat half of this dish…and I will eat the whole thing. Oh I will.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.