How My Heart is Breaking This Week

Ryan Reynolds!!!

Imagine I’m screaming that while shaking my fist in the air.

He already broke my heart by marrying Scarlett Johansson and also by being so damn good looking, but now I find out that Scarlett said in an interview that she never thought she’d marry.

Wasn’t for her.  Nope.  Not until she met that beautiful bastard, Ryan Reynolds.  Seriously, his mirror image would fall in love with him.

So basically we ALL had a chance with Scarlett before she met him.  Any guy could’ve bumped into her in New York, said something witty and charming before getting her to at least have coffee with us.
I heard Nick Harmer the bassist for Death Cab for Cutie even got a date with her.  And that guy isn’t exactly what you’d call “pretty.”  He’s a bearded Napoleon-looking dude who plays bass with a great deal of intensity.

SHE looked at that and said, “Yeah.  Ok.”  It wasn’t as bad as Jennifer Aniston AND Courtney Cox getting a date with Adam Duritz, but it’s still up there.

And seriously, Jennifer Aniston, what were you thinking?  By dating Adam Duritz you made every homeless man in Portland think he had a chance with you…cause he kinda did.

I digress.

Ryan Reynold’s screws it up for the rest of us.  He blows the bell curve.  He’s too damn pretty and successful and I’m tired of it.  I want this to even out for my benefit now.  Seriously, God, Reynolds has enough.  He even gets to host SNL this weekend, can you throw me a bone?  I just want to pay off my mom and dad’s debt and get my mom a new car.  Is that seriously too much to ask for?

“Here ya go, Ryan Reynolds.  Be the most beautiful man in the world.  Here’s some perfect hair.  Here’s a successful career.  Here’s Scarlett Johansson.”

Can I not just get the recommended serving of fruit a day?  No?  I gotta live in squalor and obscurity?  And watch Ryan Reynolds and Justin Timberlake live my dream?  Ok.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

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