Month: October 2009

Ohhhh, Jennifer Esposito.  Or to say it in Spanish…ayyyy, Jennifer Esposito.

It’s bad enough to find out that you’re getting married.

But why?  Why?  Why are you doing this?

You’re breaking my heart in the tackiest way possible.  Why don’t you just go on that proposed Octomom reality show and try to steal Jon Gosselin from her while you’re at it?  Or send your fiance up in a balloon just for attention?

This reality show stuff is pretty ridiculous.  The people on them do a lot of disgusting and disturbing things on shows like Rock of Love and Shot of Love.  And most of it involves just interacting with Bret Michaels and Tila Tequila.

Why would you want to subject something as beautiful as your wedding day to the shamelessness of reality-tv?

And this isn’t the first time you’ve broken my heart, Jennifer Esposito.  First you married Bradley Cooper.

BRADLEY!!! (image me shaking my fist)

But now you’re marrying Aussie sports star Mark Philippoussis, whose name I had to copy and paste just to spell right?  A guy who is only known in the U.S. for going on “Age of Love?”  A reality show which EW.com recently named one of the Top 37 Most Appalling Shows of All Time.

If you don’t know, Age of Love was your typical Bachelor-type reality show.  The catch was that the women Mark had to “date,” at first, were women in their 40s.
Then the producers threw a bunch of young, sexy girls at him to date.  The point being, does age have an effect on finding “true love” or is it nothin’ but a number?

Even R. Kelly thinks that show is in poor taste.

So thanks, Jennifer Esposito.  I now am left confused as to why I ever cared enough to end up heartbroken.  Way to keep it classy.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

I really don’t like Barenaked Ladies.  At all.  Not just because it’s awkward to say, “I really don’t like Barenaked Ladies” or “I’m going to see Barenaked Ladies” without sounding like a weirdo.  I just don’t like them.

But if I had a million dollars I would immediately fulfill one of my top 3 dreams.  To find the best rib joint in the U.S.  And by the way, the best rib joint in the world is in the U.S.
Do you think Canada would know how to make a good rib?  They’d use a hockey puck to season it.  Canucks, eh?
I bet there is a good rib joint in Australia, though.  They keep surprising me with their awesomeness.  Have you seen Orianthi??

I digress.

I’m desperately wanting to find a place with amazing ribs.  EVERYONE claims they have the best ribs, but I’m sorry, guy from Fatz commercial – the best ribs in any town are not those of a chain restaurant.  They might be edible, good even, but not “the best.”

I won’t be able to find the best ribs place without traveling to North Carolina or Memphis or Kentucky or even Texas.  Maybe Alabama.  I’m convinced there are no great rib places in South Carolina, though.  I can’t go on this expedition without traveling money.
Solution:  Get a million dollars and do whatever I want…which includes doing this.

Maybe what I should do is make this into a documentary.  I don’t see how it could be a good documentary, but it’s not a documentary to find the best documentary.

What are the other two Top 3 dreams?

1. Being on 30 Rock and getting to say, “Shut it down.  Shut it down.”
2. To overcome my fear of whales so I can save babies from them.  What’s that?  That’s wells not whales?  Dream accomplished!!

Have you heard this Har Mar Superstar guy?  I just saw him on Late Night.

He sounds like Justin Timberlake, but looks like Jon Lovitz.

His Single Tall Boy

Him

I haven’t been this thrown off since Patrick Stump did those runs at the end of Fall Out Boy’s cover of “Beat It.”

He’s like the new Rick Astley.   No one who looks like that should sound like that.

Torture is a strong word, right?

So why is it considered torture to make suspected terrorists listen to Prince’s music!?  Am I practically waterboarding my girlfriend when I make a playlist of Prince songs for her?

Screw you!

Let me explain.  For a reason that escapes me, some artists wanted to know if terror suspects were being forced to listen to their music.
Then this list came out:

A Freedom of Information Act request filed on Thursday names 35 musicians or songs that 
it said were used against detainees at U.S. military detention centers, including the 
one at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
The National Security Archive -- the Washington-based independent research institute 
that filed the request -- said the documents it is seeking "contain explicit references 
to the following bands or songs":
-- AC/DC
-- Aerosmith
-- Barney theme song (By Bob Singleton)
-- The Bee Gees
-- Britney Spears
-- Bruce Springsteen
-- Christina Aguilera
-- David Gray
-- Deicide
-- Don McClean
-- Dope
-- Dr. Dre
-- Drowning Pool
-- Eminem
-- Hed P.E.
-- James Taylor
-- Limp Bizkit
-- Marilyn Manson
-- Matchbox Twenty
-- Meatloaf
-- Meow mix jingle
-- Metallica
-- Neil Diamond
-- Nine Inch Nails
-- Pink
-- Prince
-- Queen
-- Rage against the Machine
-- Red Hot Chili Peppers
-- Redman
-- Saliva
-- Sesame street theme music (By Christopher Cerf)
-- Stanley Brothers
-- The Star Spangled Banner
-- Tupac Shakur

And really, Bruce Springsteen??  The meow mix song I get.  Imagine having to listen to that over and over again.

Man that’s scary to think about.

And David Gray!  Come on!!  Do terrorists hate movie trailers to every romantic comedy or something?

I suppose Bruce Springsteen is on the for the same reason the Star Spangled Banner is.  Not because he’s hard to listen to but because it’s American through and through.  “Hate America do ya?  Well listen to this!  BORN IN THE USA!”

I give them credit for putting Saliva and Limp Bizkit on there, but no Hinder?  No Kid Rock?  No Uncle Kracker?  It’s just torture for me to have to hear them?  Ok.  Fair enough.

But Prince?  Damn.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

I took a trip to Barnes and Noble today and ended up getting suckered into reading an US magazine.  Talk about John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston and I’ll pick you up, you stupid mag.

What was heartbreaking was not the story that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are secretly back together.  What got me was what they included in their despicable “Who Wore It Best” feature.

It’s bad enough that they have a feature where they show two female celebs in identical outfits and then poll readers on which “wore it best.”
It’s cruel and it probably hurts their feelings.  Especially when it comes to celebs.

But this issue also had a “Who Wore it Best” made up of KIDS of celebrities.  Kids!?!?

This is so wrong.

Why subject children who haven’t done anything other than have the misfortune of being born to parents in the public eye to such materialistic judgment??
And it’s not the fault of Chris Martin or Gwyneth Paltrow for deciding to have kids.  They try to shelter their kids from all this, but aside from keeping them in a hut in their backyard there really isn’t much they can do to keep these paparazzi vultures away.  So they end up getting their picture taken and plastered in a magazine to be judged by adults to see who wore a coat the best.

Is this really what our society has come to?  Adults who think it makes sense to put children in such a poll?  Or even worse, adults who had no problem answering the poll?

Maybe the Old Testament had it right.  There needs to be a flood.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

Heartbroken?

Hah.

What do I have to be heartbroken about?
30 Rock is back; this week marked the 1 year anniversary for me and my girlfriend; there was a tragic story about a boy flying away in a balloon that turned out to be hilarious; and Jon Gosselin is getting sued by  TLC.
I guess the bad news is that I had to hear about Jon Gosselin again, but heartbreaking?  Not at all.

There are a few movies I’d like to see but can’t because I can’t afford a movie ticket at 9 bucks, not to mention 4 tickets.  And tonight is the fall season finale of Psych.  That’s not dope.

But I am not heartbroken.  There’s nothing fickle or sarcastic enough for me to joke that it’s breaking my heart right now.  Well, the fact that Tina Fey is married is always heartbreaking for me, but that is too close to home.

Yep.  I’m doin’ alright.

I’m just thinking the positivity energy of this blog will attract good things my way.

I’ve got to hand it to people in the marketing industry…they’re crafty.

I just saw a can of chicken broth at the grocery store that said it was 100% Fat Free.
“Fat Free” means there’s no fat.  It’s free of fat.  There’s nothin’.  So are they saying it’s 100% Nothin’?  No.  They mean, 100% of that can doesn’t have any fat.
Why didn’t they just say “0% Fat” then?  Because they probably have some sort of study that shows shoppers like the phrases “Fat Free” and “100%” and they wanted to combine the two to sell the product.

Another bit of marketing that caught my eye was a new Sprint commercial.  They were promoting their new “Anytime, Anyplace, Anywhere, Anyway” plan.
You can call anywhere in the US anytime of the day.  That’s a lot better than those other cell phone plans out there, right?  Yeah, it is…until you realize this is just an unlimited plan not entirely unlike the unlimited plans every cell phone company has.
Nice stroke.  You guys re-branded something that already exists as if it was something new.  And I’m sure it worked.

I always love to see signs for the company “Seattle’s Best.”  Not only are we not in Seattle, but by what standards are they determining that they are the best?  Even if they are the best in Seattle…how do I know they don’t suck compared to the places here?
What if a peach company in Georgia named themselves “Georgia’s Best” and then started selling peaches here?  Yeah, you might be the best in Georgia, but we all know the bar isn’t raised so high there.  (You are NOT the peach state!!)

I don’t like it when commercials are intentionally vague because, “it’s how people talk…and legally we can’t say what someone will save if they switch to us for car insurance.”
I just saw a Nationwide commercial where they said, “You’ll save like 500 bucks.”  Well, I don’t want to save “like” 500 bucks.  I want to save actual 500 bucks.

The worst might be when a company tries too hard to have a funny phrase.

“Our ribs are so good you’ll smack your butt!”  Or “You’ll like our homemade desserts so much you’ll punch your own mother!”

What does that even mean??  And why am I punching my mom just because you have good banana pudding?
“You may have fed me and taken care of me all my life, but your banana pudding sucks, mama!”

My new favorite commercial is the new one for Snuggies!!  They actually show people raising the roof at the beginning of the ad!
Did research suggest that there was a market out there for this?  “I really wish I could raise the roof, but there’s too much blanket on me to do it!  If only I had sleeves.”
Later in the ad they show an elderly couple wearing their Snuggies in a movie theater as the voice over says, “A Snuggie will keep you warm wherever you go!”
Have these people heard about jackets??  They’re just what people have been using to stay warm when they go out for hundreds of years.

The thing is, I will probably see someone in a movie theater wearing a Snuggie now because that’s how commercials work.  Whenever I see that commercial with the singing pepperoni pizza I want to eat pizza with Tabasco sauce.  I’ve never even done that before and I will definitely try it.

You know, all this talk about commercials is making me want to watch TV.

Autotune is the talk box guitar of Hip-Hop.

So T-Pain is like Peter Frampton.  He’ll be big for another year or so, but then he’ll fall off the face of the earth.

Kanye would be Joe Walsh.  He uses it for a couple songs, but not your favorite ones.

So who would be the Kenny Loggins of Hip-Hop?  I’m gonna go with Drake.

I am no Roman Polanski.  I’m not even a Benny Mardones.

If a girl is under the age of 21 I won’t even find her attractive.
I’m 30 right now and I won’t date a girl who isn’t at least 24.  If they’re 23 or 22 they’d have to be really, really amazing for me to consider it.  So I can’t imagine that when I’m in my 40s that I’d want to date a 23 year old.  Even if she is as lovely as Emmy Rossum.

But what I really can’t imagine is how someone as unattractive and as 45 years old as Adam Duritz is able to date 23 year old Emmy Rossum.

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20310985,00.html

I get why he’d want to date her.  She’s lovely.  Even if she is 22 years his junior.  But what in the hell is she smoking?  Did she light up one of his dreads and start puffing away?
I bet you could get real high off that hair…this from the person who hasn’t done drugs before.

Either way, the dude is messing up the scales.  Unattractive men dating highly attractive women are giving unattractive guys the wrong kind of hope.
The fat jerk walking down the street will not get the Emmy Rossum of his town…but now he thinks he can.
The nice, really good looking guy who is too modest to think he could get her doesn’t.  But it’s the fat jerks who always go for her so now she thinks that’s all she can get.  And she settles for the fat jerk who will cheat on her because now he’s thinking, “If I can get her who else can I get?!”

In the mean time, I’m stuck with not only having to compete with better looking guys for the Emmy Rossum’s of the world, but also the fat jerks of the world…who are also Grammy nominated.

I still blame Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox.  If they hadn’t given him the idea that he could date hot women this wouldn’t be happening.  Thanks.  Thanks.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

I’m noticing that a lot of movies these days have “3D” next to the main title.

My Bloody Valentine 3D, The Final Destiantion 3D, even a Jonas Brother movie was inexplicably in 3D.  Monsters Vs. Aliens and Up were both in 3D and Disney just remade Toy Story and Toy Story 2 into 3D movies just to turn a buck.  And it sorta worked!

It’s like 3D is the new “Tyler Perry.”
It would be huge if he got in on this new trend.  You know you want to see “Tyler Perry’s Madea in 3D.”  Or the sequel to his recent hit “I Can Do 3D All By Myself.”

This new craze really is working, though.  It’s getting butts in the seats.  Which gets me thinkin’, I’ve been having a hard time looking for work.  Maybe I need to spruce up my resume with the new “It” buzzword and put “3D” as one of my skills.

“I self-start in 3D!”
“3D communication skills.”
“Like America I run on Dunkin, but I do it in 3D.”

It could work.  I could even make the resume 3D and give out those red and blue glasses so people could read it.

The words will jump right off the page.

You saw that coming.