How My Heart is Breaking This Week
I missed two show that I love this weekend; Conan and the premiere of SNL.
If you haven’t heard, Friday night’s episode of The Tonight Show was canceled because Conan hit his head during a stunt and couldn’t continue with the show.
Why couldn’t Carlos Mencia hit his head before taping every episode of Mind of Mencia? I don’t know…it’s God’s way of punishing us for our sins maybe?
Regardless, the show did not go on. That I could handle since Conan got hurt, but it was too bad to miss another episode. What upset me more was missing the season premiere of SNL with Megan Fox and my all-time favorite band…U2.
Thanks a lot South Carolina weather. Due to your stupid rain storms which happen all the time, but yet still don’t provide us with enough rain according to every weatherman, my electricity got knocked out.
I know I can watch the full episode online at some point. It’s not the same, though.
For one, I’m not thrilled about watching TV on my computer monitor. Secondly, the show starts off with someone saying, “LIVE from New York it’s SATURDAY night” for a reason and I’m pretty sure that reason is NOT because I’m watching the show Monday afternoon.
So thanks. I missed my shows. You stink.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
Gossip Hurl
How stupid are people?
I don’t think there is a way to measure that, but if there was it would be based on whoever believes this story:
Justin Timberlake Secretly Dating Rihanna
Dumbest part: “That blind item about which two pop stars made sweet music together, the girl giving the guy a lapdance is Rihanna and JT! It was at 10ak in NYC and they left together. They are seeing each other on the low!”
Lemme let you in on something, “unnamed source.” If two people go to a popular club in New York City and one gives the other a lap dance THEN IT’S NOT ON THE LOW.
Do these people have any idea what low is? “Low” could be things that are low to the ground like the gutter, which is where they found this story. Low could also be reporting dirt and gossip as if it’s true.
The people who report this stuff are pretty stupid, but the people who believe it are even dumber.
Welp, have fun driving, everyone, because these people are out on the roads too!
If I Were a Late Night Talk Show Host
A man in California is accused of trading his dad’s car in for $50 worth of crack cocaine. His lawyer plans to argue that since it was a Chevy Cobalt, it was actually a pretty good deal.
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After winning an Emmy last night, actress Kristin Chenoweth had to be treated by paramedics for a migraine. So I wasn’t the only one who got a headache listening to her speak.
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A man in Florida was arrested for driving his motorcycle naked. The man’s prison nickname? “Crotch rocket.”
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Speaking of naked guys in Florida, a naked 91 year old man held an intruder at gunpoint outside of his home until police arrived. Police say the man used a .45, but it was cold out so really a .22.
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A dad in Connecticut punched a man at a middle school open house last week. He then took his lunch money. Witnesses say the fight started over who would get to take Jenny to the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance.
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The 2009 World Burrito Eating contest was held on Friday. The winner ate 33 1/2 burritos to win the contest. The losers? Anyone in a 30 mile radius of where the man lives.
It took him 10 minutes to eat 33 burritos. And 10 seconds to get rid of them.
How My Heart Is Breaking This Week
Looking for a job has been really tough lately. It’s one thing not to find good work on Craigslist. You almost expect to see listings for housekeepers who are willing to work in the nude on that site. What gets me is finding bogus jobs on legitimate sites like Monster or Careerbuilder.
Am I the only one that thinks it’s strange that someone can post a bogus job listing on a website that is entirely designed to deceive you.
Why is it legal to tell people they can make $95k in 24 hours just because you bury a link on the homepage to a legal page that basically says, “BTW, no you won’t?”
And it’s not like the legal jargon is clear. They don’t say, “I’m totally making all of this up just to get you to give me 25 bucks for a ‘starter kit’ that won’t get you anywhere. And if you do make money with this scheme then you’re not only a genius for figuring out how, but you are also $.02 richer because that’s about all you’re gonna make with this thing.” Instead they have a long-winded shpeel that you can’t understand, but is basically telling you, “This ain’t real dork. We’re scheming you. Now you can’t sue us.”
If I wrote you a note telling you that I was going to rob you I would be in jail, but because this is under the guise of an actual business deal they can get away with it.
I understand and am glad things like “Buyer Beware” exist because dumb asses will sue a shoe company in a minute if their shoes don’t make them jump higher. It’s protection from stupid people…we need a lot of that.
You sit and wait for a response to that the “Data Entry” position or that “Office Assistant” position you applied for. You wondering whether or not you’d get it and why it’s taking them so long to get back to you. Then you check your spam box just in case it was accidentally sent there and you see the response! But when you click on the email you see it was all just a scheme. The 9th one this week. Great. Bills are due and this was another bogus job that seemed real.
Thanks a lot job market. You’re a biggity bitch.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.
How Your Heart is Breaking Last Week
People are kinda stupid.
Let me back up. The VMAs were last night.
Either people are extremely gullible and think Kanye’s outburst was real and not staged like I think it is. Or people think his outburst was the equivalent of drop kicking Taylor Swift.
This is what happened. Taylor Swift won an award. Kanye ran on stage and interrupted her to say…
“Taylor, I’m happy you won” which is actually a compliment and, “but Beyonce made one of the best music videos ever.” Another compliment.
Tactless? Yes.
Over the top? Yes. As much as his newest hairstyle, but not quite as much as the several outfit changes Lady Gaga went through JUST TO SIT IN THE AUDIENCE.
Lady Gaga went from looking like a crow was trying to swallow her to looking like she was in a fight with some drapes and they won to looking like she fell on a porcupine.
Nobody complained about that though.
Was this really that big of a deal? No.
But that hasn’t stopped Kelly Clarkson, Pink or Katy Perry from acting like Kanye waterboarded the girl.
People are saying “Kanye West is the biggest piece of $#@% in the world.” Really? You do realize that Osama Bin Laden is still out there, right? You are aware that Scott Stapp is in this world, don’t you? Bin Laden just orchestrated the worst attack on American soil, but if you interrupt Taylor Swift you have crossed the line!!
I’m not saying he wasn’t tactless. He was. It was Taylor’s moment and she’ll never get it back. I suppose her wads of cash and her infinite blessings won’t be able to comfort her.
Here’s my thing though…if this was real why didn’t MTV do something sooner? Did they think this was Kanye’s first time at an award show? Did they not anticipate something like this since he’s done it before??
How do you not keep someone by him to make sure he doesn’t run on stage? Or sit him really far in the back of the auditorium?
So I go back to my original point…people are kinda stupid.
Who’s a Purple Nurple?
The headline reads, “I Despise Kate.”
This is a quote from Jon Gosselin about his wife Kate Gosselin from “Jon and Kate Plus 8.” Cute title, ugly life. We saw her brow beat him for seasons. She is annoying.
So he despises her, that we can agree on. But that is probably the only thing because he thinks it’s a good idea to publicly say something like that about the mother of his children, while I think it is a horrible idea and detrimental to his family. Hate her or not, she’s connected to you through your 8 kids and however many years of marriage.
Divorce is tough on kids, and when it’s public and nasty then it’s compounded significantly. So these 8 kids are gonna go through hell. They already have gone through hell, I suppose. Considering they were being filmed all day and had to live with Jon and Kate Gosselin who were also their parents. Can you imagine the horror that must be?
So good job, Jon. Now your kids can hear daddy say he DESPISES mommy. That’s worse than wearing t-shirts that look like they’re pajamas.
You are an idiot.
The real issue I have now is knowing who I would more like to shut up, Jon Gosselin or Levi Johnston. Seriously, Levi, nobody cares about you and you keep talking about the person we’re tired of hearing about.
Who’s a purple nurple? You’re a purple nurple. Please go away.
How My Heart is Breaking This Week
I’m disappointed.
I’ve been excited for weeks about making a 90s playlist. I haven’t been in the mood to be nostalgic about the 90s until I realized how long ago it was. I mean, it was ending 10 years ago!
So I was gonna go all out…but not too all out – Mambo No. 5 would not be making this list. I wanted all the rap, the grunge, even songs I made fun of back then like Barely Breathing.
I used to joke that all of Duncan Sheik’s songs sounded like Barely Breathing until I realized I had just been hearing Barely Breathing a lot.
It just so happened that I got this nostalgic feeling to call Biggie “Big Poppa” around the time I saw that Vitamin Water was giving away a free single on Amazon for each bottle you bought. It was a great idea because I loved the flavor that was a part of this promotion and I love free stuff.
Here’s what happened though, I bought over $17 worth of songs. I redeemed my caps, saved em up to get my playlist together, knew they were on my Amazon account. The I finally got my playlist together. Now it was time to download.
I go to the site to start downloading and see that the money I had accrued was no longer on my account. What? I inquired about it. Apparently the promotion is over.
Ok. I knew it would end…but I redeemed these caps. The money was on my account.
It WAS. They took it all out of my account though.
What a way to damper my fun. Thanks, Amazon. Now I know how women in the 90s felt when George Michael came out of the closet. They felt like the rug was taken off from under them. I always wondered why women were surprised…just watch the video for “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.” What straight man would do that?
I shouldn’t be surprised either, I guess. It’s not new to big business to use shady tactics and fine print to get a quick buck from consumers.
But the real disappointment is that there won’t be any flava in my ear. I won’t know how it feels to be Tom Petty. I won’t be telling a girl she needs a man like Ralph Tresvant a man with S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-I-T-Y. I won’t be too sexy for my shirt. I won’t have to let it linger. No shooping. No thanking my mother for a butt like this. But I did get sabotaged.
And that is how my heart is breaking this week.