How My Heart is Breaking This Week

Eric Dane, you McSon-of-a-bitch.

This non-sex tape, but totally weird, drugged out, nude-time tape you made with your wife Rebecca “The Noxema Girl” Gayheart and some girl who lost her Miss Teen USA crown for posing in Playboy has ruined the Noxema girl for me.

I’m trying to recreate fond memories of the 1990’s by making a playlist of 90’s songs.  The Noxema girl was a fond memory of the 90’s for me.  Thanks for tarnishing that.  I can never look at her the same again.
I even overlooked her vehicular manslaughter from years ago, but now I’m starting to worry she was high when that accident happened.  Thanks for being another one of the geniuses in Hollywood who thought they could make a weird tape and that it would never get out.

Also, thanks Mindy McCready for being a huge druggie and leaking the tape.  That’s a double whammy of a heart breaking.

Oh but it doesn’t end there.  Who’s the Boss? star Alyssa Milano is now showing us Who’s the Bitch.  Evidently it’s me, because I blubbered like one when I heard you got married.  I even considered becoming a baseball player just to get a date with you.

And just when it couldn’t get any worse, Scrubs star Sarah Chalke is expecting her first child this winter.  What a wonderful time in your life, Sarah.  Congrats.  You do know what this means, right?  Yep.  You’re marriage is solid.  So no other guy will ever have a chance with you.  Wonderful.  And I thought I was your “JD.”
Alas, I am just a scrub.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

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