How My Heart is Breaking This Week

Damn you, Merlot.  Damn you, Cab Sav.

How can I ever enjoy you again when all I’ll ever think about when I drink you is the sad news I got this week.  I love my red wine.  Red, red wine.
You make me feel so fine.  You keep me rocking all of the time.

Oh, the irony.  The one thing that could help my broken heart is the one thing that’ll remind me of it.
Let me explain.

Anne Hathaway visited wine country with her boyfriend this week.

I didn’t visit any wine country this week.

Conclusion: I’m not Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

Who’s a Purple Nurple?

Douche-on-douche fights are tough because you never know who to pull for.

Socialite Brody Jenner and “Girls Gone Wild” creator Joe Francis got into a bar fight yesterday that ended with one of them being tased.

We’ve gotten a lot of bad news this year, but that is pretty good news.  The only thing that would’ve made it better is if BOTH had gotten tased.

What makes me actually want to pull for Brody, which is very hard considering he’s got a douche-tastic name like BRODY, is that the fight started because Joe Douche-A-Lot beat up Brodouchalish’s girlfriend.

Big surprise the guy who created “Girls Gone Wild” has so little respect for women that he’d beat one.  When you think about it, what he’s done to the perception of women might actually be worse than what he did to Brody’s girl.  Both are pretty battered and bruised thanks to him.

A guy this skeevy makes you want to take a shower and get an AIDS test just when you hear his name.

Nothing has symbolized the spiral down the drain our society’s decency has taken more than those damn “Girls Gone Wild” videos.  Each time you look into the sad eyes of the girls in those commercials you see America die a little inside.

Can we get someone to picket that crap?  It’s truly killing our society by slowing suffocating women’s will to live and succeed.
How do you think this stuff makes women feel when the only other series with “Gone Wild” in the title is “Animals Gone Wild?”  Think about that.

So, who is a purple nurple on our society?  Who is the twisted and bruised useless piece of flesh that has caused a noticeable blemish on society’s body?

That’d be you, Joe Francis, you raging douche bag.

I can only hope the next “Girls Gone Wild” is a video series of strong women across the world finding you and beating you as much as you’ve visually and now physically beat our women.

The Age Old Question

We all know Ryan Reynolds is one pretty dude.

I mean, seriously.

We get it, Ryan.  For the sake of us dude, at least stop grooming your chest hair.  You don’t need to be THAT far ahead.

Emerging this summer as another ultra pretty boy is Bradley Cooper.  With his dazzling everything.

Which brings up the obvious question.  HOW DO I DO THAT??  Stop holding the secret!

I must know what I need to do to get that damn pretty.  Just once in my life I want to be that pretty so I can go to my next high school reunion and let my smile give the middle finger to every girl who was a jerk to me.

Seriously, is there any way to be prettier than these guys?

Oh.  Hey, Taye Diggs.

Man, I gotta get back in the gym.

How My Heart is Breaking This Week

Eric Dane, you McSon-of-a-bitch.

This non-sex tape, but totally weird, drugged out, nude-time tape you made with your wife Rebecca “The Noxema Girl” Gayheart and some girl who lost her Miss Teen USA crown for posing in Playboy has ruined the Noxema girl for me.

I’m trying to recreate fond memories of the 1990’s by making a playlist of 90’s songs.  The Noxema girl was a fond memory of the 90’s for me.  Thanks for tarnishing that.  I can never look at her the same again.
I even overlooked her vehicular manslaughter from years ago, but now I’m starting to worry she was high when that accident happened.  Thanks for being another one of the geniuses in Hollywood who thought they could make a weird tape and that it would never get out.

Also, thanks Mindy McCready for being a huge druggie and leaking the tape.  That’s a double whammy of a heart breaking.

Oh but it doesn’t end there.  Who’s the Boss? star Alyssa Milano is now showing us Who’s the Bitch.  Evidently it’s me, because I blubbered like one when I heard you got married.  I even considered becoming a baseball player just to get a date with you.

And just when it couldn’t get any worse, Scrubs star Sarah Chalke is expecting her first child this winter.  What a wonderful time in your life, Sarah.  Congrats.  You do know what this means, right?  Yep.  You’re marriage is solid.  So no other guy will ever have a chance with you.  Wonderful.  And I thought I was your “JD.”
Alas, I am just a scrub.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

Are You There, God? Tell Brad You Are.

Everybody seems worked up over Brad Pitt’s comments about his being an atheist.
My initial reaction was, “So you think you just got that pretty without the help of God, you irrestible bitch?”
After calming down and accepting my own looks (you’re like a young Taye Diggs, Jason.  Taye.  Diggs), my reaction was, “Ok.  Big whoop.  So he doesn’t believe in God.”

Ultimately it shouldn’t matter to me.  And it doesn’t.  That’s something that has absolutely nothing to do with me.  Every one has their own walk.

I’m a believer.  If for nothing else than dichotomy.  There has to be good and evil in the world.
There’s clearly evil in the world, how else do you think “Who Let the Dog’s Out” got made?

If Brad Pitt doesn’t believe and isn’t spreading hate (which he hasn’t except for when he made Benjamin Button) why should I care?  I want to know why believers care so much?

Do they think if people don’t believe that it will change God’s existence?

“If we all just believe then he’ll be real!”

What?  He’s not Santa Claus.  This isn’t Peter Pan.  It’s not gonna change God’s existence even if billions of people don’t believe.

I guess some people are just afraid that God really doesn’t exist, and in that case – you need to work on your own faith and stop worrying about Brad Pitt.  The dude is with Angelina Jolie and a wad of cash. He’s doing just fine for now.

I know some of you will say, “But that isn’t as good as Heaven.”  Granted, the Angelina/cash package might be the game show consolation prize equivalent to missing out on heaven.  The winner gets to go on a cruise to the Bahamas, but the losers won’t leave empty handed.  They’ll go home with a Frigidaire.

But hey, that’s a pretty nice fridge.

Frank You, Very Much

Barney Frank has been upgraded from Looney Toons character to Cool Looney Toons character.

But come on, Barney, you don’t get a figure like that because you don’t like to talk to a dining room table.

In all seriousness, it is very true (and should be very obvious) that comparing President Obama or President Bush to Hitler is tremendously insulting to those who went through the horror that was the Holocaust.  It is despicable to compare people to Hitler if they aren’t perpetrating mass genocide, but it also diminishes the atrocities committed by the Nazis on innocent people.

These idiots at these town hall meetings are actually going to compare a health care plan to the Holocaust?  And then expect to be treated like a normal person?

Here’s a tip:  When you make stupid comments people will automatically treat you like you’re stupid.
Here’s why:  Because you are!

I know we all enjoy the Constitutional right to express our views about our country freely.  That doesn’t mean we should be misinformed and not know when to shut the hell up.

How My Heart is Breaking This Week

Stupid parents are…well, I’ve already said it, stupid.

I’ve long said that stupid people are ruining our country.  Think about it, every single warning you see on products is because some dumb person tried whatever it is the label is warning against.

And I know what you’re thinking, “But, Jason.  That would be a good thing cause now the warning is out.”  I don’t think it is a good thing for two reasons.  1) The stuff people are doing with electronics or bottles or cans are clearly not the kind of activity the object was intended for.  2) Survival of the fittest.  If you warn people out stuff we don’t get to weed out all the dumb people.

Wanna fix health care?  Get rid of all the dumb people.  Then there would be far less ER visits.  Hospitals could be more efficient because there’d be less patients.

Well, now dumb people have gone and broken my heart.  Usually, they just anger me.  This incident I’m about to describe still angers me, but it also makes me feel bad for the kids of these parents.

I went to see this new R rated movie called District 9.  I think it’s not a bad movie.  Here’s the thing though…it’s REALLY violent.  People are shot and exploded with alien weaponry.  It’s gory stuff.  I didn’t necessarily know it would be this gory going in but I knew it wasn’t kid friendly.

Why?

BECAUSE THE MOVIE IS RATED R!  Just like Ralph Tresvant.

So imagine my surprise when I see an adorable little girl walking in with her adorable Teddy Bear and her mother who was about as intelligent as that Teddy Bear, but without the cuteness.  Seriously, lady?  You think this movie is appropriate?

To me, that is far worse than letting a kid play video games all day.  But, that’s stupid too.

At the end of the movie I saw that there was a 2nd kid with this family.  He looked about 5.  So…these parents are stupid.  And those kids are fighting an uphill battle, because let’s face it – how well can stupid people raise kids?

Stupid parents, TRIX are for kids…not violent movies.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

I Hate Stephen Stills

You shouldn’t heed advice from pat, trite phrases.

I’m talking phrases like “Better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all.”

If love is that good then losing it should be the worst thing to ever happen to you.  Much worse than never knowing love.
There were times when I wasn’t “in love.”  I was FINE.  Being heartbroken lasts.  It stays with you.  Love merely existing can’t overcome losing something that amazing.
And the people who say stuff like this say it with this air of self-awareness that they’re saying something that is sooo “profound.”
It took a crabby old Tommy Lee Jones in Men In Black for me to realize this is just some stupid phrase that, for some reason, caught on and now everyone says it as if it actually means anything.

I also hate “All’s fair in love and war.”
Actually, no.  No it isn’t.  There are rules in war.  Ever heard of Rules of Engagement?  Well, I’ve never seen that movie, but there are still rules in war.  You can’t just do anything.  So don’t try to make excuses as to why you should steal your best friend’s girl just because of some misinformed idea that all is fair in war and therefor it is the same in love.
What the hell do those things even have to do with one another?
Screw you, John Lyly.

Another trite phrase is the chorus of one of my least favorite songs.
Stephen Stills’ “Love the One You’re With.”
He sings, “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one your with.  Dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, dit dit dit, dit dit dit.”

I hate this song.

It is probably one of the worst bits of advice I’ve ever heard, too.  It’s basically telling people to settle in their love life and live a lie by faking love for their partner.
That should go well.
At least it’s not telling you to just cheat.  The song could suggest, “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, do it with someone else.”  But it doesn’t have the same ring to it.

All I’m saying is, don’t turn to trite phrases that are meant to be cutesy for advice.  It’ll be bad advice.

I suppose I could’ve shortened this blog if I had just written, “Don’t listen to Dr. Phil.”  Oh well.

How My Heart is Breaking This Week

I live in South Carolina.  The place where careers apparently go to die.  Note: Steve Spurrier and now Governor Sanford.

As someone who dreams of being a comedy writer, you’d think I would be happy to have my finger on the pulse of comedy gold.

We have guys doing it with horses, idiotic beauty pageant contestants, black guys who want to celebrate the Civil War (maybe he wants to celebrate that the South lost, setting his ancestors free?) and we have a philandering governor with the creative writing wits of a horny 12 year old boy…so basically the target audience of most Judd Apatow movies.

Wait.  Does that make me a horny 12 year old boy?  Scratch that last part.

Despite being rout with these gifts of comedy gold, each time some new “Man Bites Prostitute Dog” story comes out here I find myself more upset than giddy with creative glee.
I don’t know why I’m suddenly surprised at all of these stories.  We do welcome people into Gaffney, SC with a giant butt in the sky.

“No, it’s just a peach.”
“But you’re not the peach state.”
“We produce more peaches than Georgia!  Why Georgia, why?!”

I think that’s what John Mayer’s song is actually about.

Get ready people, because once again we will be the butt of every joke on every late night comedy show.  Every show except SC native Stephen Colbert, who is so proud of the state he has the same initials.

In the news again is Governor Mark Sanford, because he and his wife have decided to split up.  Expect plenty of jokes on the Tonight Show about that tonight.

So this is the straw that broke the camel’s heart this week.  And I can only blame the Governor.  No one can blame Jenny Sanford.  I find her to be a beacon of strength.  Governor Sanford on the other hand is a beacon of douchebaggery.  Let’s just hope he doesn’t attract Jon Gosselin and Spencer Pratt to our state.

The worst part of this is that the four boys will be leaving their schools in Columbia to attend school in Charleston.  As any child of a divorced family knows, that is probably the toughest part.
Leaving friends you’ve made to become the new kid is hard enough when your family isn’t well known.  When your dad is commonly known as the biggest moron in the U.S., it makes assimilating into a new life rather difficult.

People in South Carolina are plenty mad about this.  The whole deal is awful, but what gets me is the lack of vitriol about affairs BEFORE people commit them.

I live down the street from the location of an annual event called Fall for Greenville.  At this event, people picket using anti-gay rhetoric that not only misrepresents Biblical scripture but also the heart of a Christian.
I know people think Fall for Greenville is gay, but come on guys – this is an event with live music and food.  It’s the taste of Greenville, if you will.  Why are you peppering our city with hate?  Because gay marriage is tearing up communities and families?

Let’s not get into a debate about whether or not it is, but let me point out that there is a lack of disgust for extramarital affairs.  And frankly, that scares me.
Why are we focusing so much energy on that?   Shouldn’t we be more outspoken about cheating on your spouse while spitting in the face of the sanctity of marriage which in turn tears your family apart?
Shouldn’t we be trying to keep our communities from experiencing something that is far too common and what the first family is now dealing with?

And for it to happen in such a bitter and public way.

His affair is having its impact on our state, but that pales in comparison to what those kids and what Jenny Sanford is going through.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

Diplomatic Immunity

Finally!  We have good needs coming from North Korea.  Laura Ling and Euna Lee, two journalists imprisoned in North Korea who were facing a 12 year sentence, are going to be released per former President Bill Clinton’s request.

US Journalists Released

The situation had upset many, particularly journalists and anyone with half a soul, because the circumstances seemed bogus.  So we’re all glad they’ll be back – safe and sound.

Now we can get to other important matters.  Like Beyonce Vs. Lady Gaga at the VMAs!!  Did you hear they’re both nominated for 9 awards??  BOTH?!?

Who will win!?

How many outfits do you think Lady Gaga will go through that night?  I’m gonna go with 27.  Not only because it’s my lucky number, but 27 is also a low number for her outfit changes on any given day.

I honestly don’t think I know what she looks like.  Not because I’m not familiar with her, but because she changes her look so much.  I don’t think I’d recognize Lady Gaga if I saw her on the street in her everyday clothes.  Then again, her “everyday” clothes involve 5lbs of make-up, 30 aluminum cans, 12 trash bags and the hair of an entire horse.

But yeah.  Thanks, Bill Clinton.