Month: July 2009

Us Weekly reported that Jennifer Aniston is looking to date younger men.

And that’s how my heart is unbreaking this week.

Ok, so the report was in regards to a new romantic comedy.  I’m pretty sure John Mayer screwed the pooch on her ever dating a young guy.  He at least screwed the pooch in that he didn’t do everything in his power to continue dating her.

Who am I kidding, I love you, John Mayer.

The only thing I need to do is GET IN THAT MOVIE AS THE LOVE INTEREST.  Who are they gonna cast?  Seth Rogen?  Does he really need to give Entourage more of an opportunity to trash him for dating hotter women in his movies than he can conceivably get?

Go with some untapped talent, Aniston!  I won’t be expensive to hire either.  $500,000.  That’s barely what other actors make.  Let’s make this happen.  I’m your lobster.

In a recent interview with PEOPLE magazine, Jon Gosselin said he was just a “regular guy.”  I didn’t know the “regular guy” standard was set so low and douchey.  What does that make the characters on “Entourage?”  Slightly less douche bagged?

Seriously, what “regular guy” wears this shirt?

Hey, Jon, the cast of Cats called.  They said you look like an idiot.

In the same interview Jon Gosselin said his new girlfriend “loves me for who I am and not what I do.”

So, ladies, if she can love him for who he is, surely you can love your boyfriend for playing XBox all day and arguing that Axe is a substitute for bathing because it’s like Lysol for the body.

Seriously, could someone tell me what he does exactly?  Other than being enough of an ass-clown to give people like me endless opportunities to make fun of him?

The only thing I can do now is ask how I never noticed this before?  My guess is that Kate Gosselin was such a jerkface that it overshadowed his douche baggery.
That takes talent.  Kudos to you, Kate.  It’s the one thing I can compliment you on.  That and having the ability to make me immediately hate anyone I see with your hairstyle.

Let’s hope the apples fall far, far from the tree.

Justin Timberlake is living my dream.

That’s right, JT.  You’re doing all the things I want to do.  You’re what some call a octuple threat.  You know; singing, dancing, acting, initials for a nickname having, adorably curly hair having, dating most desired girl-ing, saving babies from wells, saving babies from whales.

Pretty much all of these characteristics are exhibited in this video:

And it doesn’t end there.  You not only get to be on SNL, my lifelong dream, but the Emmy nominations were just announced and you got THREE.  Two of which had to do with your SNL appearances.  You even got to be on the premiere of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

You’re doing everything I want to do!  Even remaining unscathed after the Super Bowl controversy and The Love Guru.  Those were on my bucket list!

I guess my dreams did come true, just not for me.  Thanks, Justin Timberlake.

And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

Say, do you do the “Make a Wish Foundation?”  Cause this broken heart you’ve caused is life-threatening. Can you grant me this wish…can I get a date with Jessica Biel?

No?  Ok.

The editor and chief of Us Weekly is leaving the magazine after 6 years.  See, they are just like us.  They’re out of work too.

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Former Apprentice winner, Randall Pinkett, had a press conference to say he had interest in being the New Jersey Lt. Governor, but added that he hadn’t been asked to run by the state’s Governor.
Is that the way you get jobs now?  Just say you want it even if no one’s asked you to take it?  Well then, if asked, I will be Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend.  HINT-HINT.

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Police in NY arrested a teenager for setting his BMW on fire.  The teen says he did it because “he hated it.”  Oh, and because he’s effing crazy.
His parents say they had to keep replacing their TVs the season Taylor Hicks was on American Idol.

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A couple of guys in Miami decided to leave the body of a dead shark in the middle of the street after failing to sell the shark to a few vendors.  Sarah Palin called it a job well done.

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It’s being reported that a woman in Florida was arrested for leaving her 2 grandkids in the car while she gambled on slot machines.  President Obama was overheard saying, “That’s not a bad healthcare plan.”

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A Guinness World record was set after a company in Minnesota made a 151 pound cupcake.  In a related story, a Guinness World record was set after Kirstie Alley made a 151 pound cupcake disappear.

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A nude man who was arrested in Nebraska says that he stripped naked in a city park because he was hot, but then couldn’t find his clothes.  Also lost that day; his dignity.

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So they’re making a movie based on the online videogame World of Warcraft.  I hear it’s gonna be 16 hours long and you’ll lose all your friends while watching it.

A pattern is forming.  Girls like to break my heart.

“What kind of girls,” you ask?  Girls.  The ones that are girls.  Those ones.

Every guy likes a girl who is pretty, but I am what scientists call “not a bastard” so I like a girl who is very smart as well.  So one could imagine the disappointment I felt when I read the news that Ivanka Trump, Donald Trump’s lovely daughter, was engaged!

On top of that, the shiksa is converting to judaism because her fiance’ is Jewish.

I don’t have a problem with that, I love Jewish people and think people should recognize the vast similarities among Jews and Blacks.  Just look at Al Jolson in The Jazz Singer.
The problem with her conversion is that it shows how serious this relationship is.  I have no hope!

I know some people will want to criticize her name or say she’s kinda weird looking, but they’re just haters.  Fellas, challah if you hear me – the girl is beautiful and has brains that match it.

That guy hit the jackpot while my heart is leaving Las Vegas Nicolas Cage style…dying under a writhing Elisabeth Shue.  Thanks world.  I’m fired.

And that is why my heart is breaking this week.

Now I know how Jim Halpert felt.

Do you remember when Jim on “The Office” professed his love for a then engaged Pam Beesly?  Remember how that sucker punch felt when she told him she just wanted to be friends, and that tear?  That single tear down Jim’s face?

The real-life Pam, Jenna Fischer, is engaged, folks.  Engaged!!  To some dude that looks like McG.  This is worse than the day I found out that Janet Jackson was once married to someone from DeBarge.
I could never dance to the beat of the rhythm of the night after that.  How will I leave my worries all behind?!?

Matters were only made worse when the wedding of American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi was also announced this week.
Kara, who gave us all a vision of love on the season finale this year, actually broke my heart twice.  Most guys were thrilled when Fox announced that this new, attractive lady would be on TV.  The very next day there were reports that she just got engaged.  And who could blame the guy for locking that up quickly?  He realized he needed to get a ring on that finger before she got too famous.  Smart move, but it cost me my unshattered heart.

So now this; a one-two punch straight to the gut.  Two lovely ladies get hitched…to other dudes.  Let’s shed it all together, fellas.

Single tear.

And this is how my heart is breaking this week.

Apparently a former Georgia mayor wanted to help SC Governor Mark Sanford with his controversy.

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20090627/D9933GQG0.html

The only problem was that he didn’t say, “I’ve been waiting for Mark Sanford so we could go nude hiking.  Where is he?”

Too little, too late, sir.

A writer for the Associated Press asked today, “Is Twitter the News Source of the 21st Century?”  This is a response to seemingly everyone hearing about the recent deaths of celebrities on Twitter.

I’m still holding out on seeing my all-time most desired trending topic, “Spiedi Spontaneously Combust,” but that doesn’t mean I want to get my news from Twitter.

Can you imagine how awful it would be to only get your news from tweets?  There is only so much you can say in 140 characters and I don’t want to read headlines like “Prez rsts opstn on mlprtc cps.”  What does that even mean??

And shouldn’t news be accurate and important?  Granted, legitimate news outlets get stuff wrong and have questionable standards for what is newsworthy but “Twitter News” would make Leeza Gibbons look like the messenger of God himself.

If Twitter was the only place people were getting their news then there would be people walking around right now thinking that Jeff Goldblum is dead.

Just think about this first, 21st Century.  Is Shaq’s ramblings really a news story?

“Wit love like all the twitterers show me, I don’t want no enemys Love you all.”
-An Actual Tweet of Shaq’s

Seriously.  What the hell does that even mean??