Oh Jennifer Aniston.
America’s true sweetheart. (Eat it, Betty White!)
I read the sad, sad news that you and Bradley Cooper went out on a date.
Why? Cause of his inability to shave? I rarely shave. I have scruff. I look good in scruff!
I guess I’m just upset because I saw it becoming more an more logical that you’d date me. With your dating younger guys like John Mayer and that underwear model people linked you to.
But Bradley Cooper?
Has Bradley Cooper had a crush on you for 17 years? Did Bradley Cooper go see Leprechaun in the theater solely because you were in it?
And honestly, I think you owe me a dinner for that one. Yes, a dinner with you would be worth losing a piece of my soul for having sat through Leprechaun.
Are you dating the bad guy from Wedding Crashers just to get back at Vince?
Honestly, what has Bradley Cooper done but blow it with Jennifer Esposito? Seriously, does this guy have to be with TWO of my dream girls? What’s next, he’ll go out with Betty White? (All is forgiven, Betty)
I just can’t believe this guy gets to go out with my dream girl just because he was in The Hangover. He could be a one hit wonder with that, it’s not like they can make a conceivable sequel.
And I always accepted you for who you are. I never thought you needed to get a nose job.
I’m just saying, I saw Leprechaun in the theater for you. That movie was terrible and I still sat through it cause you were in it.
But no, my chivalry and unconditional love for Jennifer Aniston has gone unappreciated and unrequited.
And this is how my heart is breaking this week.