Month: June 2009

It’s pretty obvious how just about anyone’s heart is breaking this week.  It’s been one crazy news cycle.

National news stories started with the fickle stories we are usually subjected to like Perez Hilton complaining that he called a guy a “faggot” or Jon and Kate (who I still consider fickle because those people are pathetic).
Then we had the realization that we are that much closer to losing an amazing generation when we heard about the passing of Ed McMahon.
Things were brought home for South Carolinians when our Governor finally came home and announced he hadn’t been faithful to his wife and was off gallivanting with his mistress on taxpayer money.
Then, in one day, we lost two icons.  One, 70’s sex symbol Farrah Fawcett; the other, music icon Michael Jackson.

The saddest part may be the tragedy that filled the end of these figures’ lives.  Fawcett’s son was in jail and she died after a long battle with cancer.  Ed McMahon was having financial woes and had many health issues making this last year a very difficult one for him.  And Michael Jackson, just 50 years old, dies under mysterious conditions.  His life ended with his name and career being severely tarnished by claims of highly inappropriate and illegal acts, bankruptcy and strange behavior.  He died without his “comeback” moment which so many were hopeful would turn his career and his financial situation around.

The plan was to do “How My Heart is Breaking This Week” every week but it seems all too obvious this week.  My planned blog about Ryan Reynolds’ Entertainment Weekly cover won’t work next week.  That pretty bastard will escape my comedic take on my personal heartbreak this week.  I’m sure he’ll be unreasonably attractive some other time.

I just don’t have a joke this week.  My childhood hero is gone.

Do yourself a favor and listen to the Jackson 5’s “I Wanna Be Where You Are” so you can know how giant that whole MJ left is.  And that is how my heart is breaking this week.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has admitted to having an affair.  This news comes as a surprise because is he the closest living incarnate of Andy Taylor anybody has ever seen.  It also comes on the heels of a “Where is Waldo” like search for the Governor.  No one seemed to know where he was.

Some said they saw him at the Atlanta airport, some say they saw him in Greenville but his staff said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail.  Which, coincidentally was the same weekend as Nude Hiking Day.

Now we know he was having an affair in South America.  Or maybe ending the affair.  Who knows.  What we do know is that this is way worse than what was being speculated.

It would honestly be better if he had been “nude hiking” instead of being on the nude trail he was on.

You could twist this to being a good thing and say, “Hey, at least South Carolinians aren’t the only ones getting screwed by the Governor,” but even that was outsourced overseas.

Well, congrats, fellow South Carolinians.  Now this can be added to the list of Embarrassing Things about South Carolina.
It would rank somewhere between trying to secede from the Union and losing “the Peach State” moniker to Georgia but maybe not as high as Edwin McCain.

Oh Jennifer Aniston.

America’s true sweetheart. (Eat it, Betty White!)

I read the sad, sad news that you and Bradley Cooper went out on a date.

Why?  Cause of his inability to shave?  I rarely shave.  I have scruff.  I look good in scruff!
I guess I’m just upset because I saw it becoming more an more logical that you’d date me.  With your dating younger guys like John Mayer and that underwear model people linked you to.

But Bradley Cooper?

Has Bradley Cooper had a crush on you for 17 years?  Did Bradley Cooper go see Leprechaun in the theater solely because you were in it?
And honestly, I think you owe me a dinner for that one.  Yes, a dinner with you would be worth losing a piece of my soul for having sat through Leprechaun.

Are you dating the bad guy from Wedding Crashers just to get back at Vince?

Honestly, what has Bradley Cooper done but blow it with Jennifer Esposito?  Seriously, does this guy have to be with TWO of my dream girls?  What’s next, he’ll go out with Betty White? (All is forgiven, Betty)

I just can’t believe this guy gets to go out with my dream girl just because he was in The Hangover.  He could be a one hit wonder with that, it’s not like they can make a conceivable sequel.

And I always accepted you for who you are.  I never thought you needed to get a nose job.

I’m just saying, I saw Leprechaun in the theater for you.  That movie was terrible and I still sat through it cause you were in it.

But no, my chivalry and unconditional love for Jennifer Aniston has gone unappreciated and unrequited.

And this is how my heart is breaking this week.

A man in Oklahoma City, America’s second fattest city, said he was attacked while sitting at a bus station for his bologna and cheese sandwich.
Man, Rosie O’Donnell is just getting mean.
In other food attacking news, Kirstie Alley is being charged with assault for what she did to an all-you-can-eat buffet in El Paso.

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A man damaged a toilet at an Arby’s in Deleware after setting off fireworks in it.  Employees at the Arby’s say it’s not the first time someone damaged a toilet there but it is the first time someone did it without eating there first.

I don’t know that anyone can say card shopping ever used to be fun, but it does seem more annoying to me now than it did around, say, Mother’s Day.

I went card shopping today for Father’s Day and it was so annoying.  Mainly because I had to go to the bathroom.  (My bladder can be a bit of an a-hole sometimes).  I still found the process just aggravating.

The choices weren’t so great.  They were either too this or too that.  I’d pick up one card and think, “No, too dramatic.”  Pick up another card, “No, too sappy.”  Pick up another card, “Nah, I don’t love him that much.”
Ok, that’s just a joke but I will say that some of the cards I saw today sounded more suited for a gay lover to give his partner than for me to give my dad.

There were some cards that didn’t even say enough.  “Hey.  You’re my dad.  Happy Father’s Day!”
Who was that for, the “long lost father” market?

It made me want to put together some “Terrible Card Sentiments:”

• “That is One Ugly Baby.  Congrats???“
• “If I Were Going to Be in a Loveless Marriage I’d Want it to Be With You. “
• “I’m Sending You a Card Because I Hate Spending Time With You.”
• “Happy Patriot Day.  Turns out I’m Not Your Father.”
• “Get Well Soon, But if You Don’t…Can I Have Your Tivo?”
• “Sorry I Missed Your Wedding, But How Often Does Springsteen Tour?  Like, Once a Year?”
• “I Stole Your Identity.  You Had a Great Time in Spain.”

The new iPhone 3G S has people all in a tizzy. Some are simply because they get excited about new technology. Others are upset that they “have to pay full price” on the new phone. A few just like to say, “tizzy.” People are in a tizzy for shizzy either way.

I would fall under the first category. I, unlike many of my friends, do not have an iPhone. I don’t even have the Touch which is obvious to most people because usually I mistakenly call it the iTouch. I still love technology though, I think it’s nifty.  Apparently, I’m also from the 1950’s.

The iPhone 3G S is a pretty cool piece of technology. The camera on the new phone is as good as my current camera. The main reason I haven’t switched to an iPhone yet was because the camera on it wasn’t as good as my regular camera which is also my phone. So I figured I’d just wait. It looks like the wait is over, so I’m pretty excited about getting this phone one day.

Note that I said, “one day.” I can wait, and that seems to be the very problem with a lot of the complainers. They can’t wait until they are eligible for the discount.

If you’re not on a two year contract with AT&T then you can sign a new two year contract and buy the new iPhone 3G S at the discounted price of either $199 for the 16G model or $299 for the 32G model. I found this out because I called customer service and asked. Morgan, the lady I spoke to, said if I’m a new customer or if I’m an existing customer with an expired contract I can get the deal when I sign a two year contract.

Then I had questions for her. I asked if you can get the deal if you are one year into a two year contract. Morgan said, “It depends.” If you’ve been paying your bill on time and haven’t had your service suspended you will be eligible for an upgrade allowing you to get the new iPhone at the discounted rate other two year contract signers are getting. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait until you are 18 months into your contract in order to get the upgrade. So basically – wait 6 months.  I suppose if you already have an iPhone it’s really, really hard to wait 6 more months to get…an iPhone.

Oh man, I just love this drink I’m drinking.  I can’t wait to drink more of it.  I don’t think I can wait all the time it takes for my hand to reach over and pick it up and then put it up to my mouth and then tip the drink into my mouth and then swallow the drink and then it’s in my belly!  I just can’t wait!  Whatever will I do!?!

It’s like people are being the spoiled brat who couldn’t just wait until Christmas to get something.  Wait, what is in 6 months?  CHRISTMAS!  So they are literally being the kids who couldn’t wait until Christmas!

The complaint many AT&T customers are leaving on the AT&T website or on Twitter and Facebook and even in an actual petition is, “We’ve been longtime customers. This is a smack in our faces.”

Maybe the problem isn’t that they can’t wait. Maybe the problem is how they define “longtime.” The iPhone 3G, the iPhone most of the complainers have, came out a year ago. So they are a year into their two year contract. A year!? That’s a long time now? I guess in the “Instant Age” we live in a year is a long time. No wonder people in their late 20s think I’m “soooo old” at 30. But I’m youthful!

Just to get things straight, here are eligibility requirements to getting an iPhone 3G S at the discounted rate:

• Be a new customer and sign a 2 year contract
  Be an existing customer whose contract is up and sign a new 2 year contract
  Be an existing customer 11 to 18 months into an existing 2 year contract and in good standing
  Not be lame and wait 6 months to a year to get the discount since YOU ALREADY HAVE AN iPHONE

Or you can do what I’m doing. #squarespace

Did you know that beating yourself up didn’t use to be meant figuratively?  It’s true.  People used to actually beat themselves up over certain mistakes they may have made.  Like spilling milk.  They would spill milk, beat themselves up and then cry about it.

But that’s not where the saying comes from.  The saying, “There’s no use crying over spilt milk” actually comes from what cows used to do when farmers would accidentally knock over a bucket of milk spilling it all over the place.  The farmers would say, “No use crying over spilt milk, cow, cause cows can’t cry.”

This is all true.  They’re just little known facts.

Here are some other little known facts you probably haven’t heard of before:

• ♦Speed dating originated from people going out on dates while on speed.
• ♦Steven Seagal is Chuck Norris’s fault.  Not because he popularized karate movies that star white dudes you wouldn’t expect to know karate, but because Chuck Norris failed to defeat Steven Seagal in their notorious Octagon match.  It’s the only fight of Chuck Norris’s that ended in a draw.
• ♦Back when this fight occured, “ending in a draw” meant that the opponents draw a portrait and finish first in order to win.  Norris’s portrait was of Theo Huxtable.
• ♦Maury Povich is actually the father in all the paternity tests done on his show.
• ♦Peanut Butter Jelly Time is my favorite time of the year but did you know it’s not observed in Indiana or Nebraska?  Of course you didn’t.  It’s a little known fact.
• ♦The Loch Ness Monster may not really exist but the Pop-N-Loch Ness Monster is totally real and an awesome break dancer.  He’s responsible for the “Worm” dance.

Those are just a few Little Known Facts.  Check back for more L.K.F.